Transcendence
by Stoney Angel
Summary: UNFINISHED! Sequel to A DARKER SHADE OF TWILIGHT. Bella & Edward have moved on from the events at the Ballet Studio and are planning for their future, but the dangers of the past are still lurking, ready to shatter their new found happiness.
1. Chapter 1

FINALLY, chapter 1 of Transcendence is here. I hope you enjoy - let me know what you think. It's a bit of a departure from A Darker Shade of Twilight. But then, it kind of had to be. But don't worry, there will be more angst ahead!

As always, all things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.

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**TRANSCENDENCE**

**Chapter 1- BRAND NEW**

_**Edward**_

As expected, _that_ discussion with Carlisle was about as embarrassing as it gets. It wasn't that I didn't know the fundamentals and more. I'd certainly witnessed enough through my family's minds and others. . . It seemed to be a subject at the forefront of virtually all adult and adolescent minds _most _of the time. In fact, it's a wonder anyone got anything done when apparently all they could think about was doing _it_. As far as I was aware, I had witnessed every technique and position known to mankind and vampirekind alike, not to mention my thorough knowledge of the various literature and biology texts on the matter. I was well versed, just not well practised. Well, I wasn't practised at all, but I felt confident that I could hold my own. At least, that's what I kept telling myself. The truth was, I was on edge, and I was having feelings I'd never experienced before. It was most disconcerting.

I hadn't recognised what it was at first, and it took some intense yet ultimately fruitless analysis to try to determine what exactly could be the cause of my mounting malaise. It wasn't until Alice decided to enlighten me that I could put a name to the miserable feeling. Nerves! A very specific kind of nerves. I couldn't remember ever feeling nervous before. I'm sure I must have as a human boy, but those memories were foggy and confused at best. I understood the basic premise, of course. Certainly I'd felt nervous for others, for Bella. And I'd felt awkward and unsure about how to process the resurfacing of my other human emotions. I'd been dealing with all of that since I first encountered Bella. But I couldn't ever remember truly feeling nervous about my abilities. As a vampire, my confidence in my physicality, coordination and grace was absolute. At least, it had been. Now I was nervous about how I would perform for Bella. What if I couldn't please her? What would she think of me? I should have been nervous about hurting her, and to a point I was. But that was different. I had to be careful not to damage her every second I was with her, and even in that I had become quite skilled - always cautious but confident. But performance anxiety was something else entirely.

It wasn't something I felt inclined to share with anyone else, though, and thankfully, Alice managed to keep her unique insight to herself for the most part. Jasper certainly found the situation amusing at times, but even he kept quiet and, most importantly, kept Emmett out of the loop. Not that Emmett didn't take every opportunity to tease me about the inevitability of the situation anyway, but speculation and confirmation are two very different things, and it would have made all the difference with him.

But at that moment, I especially didn't want to discuss these newly discovered feelings with Carlisle, particularly considering the path his mind was on. His thoughts already flashed through various hideously graphic images he was contemplating using to illustrate his explanation of how to actually perform the, er, task. It was not what I had bargained for when requesting Carlisle's assistance. No, I most definitely didn't want to talk to him about any of this - at all! What I _needed_ to know - _all_ I needed to know was how to be _safe_, and as if things weren't bad enough, this was where the _real_ embarrassment began.

Carlisle seized the opportunity my need presented to give me his best father-son talk, prepared long ago and perfected over time. In this, _he_ was _very_ well practised. He'd been imagining having this discussion with me for decades, he and Esme worrying endlessly over my lack of a mate and my apparent disinterest in the entire subject. It was an outdated notion that one could not be complete without a mate, but then, we all came from outdated times, and they were all happily coupled, so I could forgive them their perspective. Still, it was just another in a long line of annoyances I had to bear from my family on this subject. And so the question of my sexual preference had come up on more than one wretched occasion, relegating me as the target of the family's unintentionally cruel, yet relentless sexually charged quips for the last ninety odd years. When they allowed their mirth to subside, I could see that they all in their own ways worried about my apparent self imposed solitude. Even worse, they mostly pitied me, understanding with at first disgust, then acceptance and finally sympathy the extent to which my enforced voyeurism into their own intimacies tormented me. But it wasn't envy that I felt. I had long accepted my isolation, and I never dreamt of anything more. It simply wasn't necessary. Rather, it was the painful reminder of my separateness from them, and the deeper level of assault into my mind their intimacy caused, that I found difficult to endure. But I knew what I was, and I accepted the unending penance my _gift _thrust upon me. I felt I deserved it for what I had done. But that was then, and everything was so different now. . .

So, it was with great delight that Carlisle anticipated the coming discussion, finally able to usher me across the threshold of child to adult, as if the act itself were the only thing that could somehow validate my status as an equal in the family. It was insulting to think that in their minds, this rite of passage - this act alone, would solidify my place as the mature, independent man I already knew myself to be. Such weight they placed in it - such bias. It's not that I resented their relationships. I wasn't blind - I knew how committed they were, how devoted. Sometimes I even envied them. They seemed to derive such happiness from each other, a sense of purpose even, and I'd had none of that. So, I could never begrudge them or belittle them for their choices. It just wasn't for me, and being judged in return was disappointing. Of course, I knew they only had my best interests at heart, but they simply had no idea how best to help me. The simple fact was that I didn't need any help. But how were they to know that all I needed was time - time for Bella to exist and for fate to cross our paths. Even I didn't know that.

But for all the frustration I felt because of their misconceptions, it paled in comparison to the torture I felt at being trapped in this conversation with Carlisle, because it was with this mindset of pity and incognizant judgement that he so looked forward to imparting his wisdom. For him, at least, we were just like a regular human father and his adolescent son having their first discussion about the birds and the bees. Only Carlisle had to modify his speech to cater to my fragile "bird" that could be broken and destroyed or impregnated with demon pollen by a single wave of my "bee's" manhood. I gave an involuntary shudder thinking about the damage I could inflict with that thing, though I did my best to push those worrisome thoughts from my mind as I fought to humour Carlisle as best I could. But the entire ordeal was nothing short of agonising. Did he really think so little of me that he had to get so far down to the basics, confirming with each new word and knowing glance the accuracy of my assessment of the situation? It was nothing short of humiliating!

". . . .so you see, the aim is to provide the maximum pleasure with the minimum discomfort, and given you're so much stronger than Bella physically, you'll need to be careful to contain your natural exuberance so that your erection, which will be quite unyielding compared to a human male's, doesn't. . ."

"STOP! Carlisle, please, I'm begging you, _stop!_ Trust me, I know _how_ to do it. I know I need to be careful. I know my strength. I know my limits. Just tell me, _please_, how do I not get her pregnant," I pleaded with him, barely able to get the images of my unyielding erection and what_ it _might do to Bella out of my mind and not feeling at all sorry about robbing him of his fatherly moment. This had all gone too far. It's not that we were even certain that I could get Bella pregnant, but after James, I wasn't about to take any chances. This was important.

"Er, quite right, Edward. Of course. Forgive me. It's just that your mother and I are quite excited at the prospect of you and Bella finally physically joining as one. It's a significant step forward in Bella's healing process, and of course, quite a special time for you both. It's quite natural you know, and it really is the most intimate way you can demonstrate your romantic love for one another. The act of intercourse is nothing to be ashamed of. . ."

"Carlisle, _PLEASE!_ Can you please stay focused. Birth control, remember?" I begged, inwardly groaning as I desperately wondered how I could make this stop.

"Sorry, Edward. Of course, birth control is a vital component. Without that security you won't be able to relax and give yourself over to the blessed experience. . ."

"Carlisle, I can't take this anymore! Please, tell me you've figured out a method of birth control so I can walk away and pretend this never happened. Otherwise, the whole discussion is moot anyway," I huffed, now totally exasperated and more embarrassed than I thought possible. If my heart weren't already stopped, I'd be in danger of going into full cardiac arrest by now and blushing a deeper hue of crimson than Bella had ever managed in her worst state of utter mortification.

"Right! Birth control. Well, Edward, I've given this a lot of thought, and I think the best course of action is for you to use condoms. The most durable you can find - I believe Trojan will be satisfactory - and keep a plentiful supply. Your venom will corrode them eventually, and we now know there is a potentially high degree of motility to contend with. So as long as you, er, change frequently, I can't see there being any problems. I'm uncertain of any other method that would be any more effective," he explained, rather nonchalantly.

"Condoms? _Condoms! _ You're kidding me? I had to endure this torture for you to tell me to use condoms?" I demanded incredulous.

"Edward, I hardly think imparting my many years of experience and wisdom on the subject matter could be considered torture. Your mother and I only have yours and Bella's best interests at heart, you know," Carlisle almost whined, clearly insulted.

It took all my resolve, but I quieted the screaming frustration in my mind and managed to humbly force out a polite, "I'm very sorry, Carlisle. I didn't intend to appear ungrateful. Of course, I appreciate your advice and counsel. Please pass on my thanks to Esme, also."

Carlisle immediately brightened at this, clearly pleased with his efforts at schooling his youngest, yet oldest child, in the ways of physical love. His almost smug demeanour reminded me to add one final request before I extricated myself from this torment.

"Before I go and share the good news with Bella, please promise me you won't mention this to the rest of the family. In fact, if you could refrain from discussing it even with Esme, at least while anyone else is within hearing range, _especially_ Emmett, Bella and I would be most grateful." This time, I really did beg.

His mouth curled into an outright smirk as he replied, "Of course, Edward. My lips are sealed."

I cringed just recalling the memory. It was most definitely a necessary evil, but I couldn't help but remember how Carlisle had seemed to enjoy himself just a little too much at my obvious discomfort. He was not usually quite so high-spirited in his dialogue. . . . I snapped back to the present, and as I lay with Bella, wrapping her naked body in mine with our sheets tangled around us, I couldn't begrudge him too much. It had all been worth it in the end, just as I'd always hoped it would be. Bella was still human and breathing, she wasn't broken, and my manhood managed not to deposit any supernaturally motile demon seed, which was all cause for celebration. But it was so much more than that. . .

I let my mind drift again, wishing a little too longingly that we were closer to the beginning of our summer vacation than we were to the end. Bella and I had decided to spend the summer out of Forks, travelling around the country. I had been totally serious about my plan to create as many happy memories for her as possible before changing her, but we found ourselves stalled - trapped in a mundane sameness of hope and desire liberally peppered with pain and loss. We simply weren't moving forward. We needed to leave the memories behind us for a time, a physical, albeit symbolic move away from the past, and in retrospect, it was the very best decision we could have made.

So, it was with a renewed vigour that we set out from Forks with the promise of happier times ahead to occupy our minds, and it had been so liberating. Driving away from the humid gloominess was like a metaphorical shedding of our skins and our former selves. Our slates were wiped clean as we left behind all thoughts of wolves and nomads, sadness and loss and embraced the warmth and newness with open arms.

I hoped that the liberation from Forks and the privacy we could enjoy away from our family would allow us to become more intimate. It would always be Bella's decision, and I wouldn't push her, but I wouldn't stand in her way anymore either. Our fates were well and truly sealed now, and I'd come too close to losing her too many times to make the mistake of wasting any precious time with her - I'd take whatever I could get. I'd have been happy just knowing that I would have Bella by my side for eternity, let alone asking for more, but I did hope. We'd discussed it, of course, and I knew that Bella wanted to take things further. She always had, but wanting and doing weren't the same thing, especially after what she'd been through. And so we'd put the subject to rest, content in the knowledge of our desires, but unsure of how to proceed from there, opting for avoidance and denial and trusting that nature would take its course when the time was right. Little did I know just how far my expectations would be exceeded.

We were staying at the Disneyland Hotel, of all places, when the time finally became right. I still didn't know what I found harder to believe, that we'd been to Disneyland and stayed at the Disneyland Hotel, that we'd had sex, or that we'd had sex while staying at the Disneyland Hotel. Obviously, sex wasn't a contributing factor behind any of our destination choices, otherwise I'd have chosen something far more romantic and auspicious for our first union. But I did want Bella to have fun while we were away. I wanted something completely opposite to our real lives, and Disneyland had seemed the obvious choice, after much expert guidance and coercion from Alice, of course. Although, I wondered if sex hadn't been a consideration in our destination choices after all, given Alice's involvement. The accuracy of her visions could be quite unnerving, and it was with alarming regularity that I tried to push all thoughts of my sister's intrusion in our intimacy out of my mind. Her excited phone calls after each encounter nearly pushed Bella and me over the edge of embarrassment into outright mortification.

The hotel alone was enough to give me nightmares if possible, so it was with genuine trepidation that, hand in hand, I led Bella through the enormous theme park gates, hoping that our practical sides could take the night off and we could immerse ourselves in the silliness of our surroundings. Surprisingly, we'd enjoyed a truly fun filled night positively embracing the silliness, posing for photos with Mickey and Goofy, screaming through the roller coaster of Space Mountain and laughing in the dizziness of Alice in Wonderland's tea cups. It was the kind of place where you could carry your girlfriend on your back for fun, and not because she couldn't walk long distances. It was the kind of place where we could forget to be sad. It was magical and ridiculous and wonderful, and I'd never seen Bella laugh and smile so much - _ever! _ It was worth it just for that.

The entire experience made me feel young again. I may have been forever frozen in my youth, but it had been a long time since I'd felt the carefree exuberance of that age. Though only the second city into our journey, it was as if we'd checked our baggage at the gates to the magic kingdom. We were brand new, each of us washed clean and eager for life to teach us what it was to be happy again. Where there had been only darkness and brooding, there was suddenly lightness and a carefree attitude. It was honestly a little disconcerting. But, being away from Forks had somehow given us permission to be whatever we wanted to be, and without really appreciating it before, the absurdity of Disneyland suddenly brought us to the realisation of just how desperately we wanted to _be_ happy. And so we simply let go. In truth, I don't think either us had been completely happy before, not until we'd found each other. But even then our happiness was punctuated with the gravity of our situation, the sheer impossibility of it and then the external influences that interrupted and tainted any remaining remnants we clung to. So it was quite a triumphant moment when we realised how little it took to find that happiness again, but this time it was fuller and stronger. It meant more, and it felt like it could last.

We'd finally stumbled into our suite near midnight on that first night, deciding it was the perfect time to try out the rather luxuriously appointed spa bath on our balcony. I changed quickly, observing the dull grey, blue smog hazed hue of the Los Angeles skyline in the distance. Even darkness couldn't hide the pollution from my eyes, and I found myself secretly missing the crisp, clean beauty of Washington, though regardless of the location, as long as I was with Bella, I knew I would always be content.

As I was waiting for her to change, I noticed the tepid air of the Californian night gently swirling about me, stunned at the discovery that the sensation of the warmth against the cold of my bare legs caused the short hairs to flutter so delicately that I almost had the sensation of shivering. It was something I'd never experienced before, not in my vampire incarnation, and it was exhilarating. Warmer climates, as a rule, were to be avoided. Warmth meant sun. So California's perennial sunshine and typically gaudy culture, I might add, were usually given a wide berth. Yet there I was, standing in a t-shirt and board shorts, an horrific ensemble I'd never before contemplated wearing, on the balcony of the penthouse suite of possibly the most commercially exploitive hotel in the world, having the time of my life and experiencing yet another in a series of firsts because of Isabella Swan. After suffering the endlessly predictable dullness of the world for over a century, finding anything new was a gift beyond all comparison. Bella was a miracle to me, yet I knew if I tried to explain the enormity of the experience to her, she would blush with embarrassment and downplay her role in it. That part of her, at least, was always predictable.

I heard her approach, her soft footfalls stumbling over presumably nothing but the plush carpeting as she made her way to the balcony. She appeared wrapped in a thick bath towel which immediately caught my attention. She was nervously working her bottom lip with her teeth, looking in every direction but mine before finally facing me, at which time she promptly ceased the worried lip chewing and erupted into a huge, giggling grin.

"What?" I asked indignantly.

"Edward, are those board shorts? I -- I've never seen you in board shorts before," she snickered, shaking her head in bewilderment.

"Well, what would you have me wear in the spa, Isabella?" I replied coyly, deciding to play with her a little.

Her reply came in the form of a flush of flaming red that started somewhere beneath the towel and made its way up to her hairline. Not for the first time, I wondered exactly where that blush originated, and so my eyes drifted back to the towel that covered Bella from just above the curve of her breasts to just below the curve of her bottom. I was momentarily mesmerised, and my obviously diverted attention resulted in a new flame of red to add to the first.

Her discomfort brought my attention back from the towel, and I implored her to tell me what was wrong.

"Bella, please tell me what's bothering you. Remember, no secrets," I urged her, reminding her of the pact we'd made to always be open and honest with each other, before we'd even left home.

"I remember, Edward. No secrets, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's just that Alice packed for me, and she didn't pack the bathing suit I asked for, and you look so, so. . . ." she trailed off sadly.

"What do you mean?" I asked, a little bewildered by her reaction. Surely a bathing suit was a bathing suit. Bella had never been interested in fashion and clothing before. And how exactly did she think I looked? I cast a quick glance at myself, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable about what Alice had packed for me, too.

"She only packed bikinis, Edward, instead of the one pieces I told her to. I'm a little. . . well. . . embarrassed. There's the scars, and I just feel so bare, and my body isn't very. . . . There's nowhere to hide in a bikini, and you look so gorgeous as usual," she confessed, a little irritated.

"Bella, I don't know how I can convince you of your beauty. You are just so obstinate on the subject. Your scars don't matter. They've faded so much already, and quite honestly love, I find them quite appealing." I gulped, immediately regretting my candor. Honesty was one thing, but full disclosure was something else.

"What do you mean by _that_?" She thankfully sounded more curious than hurt.

"Wait a minute, weren't you just laughing at my board shorts?" I deflected.

"Shorts! Sexy! You look good in everything, Edward, as if you didn't already know that. But yes, it's kind of a shock. They're not really your usual _style_. I'm not sure I've ever seen your legs before, and they're, well they're. . . well they're like the rest of you - they're perfect. Now stop trying to change the subject," she commanded huffily.

"Well, there's not exactly much need for board shorts in Forks, Bella, and if there were, we wouldn't be living there. But I am glad that you find my attire pleasing."

"Edward!"

"All right! Far be it from me to break our pact. I admit that I find your scars to be appealing in the sense that they're like badges of honour. They remind me of just how strong you are and how close I came to losing you, not that I need reminding of that. But they're just another thing I love about you, because they're part of you, of who you've become. I wish with every fibre of my being that I could erase every bad thing that's ever happened to you, but those scars are part of the reason that you and I are here. Look at us, Bella, we're in Disneyland. We shook hands with Mickey Mouse tonight. Is there any part of this that remotely smacks of my style? It's insane, but with you, insane is good. I don't feel like a monster anymore when I'm with you. I feel like a seventeen year old young man who is crazy in love with the woman of his dreams. I get to start over, and that's because of you. Your scars don't detract from your beauty, love, they simply add to it. And as for your body, well there really is no gentlemanly way for me to describe the effect it has on me. You are perfection, Bella, and resisting the temptation of your body far surpasses the temptation of resisting the sweetness of your blood. You really have no idea."

I was gushing, that much was obvious, and I was abashed by my uncharacteristic verbosity. Clearly, I'd taken our honesty pact too far. But before I could feel the full extent of my humiliating and rambling outburst, Bella had dropped the towel and launched herself at me, wrapping her legs around my waist as best she could, her arms anchored around my neck as she breathed hot kisses across my jaw line until she landed on my mouth. The force of the impact was nothing, but I stumbled anyway, the intensity of her passion making my knees weak. She was stronger than I realised - surer somehow - her discomfit of moments ago evaporating in the heat of her desire. She started gently nibbling on my lips, sucking and pulling each of them between her teeth before she sought entrance with her tongue. I responded in kind, exploring her mouth with my own to keep her tongue safe from my razor sharp teeth. But it didn't detract from the experience. It was something I'd never tire of. She tasted sweet, and the musky overtones of her arousal filled my lungs as I breathed her in greedily. I wrapped my arms firmly around her waist to support her and relished the feeling of her bare skin under my hands. I'd never tire of that either.

I walked us over to the spa, never breaking the kiss. I had an overwhelming compulsion to really see her, so I set her down and stepped back, noticing that her eyes were wild with lust, mirroring my own. She reached behind to steady herself against the spa, the action forcing her chest forward and arching her back in the most sensual way. Scars? What scars? My breathing accelerated, more than a little overwhelmed by the sight of her. Her bikini was black and sexier than any item of clothing had a right to be. The top managed to plump her breasts into the most amazing cleavage - two flawless hand size mounds pushed together and separated by a ravine that begged for me to explore its depths. Her arms were thin but toned and shaped, slightly muscular even. Her flat stomach was accentuated by the lines of musculature that I could only imagine she'd achieved from her physical therapy. The bikini panties were modest but alluring, skimming invitingly just under her pelvis and covering the full curve of her buttocks. It was perfect, and from it flowed her gorgeously curvaceous thighs and calves, ending at her delicate feet. My God, even her feet looked beguiling while she wore this bikini. The milky white of her body was a stunning contrast against the black, and she glowed in the moonlight, her pale skin casting an ethereal reflection off the water in the tub. I couldn't have staged a more beautiful scene if I'd tried.

She was lean and healthy and perfectly sculpted. When did that happen, and more importantly, how had I missed it? I'd always been attracted to Bella's body - far too much. But how had I not noticed this startling transformation from adolescent girl to sensual woman? My eyes could barely take it all in, looking everywhere at once and burning the image into my brain with the perfect clarity of my vampiric recall. Thank God for vampiric recall! I was losing all sense of propriety, experiencing feelings I barely knew how to process, but I went with it, giving myself over to my instincts and the vernacular of the time, which seemed the most expressive given the circumstances. She was fucking beautiful, and she was mine. I even shocked myself with the force of my reaction to her.

"Are you okay, Edward? You look. . . ." She cocked her head quizzically, her eyebrows pulling down in concentration as she tried to understand my dumbstruck reaction. Sometimes she could be so obtuse.

She had no comprehension of what she was - no clue whatsoever of what she did to me. She was an enigma - confident and shy, beautiful and unaware, sexy and awkward, all rolled into one complicated package. Was I really worthy of such a creature? I doubted it, but I couldn't find it in me to care anymore. The time for doubt and regret was over. She was my future. She was my life.

Coherent thought and proper sentence structure seemed to elude me, and I couldn't form the words to reply. My mouth was suddenly parched, my breath totally absent, as I continued to stand and stare.

"Edward!" She sounded mildly alarmed now, looking down at herself as the flush of embarrassment remerged, beginning just beneath her breasts and spreading upwards rapidly, solving one mystery at least.

She actually thought there was something wrong with her! Without the words, I was left with only actions, so I pushed myself forward and wrapped my arms around her waist. I kissed my way down her neck and décolletage, plotting my course south down that ravine, only stopping myself before I reached the point of no return. Bella responded by almost ripping my t-shirt in her haste to pull it off, and I helped her finish the job, shredding the offending fabric from my body as she kissed my chest, licking and sucking each of my nipples in turn. Where did she learn how to do that? The darkness of night did little to camouflage the growing bulge in my shorts, and a pleasant tingling sensation began to work its way through me. It was akin to the wretchedness of the nerves, but it was different somehow and not at all unpleasant. My body felt alive with anticipation. Bella eyed me hungrily, which was all the encouragement I needed, so I swiftly hoisted her into my arms, stepping us both into the spa.

The warm, effervescent bubbles prickled against my skin and combined with the tingling to make me hiss in delight. I hadn't expected that. Either in response to me or her own reaction to the simmering water, Bella moaned against me, the reverberations shuddering through my chest and physically jolting me. More firsts. I sank to the bench, and Bella positioned herself across my lap. I pulled her closer, her petite body bouncing gently on my legs either from the buoyancy of the water, or her excitement, or both. I noticed the beads of water splashing up her neck, and I suddenly found myself licking them, fighting a losing battle to keep ahead of them. She arched her neck backward allowing me access, her eyes fluttering closed as her lips turned up in a satisfied smile.

She began to moan in earnest, and I shifted my attentions from her neck, moving down to her chest until I reached the level of the water. My pause caused her eyes to snap open and fix on mine, and we shared a moment of silent contemplation, although by that stage I think it was more of an affirmation. She reached up to gently tug at the strings of her bikini top. It put up no resistance, falling easily and floating away before the waves engulfed it, and it sank to the bottom of the tub. Her breasts skimmed the foamy ripples of the water's surface, soft and perky and inviting. I eyed her intently, searching for any flicker of doubt or opposition, but finding none. She looked encouraging, so I reached for her, certain of my course but cautious just the same as I cupped her breasts in my hands - a perfect fit. I noticed the different textures of her skin, marvelling as her nipples hardened in response to my touch and how that very action caused me to harden even further, too.

I couldn't resist her, so my lips took hers once more, soft and hard, hot and cold. The intensity of our need was increasing as I continued massaging her, both of us moaning now, overcome by the sheer pleasure of our closeness. Before I'd made up my mind consciously, my hands were already working their way down her back, skimming her silhouette until they found the firm roundness of her buttocks. I squeezed them, and she responded by pushing herself down onto my lap so that my erection pressed firmly against her thigh, the flimsy fabric of our bathing suits the only barrier. She bounced into me again, harder, eliciting more moans and gasps from us both. I was beginning to lose the ability for all conscious thought, a deep yearning and desire overwhelming me. I wanted her. I needed her.

"Take them off, Edward. Don't resist anymore," she breathed in between kisses, and I could feel the fluttering of her heartbeat as our chests slammed together. She was sure, and I didn't hesitate. The decision had already been made - this was our time. I wrapped one arm around her waist pulling her in even closer as the fingers of my other hand traced along the top of her bikini, dipping underneath it to feel the luxuriant soft curls. I traced the bottom seam, brushing at her nerves as she quivered in delight, her excitement resonating through my body like an electrical charge. With one finger I hooked the fabric at her outer thigh and gently eased the panties down her legs. I liked them too much to rip them off, as tempting as that was. I was already imagining her wearing them again, just so I could repeat the process. She wriggled her legs accommodatingly, kicking them off as they reached her ankles

"Bella, you're so beautiful." Beautiful didn't cover it. It wasn't enough, not nearly enough. Words would never be enough, so I decided to show her, promising myself that I would give her every ounce of pleasure she was capable of enduring before I even considered my own. I reached up to her breasts again, caressing them in turn while I gently probed at her opening with the fingers of my other hand. I began to delicately knead and roll the bundle of nerves between my fingers, and she thrashed and gasped with pleasure, spurring me on. I entered her with one finger at first, carefully stretching and exploring before plunging a second finger into her folds and commencing a steady rhythm of tickling and pulsing and curling my fingers upwards. I had never felt anything so incredible, and she rocked into my hand, meeting each of my thrusts with her own. The pace quickened and she began to scream and curse my name in sultry tones before she lost the ability to speak. Her eyes closed involuntarily, I think, her eyelashes began to flutter, and primal sounds of passion erupted from deep within, completely overtaking her. It wasn't long before she shuddered into me almost convulsively as she reached what could only be described as a rapturous release. I couldn't believe I had done that to her, and all I could be sure of was that I wanted to do that to her again and again. I'd never seen her more beautiful. She radiated such freedom and joy and utter contentment that I was almost overcome, and I had to force down my own intensifying need for release.

"Edward, that was. . . it was. . . I never knew. . . I love you, so much," she breathed heavily as I withdrew, allowing her to come down from her high while I tried to bring my own enthusiasm to a more manageable level. It didn't work for either of us.

We resumed our frenetic kissing, urgently tasting and sucking and nibbling as if we were each other's oxygen. She reached for me hard and fast through my shorts, then grabbed and tore at them in her effort to pull them down my legs. I obliged, kicking them off to sink to the bottom of the tub and join her lost bikini. My erection sprang free, and she reached for it again, taking it in her delicate little hands while she rubbed it back and forth. She explored and cosseted, feeling every part of me, and I revelled in her touch, hissing in delight as she settled into a fast pumping rhythm.

"Bella, oh, God. Oh. . ."

I could feel the pressure building, and I knew I wouldn't be able to contain myself much longer, but I wanted to experience this inside her. I steadied her hand and she looked at me first curiously, then in understanding, as I scooped her up and walked us out of the spa. I placed her down on the balcony and lovingly dried her off with the fluffy towel, taking my time to pat and wipe every square inch of her magnificent body as she closed her eyes and moaned in delight.

"I want you," she whispered so quietly I almost missed it, but one look at her lidded eyes confirmed it. She was breathy and eager. I dried myself off at super speed and scooped her up again, moving into the suite and laying her down reverently on our bed. She was exquisite, her breasts slightly quivering in anticipation, her eyes growing wide as she took me in in my entirety. I was a little embarrassed at first, but that soon passed. This was our time - fresh and new - and we were irrevocably in love. The scent of her arousal mixed with her already heady aroma caused me to salivate as venom pooled in my mouth. I swallowed it down quickly, pushing those baser instincts to the darkest recesses of my being.

I slowly laid myself above her, supporting most of my weight through my arms and hands, our bodies still skimming each other tantalisingly. I proceeded to trail a path of kisses from her head to her toes, carefully bypassing where I knew she wanted me most until I could slowly work my way up again from her feet. She deserved to be worshipped. Pausing my kisses at her inner thighs, she parted her legs a little further for me, revealing how ready she was. I sucked in a deep breath trying unsuccessfully to steady my fervour. Her heartbeat was erratic and wild, but for once I wasn't concerned. I shared her anticipation. Her need ached out like a beacon, so I tasted the gloriousness of her heat, licking and kneading her with my tongue but always reigning myself in to make sure I didn't overwhelm her. But she met my every action in earnest. Her hips thrust upwards to my mouth, and I took her all in, my tongue prodding and probing as I savoured her. She was getting close to release again, so I ceased my ministrations, which she answered with a frustrated huff. I couldn't help but grin at the effect I was having on her.

"I want this to happen together, Bella" I explained as she smiled widely, her eyes eager and expectant.

"I want that, too, Edward," she breathed. Her whole expression was so trusting and loving.

I reached into the bedside drawer for the box of condoms I carried with us everywhere, just in case, quickly removing one and discarding the wrapper as I sheathed myself. I paused above her, my tip touching her core as we stared into each other's eyes, the significance of this moment not lost on either of us. I felt the slight tremble in her body as her heart rate increased again in expectation, realising that I, too, was trembling, and if my heart could beat, I knew it would be doubling the already frantic pace of hers. I slowly entered her, not wanting to rush the sensations, our eyes never blinking as I worked to bury myself in her. I pushed through gently until I was completely encased. Another perfect fit. She was warm and moist, and she clamped onto me tightly. It was an ecstasy I could never have imagined. The potency of my hunger for her was staggeringly unfamiliar yet exhilarating at the same time. It was the hunger of love and ardour and the absolute desire - no, the_ need _to please her.

We fell into a steady pace, responding to each other with such instinctual need, not really knowing what we were doing, but trusting our bodies to show us the way. We were slow and steady at first, enjoying the feeling of being this close, and I worked to keep the pace gentle and easy lest it remind her of anything less pleasant. But she wanted more, urging me on with her groans and pleas and the impatience of her body.

"More, Edward. More," she panted, as she wrapped her legs around me, pulling me in. It induced an even more concerted effort on my part.

I breathed on her right nipple until it hardened for me, again amazed at her responsiveness. So I sucked at it hungrily, licking and loving it before moving onto her left breast while she hummed in delight. I needed no further incentive, and our mutual pace quickened, as if we were acting with one mind. Our pressure began to mount, and we thrust into each other hard and frenzied, gulping in breaths and groaning as we came closer to our climax. I wanted to know she'd reached her peak before I allowed myself that pleasure, and when she started the screaming and thrashing that would inevitably lead to her bliss, I liberated myself and joined her as the waves of ecstasy washed through us and over us. It was surreal - an almost incomprehensible delight, and I revelled in the ripples of perfect pleasure that seemed to make time stand still. I felt the sensation of my eyes rolling back into my head, my breath ceasing all together and the rumbling of growls beginning from deep within my chest and gurgling up and out of my mouth as I surrendered to my need, her squeals of delight prolonging the euphoria. We were lovers now, her inamorato to my inamorata - immutably bound. Forever and always.

She wrapped her arms tightly around my back and pulled me in with all her strength, showing me her need to stay joined for just a little longer. I was in no hurry to move. Her body was slick with sweat, and both our chests heaved in our afterglow. I pushed her hair back from her face, noticing the wet, sticky strands that clung to her neck. I loved her neck, and I pressed my lips to it, feeling the pulsing heat of her blood coursing rapidly beneath her fragile skin. Intoxicating.

It may have been seconds or it may have been minutes when we eventually separated, but we still clung to each other as tightly as I dared, forehead to forehead, eyes boring into each other's souls. And in that perfect shared moment, the biggest secret of my existence was revealed to me. It was a revelation so profound that the effect was almost incomprehensibly emotional, because in that moment I knew without any doubt that I did indeed have a soul. There could be no other explanation for the experience we just shared. My lover had found my soul and breathed life back into it, and for the first time since I'd known her, I felt worthy of her. No one could make her feel the way I'd just made her feel, just as no one could do to me what she had just done. She was the light in my darkness. She was the angel to my demon. She was my salvation. She was and forever would be my Bella, and I was complete. I couldn't even bring myself to fully anticipate the explosion of passion that would ensue when Bella was like me and strong enough to withstand my completely unrestrained affections, for this would always be the most magical of times. It was the end to our beginning and the beginning to our endlessness.

I finally understood what my family had hoped for me, all these years. Their motives were pure, even though their efforts were flawed. I still believed in the power of one. I would still be surviving in my solitude, and even now I can honestly say that I would have preferred it, if it weren't for her. Because if you can't love with your heart and soul, if you can't feel _this_, then what is the point? My family's attempts to force me upon any available women of my kind were absurd. You can't force destiny, and the chances of finding that one true love must be remote in the extreme. I had waited for her for so long, not even knowing what I was missing. Yes, solitude is preferable to settling. You can't be lonely for something that you don't know is possible, and even if you do know, how could you accept a compromise? I just happen to be one of the lucky ones. I found her without even looking, and now I am whole.

I continued to gaze upon her until human frailty reared its dominance, and sleep finally overcame her, then I continued gazing, unwilling to avert my eyes from her beauty and goodness. I knew then in my heart what I always hoped to be true; I would marry Isabella Swan, and I would gladly spend eternity adoring her. She deserved no less. But it was not out of a sense of misplaced duty, or the hard wired conventions of an earlier time, that I knew this truth. It was born of the simplicity and complexity of pure love and devotion. Our path had been diverted from its earlier course, and we were forging our own brand new way, so I had decided to abandon convention in favour of what was right for us. It was something I couldn't and wouldn't find within myself to regret. So we would be married when it, too, was right, and we would utter those sacred vows already sanctified in the blessedness of our love. I had never dared to hope for such peace and clarity.

**_______________________________________________________________________________**

**A/N**

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	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2 - MAKING MEMORIES & BACK TO REALITY**

**EDWARD**

Our travels continued, and we zig zagged the country not caring about the shortest route, but visiting the cities we'd planned for as the mood struck us and adding others to the list along the way. We talked and we laughed and we cried and we made love - glorious, uninhibited love that was so breathtakingly spiritual that I wished I could weep, and other times it was a carnal, primal, earth shattering bliss - a perfect blend of the emotional and physical. The destination mattered little as long as we were together, enjoying and worshipping each other. And though I knew that fun and intimacy weren't enough to erase the past, there was something to be said for the self fulfilling prophecy ideology we had adopted. We were healed, as totally and completely as was possible. The tragedies were packed away and though never forgotten, were blissfully lost to the happiness of the present and the promise of the future.

At Bella's insistence, we'd both agreed to leave all thoughts of Jacob behind in Forks while we embarked upon our adventure. I was cautious, of course, but we avoided risky, isolated locations, preferring to enjoy the crowds and soak in the atmosphere of our chosen destinations. Hotel security were paid a hefty bonus to guard Bella during the times I needed to hunt, though if she'd ever noticed or was unhappy about this arrangement, she never said so. We'd both made peace with ourselves, silently accepting that those things which seemed so important before were in fact mere trivialities that didn't warrant our attentions. We were breaking down our walls and rebuilding them anew. And with that mindset, we stayed at five star hotels in the penthouse suites, and Bella didn't argue about the expense. She accepted my need to protect her and the desire to shower her in the luxury she deserved but somehow never felt worthy of. And I indulged her need for intimacy without allowing the plague of my uncertainty, regret and low self esteem to infect us. As it turned out, letting go of our long held insecurities was exactly the panacea we needed. We enjoyed the luxury of our accommodations by day, and we explored the best the cities had to offer by night, sometimes taking advantage of the sprinkling of overcast days that a summer away from Forks reluctantly offered to us.

It didn't take long before we both realised then that permanently leaving Forks was something that we'd look forward to after senior year. The time for change was coming, and leaving Forks for our vacation signalled the beginning of that next phase. It felt right, and we were both ready. The change in Bella was immediate, and she'd said the same of me. Her nightmares had become the exception rather than the rule whilst we'd been away, and if that weren't enough validation for our choices, I don't know what ever could be. We were lighter, freer than we'd been in months - than perhaps we'd ever been.

New Orleans had been our initial destination, and we witnessed firsthand the devastation and the rebuilding, but mostly the spirit of the community there. It was rather a good first choice, though I can't take full credit for it. It was always on our agenda, but Alice encouraged me to make it our first stop, citing the cathartic nature of the post Katrina healing. And she was right, of course. From there we journeyed to fanciful Annaheim, the stark contrast of loss and abundance linked only by a sense of community and family. I'd argued with Alice over her insistence of these two locations and in this order. Surely it made sense to go to Disneyworld from New Orleans, not all the way to California. But she was insistent, and I'd learned not to bet against Alice if I could help it, not when she was so certain. We were flying anyway, so what did it matter? And, of course, Alice was right, because it was in Annaheim where our future truly began, and it would forever remain the most special of places for us. Next came New York, Mount Rushmore, Las Vegas, Yellowstone National Park, Key West and more, though not in that order. It was a blending of city lights and nature filled star lit skies. We soaked it all in, eager to embrace anything and everything new and untainted by horror filled memories.

A sentimental choice was Chicago, where I was able to show Bella the birth place of my first incarnation. Though my family home no longer remained, we visited all the important locations my hazy memory could recall - the hospital where my parent's lives ended and the site of the home Carlisle owned on the outskirts of the city, long since gone, where my new existence began. We spent endless hours immersed in the Chicago of my past, and even though I thought it impossible, I felt even closer to her, sharing all that I was and all that I had hoped to become. Bella's infatuation with period drama only fuelled her eagerness to learn and understand the experience of my travels through time.

Chicago inspired us to pay homage to all our family's human beginnings as much we could, paying our respects at the tombstones where they could be found, soaking in the ambience of the locales where they couldn't. We found the descendants of Alice, Jasper and Emmett's family's, noticing the physical traits of our loved ones that still survived in their human blood lines. We stood on the cliff where Esme decided to end her pain, grateful for Carlisle's intervention in her and each and every one of our lives. We devoured the society pages that Rosalie graced, her human beauty forever preserved on microfiche and lovingly guarded by the library's historical society. We immersed ourselves in the southern charms of Jasper's past, noticing how every endearing drawl we encountered reminded us of his inherent gentleness and chivalry. Carlisle's origins, of course, began in Europe, but following the history of our family made us feel closer to him just the same, his love and devotion intricately woven throughout the fabric of our shared journeys.

It was a part of our travels that we hadn't planned for, but it was significant, especially to Bella, the glimpse into our family history filling her with pride and wonder and making it a worthwhile diversion. The experience moulded our new found connection with each other and cemented it within the framework of our family as a whole. It reminded us of our shared affection for our absent loved ones and our desire to be reunited with them soon. Of course, the frequent phone calls made sure we were never out of touch with them for long, but there was a growing ache to physically see them. It had almost been three months. Still, it was time we needed, and it had turned out to be the very best time of our lives. So, it was with a firm resolve that we agreed that frequent sojourns from the family home were to become a permanent part of our future. As much as we loved our family, we knew we wouldn't be able to survive the lack of privacy at home indefinitely. Even Bella's new-found confidence wouldn't stand up to the communal nature of our household, where every word, thought and feeling was up for familial discussion and debate. But the benefits of their love and companionship certainly balanced out the whole, and it was a sacrifice we were willing to make to keep that sense of family that we both needed so very much.

I couldn't deny, however, that the respite from the constant intrusion into my mind from the family's thoughts was nothing short of blissful. It was so much easier to ignore the intrusion of stranger's random thoughts, especially when I had only Bella to focus on. But the persistent silent conversation from family at any and all times, however inappropriate, combined with my unintentional, yet perennial invasion of their privacy, was mostly torturous to me. It was too much, and it somehow made me covet my own privacy even more fiercely. The simple trait of our perfect hearing was enough of an infringement, but Alice and Jasper's combined extra gifts created an absolute and incessant assault that could never be avoided. I wasn't sure any of them fully understood the genuine distress it all caused me, other than to consider me moody and ill tempered. It was yet another pleasure bestowed me by Bella that she couldn't possibly comprehend. Her blessedly silent mind, though at times impossibly frustrating, was truly a gift that I cherished.

And so it was with no small regret that I was forced back to reality with a thud, or at least the fast approaching reality of our lives in Forks and the coming monotony of another year in High School. I sighed, painfully disappointed that this part of our journey was coming to an end, but I was buoyed with the knowledge that it was really only the beginning for us. Even High School would be tolerable with Bella by my side. Reluctantly, I stopped tracing the smooth, pale skin of her back.

"Come on, love, time to get up if you want to have an early dinner before the flight," I playfully nudged her.

She groaned and stretched, her sweet little mewls reminding me once again of a playful kitten, though I now knew her to be far more akin to a fierce tigress. Her hair was strewn about her, wild, crazy and sexy beyond belief. She lifted her head, looking up at me through hooded eyes and her mouth curled into a wicked grin.

"Don't we have a little more time, Edward? The plane doesn't leave for a few hours yet, and I suddenly have a craving for the in-flight catering," she purred, placing delicate butterfly kisses across my chest.

It didn't take any convincing. She knew she had me - she _always_ had me.

"Well in that case, we've suddenly freed up quite a chunk of time before we need to leave. What do you suggest we do to fill in our time?" I teased.

"Oh, I have a few ideas," she crooned.

-:-

The airport shuttle bus dropped us off at in the parking lot Alice had graciously deposited the Volvo in the previous day. I had to admit, I was happy to see it. I ran my hand over the contours of the car, assessing it for any new dents or scratches that might have mysteriously appeared during my lengthy absence. Bella wore a wry grin and rolled her eyes, but I couldn't help it, I'd missed my car. I suppose it was an odd attachment to have developed. It was an inanimate object after all, and I'd had a lot of cars over the years. They come and go, but the Volvo held a special place in my heart.

"Do you think you can drag yourself away from admiring its beauty long enough to actually unlock it. It looks like you two have some catching up to do, and it might take a while, so I'd appreciate a seat while I'm waiting."

Bella tried for serious, but the corners of her mouth twitched upwards slightly, and she had that sparkle in her eyes that told me she was playing with me. I couldn't help but smile back at her. She was so confident now. I felt like I was finally getting to see the real Bella, perhaps for the first time. This was the Bella with the sarcastic humour and witty comebacks who wasn't afraid to use them. It was the Bella who was quick on the uptake and never missed a thing. The Bella who told me what she liked and what she didn't like in everything from ice cream flavours, strawberry was her favourite by the way, to sexual positions. Confidence suited her, though I didn't really think she'd ever fully outgrow her moments of shyness or that blush -- that delicious blush that I would miss so much when she was no longer human. But, even with her new-found confidence, she still had that indefinable quality about her -- innocent and experienced, shy and bold -- and she still had absolutely no idea how beautiful she was. I loved her contradictions.

I had a feeling that this was a glimpse of the Bella that would have been had she not been derailed. Yet everything abhorrent that had happened just added to the mix to create the bolder, sassier version of herself that now prevailed, as if she had somehow managed to extract the very best from the worst time of her life and bring it forth to combine with everything good and beautiful from before. She was a perfect blend of old and new. I really liked this Bella. I even liked myself when I was with her. I liked us and what we'd become. God, I even liked her new habit of cursing when she was frustrated or angry, often times not even knowing she was doing it. I could only assume that meant she was finally truly was comfortable with where she was at in life. But it was just so unexpected, and sometimes, it was kind of hot.

"You're just jealous that my hands are on the car and not you," I replied, grinning like a fool.

"Well, you've got a point there. I think I could actually get jealous of this car. The way you're making goo-goo eyes at it right now does leave me feeling rather inadequate."

"Well, I'll have to rectify that, won't I?" I leaned her against the car, bending in to kiss her neck and along her jaw, getting lost in the taste of her and the thrum of her pulse beating rapidly under her delicate skin.

"Oh, no you don't. I will not be part of any threesomes. It's me or the car, Edward. I will not engage in any intimate behaviour while leaning on this vehicle." She pouted adorably.

"How about intimate behaviour _in_ the car?" I asked, wiggling my eyebrows suggestively.

"Why, Edward Cullen, did you just wiggle your eyebrows at me?" she asked in mock horror.

"Why, yes I did, Isabella Swan. Do you have a problem with that?" I couldn't wait until she was Isabella Cullen.

"No. No problem at all. I've always thought that back seat looked rather comfortable, and these front seats, do they go _all_ the way back?" She almost purred her question, and I was starting to feel a little crazy. I should have known she'd call my bluff, although now that she mentioned it, I did rather like the idea. . .

My thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of my cell phone. Alice! I should have known.

"Yes, Alice, what is it?" I barked, instantly regretting my tone.

"Don't you use that tone with me, Edward Cullen! Now get your mind out of the gutter, well the car, and get yourselves home. We've already agreed not to meet you at the airport so you and Bella could have your last chance at your "alone time" on the drive home, as if you need any more after all this time away. But I will not be made to wait any longer while you waste time "christening" the Volvo," Alice ranted into the phone.

"Perhaps you shouldn't be looking at things that don't concern you, Alice," I fought back, realising with the gloom of certainty that any chance at privacy with Bella was now gone, until our next vacation at least. Not that Alice couldn't see what we were up to anywhere, which was groan-worthy in itself, but actually sharing the house with the entire family was sure to put a sizeable crimp in our intimate relations. Bella and I had come a long way, but neither of us was anywhere near that uninhibited yet, and having sex in the family home was tantamount to having sex in front of the rest of the family, as far as we were concerned. As a human, Bella was the only one of us in sweet oblivion when any of the other couples decided to get amorous, something she was most appreciative of and I was completely jealous of. I started to seriously consider industrial strength sound-proofing before Alice reproached me further.

"Edward, I'm warning you. Bring Bella home now, or I'll come and get her myself. It's been three months. You've had her long enough. I want to see my sister, and up until a minute ago, I wanted to see my brother, too. And I promise, we'll look into the sound-proofing." She finished a little more gently. Of everyone, Alice understood Bella's and my temperaments best. The others had had decades to become accustomed to sharing everything because of their heightened senses. Our comparative social awkwardness would take some time to be tempered.

"Okay, okay. I surrender. We're leaving, but don't send out any search parties. We'll be there when we get there. And thanks. We have missed you, Alice."

"I know," she sang. "Now, just hurry up!"

I closed the phone with a heavy heart. I wanted to see the family - I really did. But, selfishly, I liked it being just Bella and me. Away from Forks, it was so easy to pretend that everything was right with the world. We fit just right, and for once, our lives were easy. I was a little apprehensive about what things would be like when we got back to Forks. When reality hit us in the face, would we still be this? Would we still be us?

When I first brought Bella home from the hospital, I was certain that Forks was where she needed to be, and I was still sure of that decision in spite of everything that had happened. It was the only home she had left, and it was important for her to make a place for herself again. But everything was different now, and I wasn't so sure it was where she still needed to be. I wondered if the constant cloud cover would apply metaphorically, as well. Would the air be thick with a past that was too full of bad memories and constant reminders of what wasn't right and what never could be right again? I simply wasn't sure, and the uncertainty weighed heavily on me.

She sensed my shift in mood since the phone call and started rubbing my cheek with her thumbs, cradling my face in her hands. "I take it we won't be trying out the range of the front seat after all?" She smiled, and that sight alone seriously brightened my outlook.

"I hate to think what Alice might do if we don't get going," I sighed reluctantly.

"It's okay, Edward. Not that I wouldn't like to jump your bones right here and now, but we literally have forever, so I'm sure we can make a few concessions along the way."

"So forward, Ms. Swan. Since when are you so bold?" I teased. I knew exactly since when.

"Since I realised what I'd been missing. Being with you, Mr Cullen, really _being_ with you, rocks my world and makes me happy, and I'm all about the happy," she said cheerfully.

"Are you really?" I asked, more serious now. Was this the _new_ Bella, or was this the old Bella putting on a front?

"Damn straight, Edward. I've made my peace. It'll never be. . . I've made my peace. We've done all the hard stuff. It's time for some good. I choose the good. I choose the light!"

She sounded more determined than certain, and I was sure there was more she was going to say, but she didn't. I wondered what it was. I always wondered. She was a mystery to me, and as much as I loved it, it was still an endless source of torment. She liked it, of course. She said it put us on more of an equal standing with each other -- that her "broken" mind balanced us out. I'm not sure I agreed with her, not completely. To my mind, I was never Bella's equal. I didn't press her, though. She was right, we had done the hard stuff, and we'd both made a choice to follow the light. I'd been so afraid that it would fade as time passed, but so far it hadn't. It had only brightened with each new day together. I'd made my own peace, too, and I wasn't going to be the one to drag her back into the darkness. She deserved better than that. Still, I had to be sure.

"So you're okay with going back to Forks? You know, we can do our senior year somewhere else? If you want, we can have everything packed up, and we never have to go back there. Just say the word; the family will understand."

She thought about it for a moment, and I saw a glimmer of something in her eyes. Excitement perhaps? But it was gone so quickly, I couldn't be sure I'd even seen it.

"No, I want to finish high school in Forks. It feels right. I only have this year to be with everybody -- the human everybodys -- so I can say good-bye. I want to do that. We won't ever be coming back to Forks, Edward. I need to say good-bye to it, too, and I don't want to rush that. And I've got to deal with Charlie's and Renee's houses and. . ."

"Bella, don't worry about that right now. We can help you with that, you know. There's plenty of time. Shhhh." I tried to calm her. It was the first time she'd been on the verge of an upset in weeks, the pitch to her voice rising higher the further panicked she became. My uncertainty about returning to Forks suddenly skyrocketed.

"I'm sorry. It's. . . tempting, but I want to go back to Forks. I think I need to. Just one more year."

"Then that's where we'll be." I pushed the doubts to the back of my mind. It was natural for her to feel apprehensive, wasn't it? I was!

"We should get going, though. Alice will only hound us if we waste anymore time, and I can see the goose bumps forming on your arms from standing out here. I should get a sweater out of your bag. We're back in Washington, remember?" I changed the subject, sensing Bella's mind was made up. If there were any chance at a different outcome, Alice would have already been on the phone.

"Thanks, because the drizzle and the clouds and the zero sun had me confused for a minute there," she sighed sarcastically. "I don't need a sweater; I'll be fine in the car." She was already back, pushing her own doubts aside. I'd learned from the best.

I gave her a deep kiss and smiled at how her heart rate accelerated, before breaking away to grab the bags and throw them in the trunk. Wait a minute, is that a scratch? I bent down, tracing the rear panel with my fingers, assessing every stroke of paint and gloss for imperfections.

"Get a room," she snickered, then ducked into the front seat to find cover. I couldn't help but laugh. I was doing that a lot lately. We were in the light now, and we could laugh in the light. Yes, the darkness was still there, waiting to creep back in if we let it, but we chose not to. It wasn't denial, it was simply a choice, or so I reassured myself.

The journey home was easy as it always was when we were together. The car was full of music and we sang or just listened contentedly when we weren't talking about anything and everything. We never had difficulty being together, but it didn't seem that long ago that we were so awkward and unsure, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing or offending, constantly misunderstanding and fretting over who loved more. Honestly, it was a relief to be past the insecurities, at least within our relationship. We just were, and we knew we always would be.

It was comforting and reassuring and comfortable without being boring or predictable. It was never that. Every time she spoke, I hung on her every word. There wasn't a day that went by where she didn't surprise me, somehow. From suddenly deciding she loved going to major league baseball games, but still hated watching it on TV, to randomly tickling me to see if she could find just one spot that would make me react -- she did! No, it was_ never _boring or predictable. And it wasn't perfect, either. We'd both come to understand that imperfection was real and part of life, even our relationship. We'd placed each other on pedestals for too long, and we knew it had to stop. It wasn't real. It wasn't healthy. We'd both made mistakes. So now she'd call me out on my brooding, and I'd get angry about her self-depreciating humour. Seriously, the way she spoke about herself sometimes, her physicality, especially in comparison to me, infuriated me. But we'd agree to disagree over some things, each of us believing that the other couldn't see themselves clearly. Somewhere in there was some common ground, but we rarely found it when it came to our own perceived flaws. Instead, we skirted around the issues and focused on what we could agree on. It was a perfectly normal, wildly passionate relationship, and I'd never been happier.

About half way home, she did it again. She caught me completely by surprise.

"Edward, I've decided that I want us to go away to Dartmouth next year, just the two of us. We could live in our own apartment or something. Maybe not for the whole year, but maybe just a few months? What do you think?" she asked casually, as if this weren't some monumental paradigm shift.

A million thoughts sped through my mind. I was completely confounded, but I didn't want to make too big a deal out of it in case she changed her mind. She could be stubborn like that, and if she saw that I was too excited about it, she may very well reassess her decision. It wasn't that I harboured any doubts about changing her - not anymore. It was going to happen, and a part of me, a very great part, was looking forward to it. But an equally large part wanted her to experience more of her humanity before it ended. It was something she could never get back, and simply finishing High School seemed a horribly anticlimactic and inadequate end to her life. She deserved more. I took a steadying breath before I replied, keeping my tone light but neutral.

"I think that's a great idea, if that's what you want. You know that I'd love to go to Dartmouth with you. And I think getting our own apartment would be perfect. We can still be close to the family but have our own space. Um, why the change of plans?" I asked casually.

"It doesn't mean that I've changed my mind about you changing me, Edward. I'll never change my mind about that. I just want to delay it for a little bit so we can have some more fun, before I have to be shut away for god knows how long while I get my bloodlust under control. The summer has been so good. We're so good together. I guess I just want a bit more of that before I become a newborn. I like spending time with you like this, and it would be nice to experience college, just for a little while."

"Bella, I'm really happy. And I promise you, I won't try to change your mind or delay you. We'll make it happen, when you're ready. But you will love Dartmouth. You won't regret this." Once I could see how certain she was in her decision, I couldn't contain my enthusiasm, and I started grinning like a fool again. This girl had an endless capacity to make me extremely happy, and my mind was already filled with all the wondrous experiences we could have at Dartmouth. She'd probably want to study English Literature, and it had been some time since I'd studied the classics, so I would join her, if she wanted. I was suddenly overjoyed at the thought of the theoretical debates we could get into whilst studying together. I'd love to analyse Bronte with her. Her love of Wuthering Heights remained yet another mystery to be solved, and now I may well be presented with a very real opportunity to unearth some of her hidden secrets - to find out how her mind worked. The possibilities were thrilling, and I was buzzing with excitement which I was trying desperately to reign in. I didn't want my overly enthusiastic response to cause her to reconsider. Of course, she noticed anyway.

"It's okay to be excited, Edward. I am, too," she admitted, and she squeezed my hand firmly. It felt like a mere tickle but the electricity passing between us was anything but. It was exhilarating, and I was elated by these new developments, wondering if Alice had already spread the good news to the rest of the family or if we would get to tell them ourselves.

It had been growing progressively colder the further from Seattle we travelled, and when we hit the outskirts of Forks, we were met with a thunderous downpour. It was cold and wet and somewhat dreary. _Welcome home_. Bella pressed the window release button so the window hummed all the way down, and she edged herself towards the opening, letting the rain splash against her face. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, all the while smiling. The leather seat was getting wet, which was more bothersome than it should have been, but I decided to let it go. I loved her more than I loved the car, and she seemed to be having a moment, though she kept her eyes closed as we passed the police station. I didn't think that was an accident. She hadn't been able to look at it since we arrived home from Phoenix. But she kept her face turned up to the clouds way beyond it, and she seemed to be truly enjoying the frigid air and rain.

"You don't miss the warmth?" I asked, breaking her from her reverie. I don't think I'd ever seen her enjoy the rain quite so much. This was the girl that shuddered convulsively when explaining to me how she didn't like anything cold and wet.

"No, not really. Cold is home. Cold is love. Love gives me all the warmth I need. Awww, that sounds so corny, right?" she groaned, buzzing the window up and squeezing my upper thigh reflexively.

I flinched and groaned right back at her. Now was not the time to be touching me in that way. We were almost home, and I didn't think stepping out of the car with an enormous hard-on was the best way to greet our family. But the hair around her face was damp, and the droplets of rain were making their way down her cheeks and onto her neck, and she looked so incredibly sexy. . .

"Oh, sorry. I wasn't even thinking. Not that I wouldn't mind, well, now's not really a good time. I'll try and keep my hands to myself, I promise." She giggled in her best Muttley impersonation but managed to blush all the way to scarlet, and it didn't help my condition at all. I knew what that blush meant.

"Bella, you are driving me crazy. Now, please distract me or it's going to be quite an embarrassing homecoming," I growled, doing my best to think of the most innocuous images to calm myself.

"Kittens and puppies," she offered.

"Talking about the rain is not helping."

"That's cats and dogs, Edward." She rolled her eyes. "Okay, old ladies with holey stockings."

"Some improvement."

"Ooh, I know! Jessica Stanley coming on to you," she cried excitedly.

"Yep, that did it. Thanks, love." And I wasn't lying.

We arrived minutes later, and I parked right outside the house. The rain hadn't let up at all, and with the wipers stopped, visibility outside the car was limited, effectively isolating us from everything else.

"Wow, it's really pouring kittens and puppies," Bella said teasingly.

"Quiet, you!" I grabbed her hand and brought it to my mouth, slathering wet kisses on her playfully.

"None of that, Cullen. We just got you all calmed down." She had a point.

We sat in the car for a moment, neither of us making any moves to get out. This was it. The honeymoon -- so to speak -- was over, and although it was exciting to be home, it was also a little bittersweet. It wasn't lost on either of us that this was not unlike another homecoming of only a few months earlier. It wasn't a time we liked to dwell on, but it was difficult to avoid the parallels as well as the vast changes since then. In many ways, we were like two different people back then. There'd been so much pain, physical and emotional. So much uncertainty. But we'd overcome it -- she'd overcome it. But it wasn't like we could pretend it never happened. It was a delicate balance, living for the here and now and not denying what was. We were still learning, and I suspected it was going to be clumsy and awkward at times finding our way.

"Well, it's no Disneyland, but there's no place like home," she said, lightning the mood.

I decided to follow her lead and not belabour the moment. I was sure the only thing keeping Alice, Rosalie and Esme from launching an all out assault on the car was that they'd get their hair messed up in the rain. That, and the fact that I could hear them gathered inside for another not so surprising welcome home moment. I ran us into the house, carrying Bella bridal style and leaving the bags until later. We'd already shipped our holiday acquisitions home to avoid dramas at the airport, and there was nothing we needed for the moment. The wave of thoughts assaulting me from inside the house gave me a strong feeling that it was going to be a very long night with the family, catching up.

I got us inside without getting too wet, and we made our way to the living area where we were once again confronted with a huge welcome home banner hanging from the ceiling, balloons and streamers completing the effect. Everyone yelled out, "welcome home," while we made the rounds hugging and kissing and saying hello. It wasn't until I was actually with them all that I realised just how long it had been since we'd seen each other. The time had seemed to pass so quickly.

**A/N**

**Thanks so much to TwilightZoner for being my beta. You're awesome.**

**Please leave me a review - I love hearing what you think. **


	3. Chapter 3

**TRANSCENDENCE CHAPTER 3 - HOMECOMING**

Carlisle and Esme embraced Bella gently but intently, not letting go for the longest time. Carlisle pulled me into the embrace, awkwardly patting my back and telling me it was good to see me. If I didn't know better, I'd have said Carlisle was choking back tears. Just because the tears would never fall, didn't mean the sobs weren't real, and he looked decidedly emotional. Esme didn't even try to hold back, her chest heaving slightly as she pulled us both in closely. I could see Bella's eyes begin to tear up as the intensity of the emotions built, but Emmett came to the rescue, hoisting her into the air and spinning her around as if she were a child. In his arms, she almost looked it, and her fit of giggles completed the scene.

"That's a pretty impressive tan you've worked up little sister. Oh, wait, it was just a shadow," Emmett snickered.

"Pot, kettle," Bella quipped in return.

Rosalie hugged Bella tenderly, and they seemed to share a moment, Rose giving an almost imperceptible nod of approval at me as she took in Bella's demeanour. She noticed everything, all the subtle and not so subtle changes in Bella that indicated that she was different, yet still the same. Rose was the most perceptive among us, but she rarely revealed her talents, preferring to inconspicuously size everyone up. She would never outright tell me, but she didn't hide from her thoughts how happy she was to see us both and how particularly relieved she was to see the shift in Bella. But Rose was still Rose, and she just had to roll her eyes and smirk at me disapprovingly.

_Don't get too carried away with the sentiment, Edward. I'll be sick of you again in under a day, I'm sure. _

What could I do but return the smirk and nod in acceptance. Rose and I had never had an easy relationship, and I knew that was a trend that was likely to continue. She'd never truly forgiven me for rejecting her, though the feeling had been mutual. But I sensed a shift in her, too, a softening around the edges, and I suspected that through Bella, we may find even more common ground.

Jasper was reserved, and I knew he was acclimating himself to Bella's scent again after such a long absence, but it was more out of habit. He'd frequently visited her room in our absence so he could keep his familiarity with her scent, and I could see that he posed no real threat at that time. My smile of encouragement seemed to bolster his confidence. He placed a gentle kiss on Bella's cheek in welcome, and Bella was struck speechless. It was the first time Jasper had made such an overtly personal gesture towards Bella, and I knew the burst of indifference that came at us was his way of masking his own embarrassment at suddenly becoming the centre of attention. He and Emmett then took turns in pushing and shoving me and slapping me on the back in some strange macho welcoming ritual.

Alice was the last to approach us, standing back and letting everyone have their turn before she threw herself on me, holding me so tightly she actually hurt me a little.

"Alice, my ribs," I heaved, doing my best to pry her arms loose from around my chest. She was deceptively strong, even by vampire standards.

"Sorry, Edward. I just missed you." _Don't ever go away for that long again. It's unacceptable. _ She practically shouted the last part to my mind, everyone else oblivious.

She tore herself away from me, took Bella's hands in her own and led her to the sofa, sitting her down comfortably before carefully wrapping her arms around her and burying her face in Bella's neck. It was an incredibly touching scene, and Alice's thoughts of love and sisterhood towards Bella were quite overwhelming. She must have seen Bella's imminent tears, so she pulled back and grasped her hands again, commanding Bella to tell her everything, successfully lightening the moment.

Bella composed herself and smiled mischievously. "Everything's a pretty wide category, Alice. But I promise, I'll do my best, maybe when we're alone." Then she blushed, and Alice giggled, and I didn't need to be a mind reader to know exactly what they'd be talking about later. I couldn't begrudge it though. The selfish part of me would have preferred to never leave her side - to be her everything. But the newly matured part of me liked that she had friends outside of the two of _us_ that she could confide in, even if they were my sisters and probably my mother, as uncomfortable as I knew that would likely prove to be. Discretion was not prevalent in this house, and there were very few secrets between the couples or amongst each other. Teasing was bound to ensue, and it was usually at my expense. I sighed in anticipation of the onslaught that was bound to be coming my way at any moment.

The unspoken words didn't escape anyone's notice, and Emmett and Jasper started slapping and pushing me again, this time accompanied by wolf whistles and a few, "whoo hoo's". I steeled myself and put my best amused face forward. If they knew how uncomfortable I was, it would only make it worse.

Bella blushed deeply but rose to the challenge. "Get your minds out of your pants, boys, or you won't get the presents we brought back for you, and believe me, you _want_ these presents."

This pretty much floored everyone. They'd seen glimpses of the tough, funny Bella, but she'd just taken Jasper and Emmett's sexual innuendos on full force without breaking a sweat. _And_ she managed to get them where it hurt, well, Emmett at least. The carton that had been shipped and arrived ahead of us with strict instructions not to be touched or opened had been gnawing at him for days. He kept stealing glances at it, and his thoughts betrayed his desire to move the welcome home part along and get to the present opening stage. Always the eternal child, Emmett loved presents, and he loved surprises. Bella had him good, and he was too stunned to even think of a witty comeback.

I took my queue, relieved at having avoided the goading for now. _Thank you, Bella, _I thought gratefully. The carton was by the front door, so I quickly moved it towards the sofas where everyone began to congregate, all still a little shell shocked by Bella's swift handling of the lewd insinuations.

Jasper took the change in mood in his stride, though he was certainly impressed in Bella's new-found strength. As he sat himself next to Alice, pulling her lovingly into his side, he asked cautiously, "So, there were no signs of _him_ at all?"

I knew the "him" to which he referred. Bella's emotional climate gave him the courage to voice his question publicly rather than waiting to speak with me privately as he first intended. But before I could answer, Bella spoke up.

"No, Jasper. Nothing. No rabid wolves. No crazed vampires. Not even any freaking fairies, unless you count Tinkerbell at Disneyland. Nope, no disasters when I entered a room. I guess this means my mere presence doesn't guarantee the apocalypse after all. It's actually nice to know that life can be normal for a change, well, as normal as possible living la vida loca with Dracula's descendants and all."

Emmett, still reeling from her last comments, somehow managed to recover and be the first to roar with laughter. "Again with the vampire humour. Geez Bella, what the hell happened to you over the summer? It feels like Bambi left the building and Mike Tyson came back swinging."

"I have a feeling we're starting to see the real Bella Swan," Rosalie grinned, "and I like her. _Sassy!_"

_Things must have gone even better than expected. She's like a new person, Edward. Still the old Bella, but I can see the strength in her. She's grown. You both have. I'm so very happy for you both. _ Carlisle sent his thoughts to me kindly, among other more embarrassing sentiments involving our apparently obvious sexual consummation. He just couldn't let it go. I rolled my eyes, and he smirked shamelessly. Carlisle definitely had a mischievous side, and it seemed as if he'd chosen to unleash it full force on me. Lucky me!

"Geez, I quit the moody bitch phase, and it's like the second coming or something. Now shut up and sit down, or I'm serious, no presents for anyone." She looked around at everyone sternly, but her pink blush and the twitching at the corners of her mouth betrayed her true feelings. She was happy to be home and happy that everyone had noticed the change in her, though still embarrassed as hell by all the attention. Some things would never change.

Esme couldn't contain her excitement, even though she was a little shocked by her forwardness and more _colourful_ language. "Oh Bella, it's so good to have you home, _really_ home." She planted a big kiss on Bella's cheek before falling into place beside a beaming Carlisle on the sofa. "But you didn't have to buy us any gifts. We're just happy to have you home."

"Speak for yourself," Emmett boomed, again indicating his excitement at the prospect of presents. Bella just smiled and ignored him, before taking a deep, calming breath.

"I -- _we_ wanted to. You've been so good to me, there's no way I can ever repay you for. . . everything. You've helped me -- us -- to get through the worst of times, and so we wanted to do something special for you as a thank you, even though it could never be enough. . ." Bella trailed off, suddenly serious and embarrassed at being in the spotlight. In truth, the gifts were all Bella's idea. I wholeheartedly agreed with her, of course, because our family had been amazing. I'm not sure either of us would have endured if it weren't for their support, but Bella had a special desire to show her appreciation. She wasn't sure she could ever put into words what they meant to her. They had given her a family when hers was taken from her, so she hoped that the gifts could in some small way convey how she really felt. It was times like these that she reminded me so much of Charlie. Public displays of affection were difficult at best for them both, but she'd come so far, and this was her way of telling them how much she loved them, while avoiding a weepy emotional breakdown that she knew she wouldn't be able to control. The way she twirled a lock of hair around her finger and chewed on her lip showed me exactly how vulnerable she still felt.

So as not to prolong her agony, I diverted everyone's attention by searching out the first of the gifts. Bella had insisted I take the lead so that she could see everyone's reactions. I knew that was true, but I also knew that she didn't want to bring any more attention to herself. She hadn't changed _that_ much. So she sat back, relieved to have said her piece but still looking nervous. She had been almost obsessive about making sure we'd chosen perfectly. For Bella, these were the most important gifts she would ever give. They needed to say what she didn't feel she ever adequately could with words. I dug into the carton, bringing out a small yet substantial package which I handed to Carlisle and Esme. They opened it carefully and revealed the bronze sculpture we had commissioned from the famous artist, Artis Lane. She was a favourite of Carlisle and Esme's, appealing to Carlisle's appreciation of the human form and Esme's love of style and design. They already owned some of her "Emerging Into Spirit" sculptures and so immediately recognised her unique style.

"It's called "Love". We met with her while we were in Los Angeles, and she agreed to create this for you. We wanted something that represented your unending love and devotion to one another," I told them, as they examined the creation in awe.

"It's beautiful. Absolutely perfect!" Esme gushed while Carlisle nodded emphatically. They were both quite overcome, thinking that the sculpture represented love so beautifully and uniquely. Esme was already thinking about where best to place it, possibly their bedroom, while Carlisle was admiring the craftsmanship. He thought it could be the artist's best work.

Bella smiled widely at me, thrilled by their reaction, and I was thrilled for her. But I knew that her own observations wouldn't be enough. She'd want a full run down on everyone's unspoken reactions later, so I made a special note to pay attention to all impressions as each new gift was revealed.

The next was for Alice. I handed her the large package and she trilled with delight. Of course, she knew what was coming, but she was overwhelmed by the sentiment and the efforts we went to in procuring it. She didn't even open the box, preferring to keep it hermetically sealed.

"An Oleg Cassini original worn by Jacqueline Kennedy herself in 1961. I love it. It's absolutely perfect." She bounced in delight and pecked Bella on the cheek, promising to show Esme and Rosalie the contents later when there was no chance of Emmett "accidentally" touching it.

_I adore it, Edward. Be sure to tell Bella how much it means to me. I will, too, of course, but she'll want to hear it from you to be certain. I may have known what you decided to get me, but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate the amazing thought behind it. This will be the showpiece of my collection. _

I nodded my assent, more than pleased at how this was going and probably too focused on Bella's reactions, which were even more delightful than the recipients' of the gifts. It was very easy to get lost in her. She caught me staring and frowned, urging me to continue. The next was for Jasper, so I handed him a much smaller package than Alice's, which he opened eagerly.

"I don't believe it! A Colt 1849 pocket revolver, .31 calibre with five inch octagonal barrel and six shot cylinder!" he practically shouted. "She's a beauty. Thank you so much." There could never be any doubt about Jasper's reaction. Joy radiated out from him like the heat from a flame, and suddenly everyone became fascinated in the historical weapon.

"It was probably manufactured in 1862, and it has an interesting history. It was actually used in the civil war. The full history is in the box," I told him. He caressed it lovingly, fingering the smooth iron ridges of the octagonal barrel, pulling back the loading lever to inspect the cylinder. Bella giggled and grinned knowingly at me, no doubt a reference to my prior handling of the Volvo. Jasper was gone, lost in his previous life, remembering patchy images of the Colt he once owned, wondering where it might be now.

Emmett was getting very restless, eyeing the carton impatiently, but one look at Bella told me that he had to wait until last. I suppressed my mirth, loving the way Bella could "handle" Emmett with such ease. I handed Rosalie a medium sized package, and she took it cautiously, hesitating before beginning to unwrap it. She loved gifts just as much as Emmett, but she wasn't fond of overly emotional scenes in front of the whole family. Given the nature of the gifts so far, she was unsure how she might react. She didn't want to lose control, always needing to be strong. She gently pulled off the wrappings to reveal a framed photo of a stunning blonde beauty from a former time. The clothing and hair styling were evidence of that. She reverently rubbed her fingers over the girl's face, tracing her outline, and I knew if she could cry, she would have. She swallowed hard and reached across to squeeze Bella's hand affectionately, keeping her face angled down and her hair forming a veil to shield her from our prying eyes. _ Thank you, Edward, I don't know what to say. _She glanced up briefly, and I nodded in return, hoping she understood that no words were necessary. 

"What is it, Rosie?" Emmett asked eagerly.

"It's a picture of Rosalie when she was human. The Rochester Historical Society has a large collection of original photographs which we sorted through and well, "borrowed" so that we could make this copy. You were quite the socialite, Rose; we found a few photos. We copied them for you, too. You have always been beautiful," Bella explained lovingly, unable to contain her enthusiasm. This was the gift she was most excited about. Finding such a direct link to one of our human pasts was not something we had expected, and quite honestly, I still couldn't believe our luck. It was the most personal gift we had managed to find.

Rose remained silent, though her thoughts were anything but. Her mind was a myriad of images and remembrances of happier times. Her parents' faces. Her mother curling her hair. Her father buying her the latest fashions. Her first grown-up dance. It was gratifying to give her something of her past that could inspire such favourable emotions. For so long now, her every thought of her former life had been tainted with such bitterness over how it had ended that the betrayal and hurt never left her. But finally, through this solitary image of a girl from a bygone era, Rosalie could remember the goodness. I had a feeling there would be no gift, besides Emmett, that Rosalie would ever cherish more, and I was very happy for my sister.

"Let me see." Emmett was instantly at Rosalie's side taking in the photo for himself. "Aw, Rosie, I'd have wanted you as a human, too. You were gorgeous then and you're gorgeous now, inside and out." As often as his foot ended up securely in his mouth, Emmett had a way of saying exactly the right thing when it counted the most. I had first hand experience of that, and seeing him pull Rosalie into a tender embrace as she smiled up at him adoringly, I was reminded once again at just how much depth there truly was to my wayward brother. He hid those parts of himself well, preferring to be the fun, carefree, eternal child we were accustomed to.

The photo was passed around the whole family, evoking much emotion and a sense of wistfulness for all the human lives lost so long ago. It was met with appreciative sighs and "wows", and Rosalie tried to force back her sobs as her chest heaved. Alice was almost as emotional as Rose, but for different reasons. Though only Carlisle and I had the opportunity to bring a chosen selection of our human belongings with us into this new life, we all had our memories, albeit somewhat hazy. But Alice had nothing except for what James had revealed to Bella at the ballet studio. It was the only positive to come out of the entire ordeal, as it gave her some measure of understanding for why she had no memories. But the pain and the loss remained. She wanted desperately to remember, and suddenly the ache to know what colour her eyes had been was all consuming. Jasper embraced her firmly and sent forth such a burst of love and desire that Bella blushed, as we all would have if only we could. He toned it down immediately, but Alice was already coming back to her normal, cheerful self. I realised then that her sunny disposition was not without effort. She made a choice to be happy rather than lose herself to her sadness, and I couldn't help but see the comparison with Bella and with Rose and Esme, too, for that matter. It was actually a little intimidating. These women were a force to be reckoned with. How could it have taken me so long to notice this?

Bella coughed, bringing my attentions back to the task at hand. She shared a smile with me, and I was certain she was feeling just as overwhelmed as I was over the reaction to all the gifts but especially the photo of Rosalie. It was even better than we'd hoped. But this still left Emmett, who was now practically bouncing with eagerness to receive his. He looked to Bella and me imploringly, but I left it to Bella. She was the one handling Emmett, and she was doing a far better job of it than I had ever done, so I was happy to defer to her.

"Emmett, you'll get your presents on the condition that there are no more sex jokes." This certainly dispersed the mixed emotions the nostalgia had conjured. Everyone's eyes snapped to Bella, and she stood firm, not even the hint of a blush in sight. She was a constant mystery to me. In one moment the thought of handing out gifts to our family had her full of nerves and embarrassment, and in the next moment she was browbeating Emmett into not teasing us with embarrassing sex jokes. It was something I had never managed to achieve. Emmett started to protest, but Bella silenced him with a simple raise of her hand. "No, Emmett. I know you haven't even started yet, and you're just dying to get stuck into your tease the shit out of Edward and make Bella blush jokes that you've been storing up. But I'm warning you, any out of line sexually charged references to me, Edward or both of us together, and you forfeit this and _all_ future gifts. We're talking _eternity,_ Emmett. Think about it."

I was suddenly very turned on - she was fantastic. Jasper snickered at me knowingly. Emmett, on the other hand, was crestfallen, and I could both see and hear his inner debate as he weighed up the arsenal of sex humour he had stored against the potential for awesome gifts until the end of time. Reluctantly, he conceded.

"Geez Bella, you drive a hard bargain. I think I liked you better when you were meek," he moped.

"I was never meek, Emmett, I just grew up. So get over it. Now do you want your presents or not?" Bella quipped, grinning widely. Score: Bella one, Emmett zero.

The rest of the family were thrilled with Bella's new-found confidence and a little overwhelmed that she'd managed to handle Emmett so effectively. Like me, they suspected there was always a lot more to Bella, but our time away had allowed her to blossom, and it didn't go unnoticed. Nor did my apparently new and improved relaxed mood. I guess I could see their point. There was a time I wouldn't have left Bella to fight her own or my battles with Emmett. That was new. My normal reaction to Emmett's teasing and insults would have been to get angry and quite possibly storm off in frustration. So, it seemed that from our family's perspective at least, that Bella and I had both done a lot of growing up over the summer. Their thoughts on Bella's transformation were of pride, and with mine, it was more like relief. I wasn't sure whether to be insulted or not. Just how moody did they think I was before?

"Wait a minute. Did you say _presents,_ as in plural?" Emmett asked eagerly.

"I might have," she said slyly.

And that was all it took. Bella owned Emmett.

"Of course I want them. Now, hand them over, and with those terms, they better be good," Emmett retaliated, already moving on and excited about what was coming.

I handed him the first package, and he ripped off the wrapping enthusiastically.

"No way. Vintage Tennessee Smokies uniform. I used to go to some of their games when I was human. This takes me back. Awesome! Okay, I guess it was worth it." He gave Bella his best gentle bear hug and slapped me on the back some more. Seriously, what was with all the male bonding back slapping that was going on? Emmett was no slouch, and his slaps were getting painful. It had been quite a while since I'd been away from the family for this long, so I assumed it must be a normal "human" custom for when you'd been absent at length. I was usually quite good at noticing the various quirks of humanity, but I'd somehow missed this one. Emmett's mind reeled through images of the baseball games he and his brother had attended before his fatal run in with the bear and then Rosalie, so I used his memories as a distraction from the sting across my shoulders.

"Not just vintage, Emmett. Circa 1934. They're the real deal," Bella proudly told him.

I handed Emmett the final package and shared a smirk with Bella. He tore into it eagerly, grinning even wider as he revealed the clock we brought back from Disneyland for him. He checked it over and started pressing buttons as the Indiana Jones theme music began playing.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and groaned, "Thanks heaps, guys. That's gonna get old really fast. It's not like we sleep you know. We don't really need an alarm clock."

"It doesn't have to wake you up, it can remind him to get ready for school or anything else for that matter," I encouraged.

As predicted, Emmett kept playing the alarm demo over and over. He was the epitome of a kid with a new toy, checking out the snooze and wall projection features. I fought hard not to lose my composure, but Alice and Bella were nearly in hysterics, Bella flashing through the entire spectrum of crimson as Emmett got more and more enthralled with his Indiana Jones alarm clock.

"I love Indy. We should watch those movies again. Hey, what's so funny?" he asked, totally oblivious to what was really going on.

Bella and I exchanged a knowing glance, and Alice did her best to reign herself in. Jasper was confused by the mix of emotions coming at him and couldn't quite reconcile how an Indiana Jones digital alarm clock could bring forth lust, embarrassment and hilarity all at the same time. Fortunately, no one else seemed to notice that we were anything other than amused by Emmett's obvious entertainment with his gifts. In reality, it was our way at getting back at Emmett for all the sexual innuendo and teasing he had ever put us through and that he had intended to continue to put us through. While staying at the Disneyland Hotel during one, shall we say, amorous afternoon, we may have gotten a little overly enthusiastic, and the alarm clock fell from the side table and crashed to the ground, playing the Indiana Jones theme music over and over at a rather delicate point in proceedings. Things didn't end well for the alarm clock, but when Bella suggested it would make the perfect gift for Emmett, I had to agree. Now, whenever he innocently set the alarm off, we would think of our afternoon of passion, and he'd never know why we thought it was so funny. Letting him in on the joke would just make it embarrassing for us, and he'd never stop playing it. This way, we got to have some revenge even though he never knew it. Of course, Alice knew what was going on, and she was bound to let Jasper in on the joke, but we decided this would be one secret we'd keep to just the four of us.

The rest of the evening was spent catching up. We laughed a lot, and everyone gushed over their gifts which made Bella extremely happy. It was getting late when I noticed Bella trying to yawn discreetly. She was sitting with Carlisle, who had been trying to get her alone all evening so he could speak with her about her injuries. He'd been uneasy about the break in her physical therapy routine and not being able to monitor her progress whilst we were away, but Bella had managed to satisfy him that she hadn't suffered any setbacks. I could hear the strain in her voice as she tried to assure him that she got plenty of physical activity in lieu of her physical therapy. Carlisle was about to delve further when I decided a rescue was in order.

"You look exhausted, Bella. You should get some sleep," I interjected. She looked so relieved that I almost laughed.

"Oh, of course, you must be worn out. We can catch up some more tomorrow, and if you wouldn't mind, maybe you could indulge me with a physical exam just so I can see for myself how you're doing?" Carlisle prodded.

"Sure, Carlisle. But you'll see, I'm really fine. As fine as I'll ever be in this human body, that is," Bella casually answered. "But I wouldn't mind a piggy-back ride to our bedroom, Edward. I'm exhausted."

I didn't miss her reference to her bedroom as _ours_. A knot of excitement formed deep within my stomach, and I couldn't wait to find out if she'd really meant it or if it had been a slip of the tongue. Carlisle seemed oblivious and was instead caught up by her casual request for my help. Bella was nothing if not stubborn, and it wouldn't be unusual for her to struggle up the stairs on her own just to prove it to herself that she could do it.

_Edward, the change in her, in you both, is wonderful, _Carlisle thought kindly. _She's asking for your help without putting up a fuss. And from what I have seen tonight, her range of motion is very good, certainly better than what I first anticipated it would be. Of course, there are permanent issues, but she's doing very well. She seems so much more relaxed and content. You both do. I'm truly happy for you. _ I smiled at him in response, thenlifted Bella from the couch and onto my back. She wrapped her legs around my waist and hung on in her awkward way, teasing me with her scent as her long hair and warm breath swirled around my face. 

"I could really get used to this mode of transportation," she giggled.

Carlisle's silent sentiments were echoed in my mind by all as we bid our good-nights and made our way upstairs. I was certainly eager for a modicum of privacy after our lengthy reunion, even if it meant simply holding Bella in my arms and watching her sleep.

When we reached her room, I eased her down gently so she could reacquaint herself. Her eyes widened in wonder, much like they did the first time she saw the space. She immediately went to the family photo of Charlie, Renee and a baby version of herself, delicately tracing the faces of her parents as she looked upon them wistfully. I didn't know what to say, so decided to not say anything at all.

"Is it wrong that I'm happy?" She was still lost in the faces of her parents, caressing their images as her eyes glistened, but no tears fell.

I made no move to go to her. Ordinarily, I wouldn't have been able to keep myself from her, but I knew she could stand on her own - that she wanted to stand on her own. As much as I wanted to be her hero, her protector, we had moved beyond those childish notions. We were more than that now. I had finally come to understand that I couldn't fix everything. It was as simple as that. And she'd learned that it was okay to ask for help when she needed it. I knew now that wanting to protect her and catch her when she fell was was different to wrapping her in cotton wool and smothering her with protection and platitudes. I'd learned that those things only made me feel better but didn't necessarily help her at all. The loss of her parents and a part of herself was real. They were wounds that could never fully heal, and she owned them. I had my own. So we learned to do the only thing that mattered. We loved each other unconditionally and hoped it would be enough. So far, it seemed to be. So I remained fixed, staring at her as she dealt with her sadness and her guilt, wishing I could do more but in the end, doing the most by allowing her to deal with it herself.

"No, it's not wrong," I said simply, and I remained in the doorway. We'd had this discussion many times before. She knew my feelings, and I think she only asked now for reassurance to stay her course. Moving forward was not without effort. It was a choice, one that we both needed to work at daily.

She half smiled as she set the picture back down on her side table, the glass in the frame clinking softly as she placed a chaste kiss to her fingers and pressed them to the her parents' faces. I could make out the faint ridges from her fingerprints smudge over the glass as she sighed deeply, still transfixed on the image. After a few silent moments, she turned to me with a new glint in her eyes.

"Well, I think we need to move some of your stuff in here if we really want it to be our room. It can't just be my stuff," she said matter of factly, opening her arms and signalling her need.

I complied instantly, wrapping her in my arms and spinning her around in my excitement. She really did want it to be _our_ room. I peppered her with kisses, and she chuckled in my excitement.

"Take it easy, lover boy, this can't be a surprise. You can't possibly think I want to spend my nights without you. It's been as much your room as it has been mine since the beginning anyway. Now I just want to make it official, okay?"

"It's more than okay. I really love you. Do you know that?" I grabbed her face in my hands and looked into her eyes. Sometimes I wished so badly for her to be able to see the depth of my love that I thought I could will it upon her. So I just stared, hoping that through my eyes she could see just a fraction of what I felt. I'd taken to doing this more and more because honestly, words just weren't always enough.

She stared back at me, and silent tears began to fall down her cheeks. But she wasn't sad. She smiled, and her teary eyes crinkled. She knew.

"Thank you. It's how I feel, too," she whispered.

I changed into my "sleep" pants and waited for her in _our_ bed as she performed her nightly ritual. She emerged from the bathroom in sleep shorts and a tank top, looking weary but adorable, and crawled in beside me. I wrapped a blanket around her for warmth, and she snuggled into me, quickly falling into an exhausted sleep. I guess she could wait until tomorrow for the run down on what everyone thought about their gifts. So I did what I always did - I held her tightly and watched her sleep and dream. Sweet dreams I hoped, and I knew that at last, they mostly were now. She'd had more than her share of nightmares, and now when she cried out in the night, it wasn't in despair or fear -- not always. I pulled her in even tighter, allowing myself to get lost in her every detail as her face and limbs relaxed in full slumber. It was good to be home.

**A/N**

Thanks to TwilightZoner, my fabulous beta. Please read her stuff - you won't regret it. She created "The Monster" after all!

Thank you so much for reading, and don't worry - the angst is coming!!

Please leave me a review and let me know what you think.

What's the best present you ever received?


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer - The characters were created by Stephenie Meyer. To the extent it does not infringe on Ms. Meyer's work, the remainder is my original work and I own the copyright.**

**Beta - TwilightZoner**

**CHAPTER 4 - PARTY**

_**Edward**_

"I'm not wearing this. . . this monstrosity," Bella said, and I could see her face scrunching up in displeasure through Alice's mind. She then shuddered violently and made a gagging noise.

"Oh, yes you are," Alice retorted, breathy in her opposition.

"Oh no, I'm _not_. It's _my_ birthday, Alice, and I'll be damned if I'm going to look like a freak. Jesus, it's worse than the "Pretty in Pink" dress. It's not even something Cyndi Lauper would wear. Seriously, what the hell were you thinking? In what universe would I ever wear something like this? In what universe would anyone wear something like this? It's not the '80s for fuck's sake!" Bella yelled. "Shit, sorry, Esme," she hastily added, knowing wherever Esme was in the house that she'd hear the apology, flawed as it was.

I could hear a deep intake of air followed by a long exasperated exhalation before Alice collapsed into a fit of giggles. The rest of the family snickered in unison from their various locations throughout the house. Bella's new penchant for profanities, especially when she was angry or flustered, was something of a joke amongst the family. Even Esme couldn't hide her mirth. It was just so funny seeing Bella scream bloody murder whenever she got sufficiently frustrated. So our siblings made it their mission to rile her up as much as possible. I confess, I did it sometimes, too. It was just so amusing to see my shy, little Bella put a sailor to shame with that mouth - it did strange things to me. I guess that's what happens when you finally let go after years of being what everyone else wants you to be. The floodgates had definitely been opened. She was adorable and shocking all at once.

"Now, Bella, in what universe would _I_ ever make you wear something like that? I couldn't resist, though. You should have seen your face," Alice laughed hysterically, and I could hear her gasping in breaths of air to calm herself.

I could see the dress in question through Alice's mind, and it was hideous. The '80s were not my favourite decade, and I couldn't picture Bella outfitted in such a flamboyant example of the era. And that colour! As soon as Bella blushed, it would be difficult to tell where her skin ended and the dress began. Ghastly! Then I laughed - no wonder she was upset. Emmett and Jasper resumed their video game, still chortling occasionally as we followed the ongoing conversation upstairs between Bella and Alice.

"Alice, once I'm a newborn, I swear, I'm gonna pin you down and dress you in the most butt ugly outfit I can get my hands on. I'm talking JC Penny, and I promise, you will _not_ be coordinated!" Bella threatened.

_You're different, Edward._ Carlisle thought at me, interrupting the increasingly humorous exchange going on upstairs.

"In a good way, I hope," I responded, focusing my attention on him.

"In a very good way," he spoke his reply. "The vacation has had a profound effect on you both. You seem at peace."

"Let's just say that I had some startling revelations while I was away, and I've come to believe that I was wrong about certain beliefs I had long held steadfast," I hedged, not wanting to get into a philosophical discussion about souls at that moment.

But, he understood immediately. _In that case, I am extremely happy for you. It seems Bella has been able to accomplish what I have failed miserably at for near on a century._ _Though I imagine Bella has far more persuasive powers at her disposal._

If I could have blushed, I would have. I settled for a pointed eye roll instead, and Carlisle let it drop, grinning widely. _I will miss our debates, though I must admit, I'm relieved that you can finally take a more enlightened position on your existence. _

"Oh, I'm sure we will find much else to debate, Carlisle," I said jokingly. In truth, I wouldn't miss _those_ debates at all. I wouldn't miss the utter hopelessness nor the contempt with which I held myself in, in spite of Carlisle's desperate attempts to sway me.

"Hurry up, Bella. Everyone will be arriving soon," Alice sang. "I'm going downstairs to make sure everything is perfect."

She'd no sooner said it than she was already in the family room rearranging flowers and lighting yet more candles.

"Everything _is_ perfect, Alice," I reassured her.

"Thanks, Edward. I want it to be special. Bella will only turn 18 once, and I want to make sure it's a night she remembers. Who knows how many more birthdays she'll have," she finished cryptically.

"What do you know, Alice? Bella has already decided we're going to Dartmouth next year, so she should have at least one more birthday after this," I explained, feeling myself become alarmed.

"Relax, Edward. Nothing concrete. Just random images of Bella as one of us. It's more of a feeling than anything else. Probably nothing to worry about at all," she assured me, though she was confused. She hated it when she couldn't decipher her visions, but she shrugged it off, sure that she'd be able to work it out soon. "Anyway, 18 is an extra special birthday, so I want it to be just right."

I could tell that she wasn't hiding anything from me. She really hadn't seen anything specific, so I decided to let it go for now. The guests would be arriving any minute, and I didn't want to cast a dour mood on the evening when there was nothing specifically wrong. I chuckled at myself. I guess I really have changed. A few months ago I'd have never been able to let something like that go.

Rosalie appeared at the top of the stairs, waiting until she had our attention, never one to miss an entrance. She was wearing something short, tight and black, and Emmett appreciated it quite enthusiastically. She gave Emmett's khaki dress pants and white button down shirt her nod of approval as she made her way down to the family room at human speed. We were all in our finest "smart casual" attire per Alice's instructions. Bella had managed to talk her down from formal wear, for which we were all grateful, no one more so than Bella herself.

I looked back to the top of the stairs when I heard Bella arrive with Esme. I think we both gasped at the same time, though for different reasons. As always, it was Bella's beauty that struck me breathless. But I could see that Bella was overcome by the view from the stairs looking down onto the ground floor. Alice had outdone herself, both for my and Bella's benefit. The pencil thin black skirt reached just below her knees and was teamed with a fitted blouse in my favourite shade of Bella-blue. Her hair was silken straight and pushed behind her ears to fall elegantly down her back. It reflected rich reds and chocolates in the muted lighting, shining brilliantly. Mercifully, Bella had won the shoe argument, and she was sporting a pair of black ballet-style flats that kept her as steady on her feet as she could get. She was beautiful, eyes wide and sparkling as she took in the sight below her.

There were literally hundreds of tea light candles sprinkled throughout the space creating a magical glow. Vases, boxes and baskets of fresh flowers adorned almost every surface, permeating the air with a deliciously floral fragrance that helped considerably to mask the table of human food that had been arranged to accommodate the guests. Helium filled silver balloons clung to the ceiling trailing curled silver ribbon tails throughout the air, casting eerie shadows in the flicker of the candlelight. Next to the dining table, which was now assigned as the gift table, was the cake table. It was a flamboyant cast iron design with ornate scrollwork, the perfect setting for the three tier chocolate masterpiece atop it that was waiting to be massacred. The large silver knife, replete with silver bow, was resting to its side ready to take action.

Emmett and Jasper had been responsible for setting up the gaming station, and there were two enormous flat screens hooked up to a Wii and a PS3 respectively, surrounded by sofas and chairs and a selection of popular games. I had compiled the music selection, under Alice's supervision, of course, lest I go too old school, and a steady rhythm pulsed in the background complementing the festive ambience. The trees lining the drive way to the house were littered with fairy lights, continuing the magical theme all the way to the highway where the entrance would be easily visible.

Bella beamed, and I could only take this to mean she was suitably impressed. Getting her to agree to the party in the first place had been the challenge, but she'd relented reasonably easily and had then welcomed Alice's ideas, only vetoing the formal wear and the live band suggestions. Alice was more than welcoming of this new version of Bella, who allowed her to shop for her and to arrange parties, albeit somewhat reluctantly at times. It certainly did make the gift purchasing process easier. I knew Bella still didn't want to be spoiled, but she did deserve it, and I intended to totally take advantage of her more relaxed outlook.

Esme helped Bella down the stairs much more quickly than she could have made it herself and was greeted by Alice, whom she hugged tightly.

"Alice, everything looks so beautiful. Thank you so much. This is better than anything I could have imagined," she gushed.

"Well, we'll just have to work on that imagination of yours, Bella. I take it I'm forgiven for the '80s disaster from earlier," Alice chuckled.

"Oh, I'm not so sure about that. That thing was fugly. But you've definitely earned some brownie points with this," she said, glancing around at everything. She reached up to swat at the silver tails on the balloons, her face almost childlike as she marvelled at the sight.

"You only turn 18 once, Bella, and I wanted to make sure it was special. It's not going to be a big party, but I have a feeling it's going to be memorable. I know these things, although the canine guests are making things kind of patchy," Alice admitted, slightly annoyed by the disruption to her visions.

I couldn't wait another moment. I swept her up in my arms and kissed her passionately, pulling away and setting her back down on her feet quickly before I got too carried away. "Happy Birthday, Bella. Are you happy?"

"Yes, I think I am. I wish. . . well you know. . . Thank you for letting me invite Billy," she said to all of us, changing the course of the discussion.

"Bella, Billy is part of your family, too, in a way. This is your birthday party, and it was your choice to invite whomever you like. I think this means quite a lot to Billy, actually. Including him will make him very happy, I'm certain," Carlisle assured her.

"Speaking of which, they're the first to arrive. They've just turned into the driveway," I announced, pulling Bella into me and kissing the top of her head.

Billy was accompanied by Sam Uley and Seth Clearwater. All three were calm, considering they were coming into what was essentially a vampire coven. But our relationship had strengthened since the situation with Jacob got so out of control, and there'd been much trust built up on both sides over the past months. It meant a lot to Bella to have Billy here. As Charlie's oldest friend, it was a link to her past that she wasn't ready to give up on, and none of us was going to take that away from her.

Carlisle had the door open to greet them before they even made it to the front porch. He and Billy were fast becoming old friends, the awkward truce gradually being replaced by genuine trust and mutual respect. Even if the wolves didn't affect her visions, I didn't think this was something even Alice could have ever foreseen. Sam deftly manouvered Billy's wheelchair into the house where Bella met him eagerly, embracing him in a loving hug. The rest of us exchanged handshakes and nods of welcome. Seth was genuinely excited to be here, first spotting the food, then the Wii, struggling to decide which activity he'd prefer to try first.

Emmett took the hint, inviting Seth to grab a plate of food and bring it with him while he chose which game he'd like to play. "You up for "Call of Duty," Seth? I bet I could whoop your furry ass. Paws aren't known for their finesse," Emmett goaded, all the while smiling broadly. Only Emmett could get away with that.

"Oh, I'm up for it. Statues aren't exactly limber either, Vlad," Seth quipped.

"Oh, it is _so_ on," Jasper chimed in, joining Emmett and Seth in front of one of the flat screens.

"Well, I guess I don't have to worry about everyone getting along," Billy chuckled.

"Can I get you something to drink, Billy? Some food perhaps? We have a table laid out with just about everything Alice and Bella could think of. I'd be happy to make you up a plate," Esme asked.

"Why, that would be nice. Thank you, Esme," Billy stuttered. He was a little flustered, never having spent much time in Esme's presence before, and this was certainly his first visit to the house. But his thoughts were mostly kind and accepting.

Even Sam let his guard down. "You, me and "Mario Kart" later?" he asked, trying to break the ice before going to fix himself a plate of food.

"Absolutely," I agreed.

Bella let out a big sigh, clearly relieved that everyone was getting along. Alice bounced up and down, delighted. "I told you, Bella. Nothing to worry about."

"Alice, it's not like you could actually _see_ that everything would be okay with them," Bella reminded her.

"No, I couldn't. But I couldn't see anything bad, either, so I took that as a positive sign," Alice answered definitely, though it seemed like flawed logic to me

The rest of the humans arrived shortly thereafter - just a handful of Bella's friends from school. The music volume went up, and the lights dimmed a little further relying mostly on the candlelight, which was everywhere. Most of the boys gravitated towards the food, shovelling huge quantities into their mouths with wild abandon and masticating for all the world to see. It was disgusting. Didn't their mother's teach them any manners? They then made their way over to the video games, while the girls spent time with Bella and Alice. Rosalie hovered ominously, making everyone a little nervous. Esme had to drag her into the kitchen to help with the food replenishments. Newton was still secretly pining away for Bella, but he was with Stanley, and he managed to keep his thoughts clean for most of the evening, which was more than I could say for Stanley. She was nothing if not persistent when it came to her fantasies about me. Jasper snickered at me knowingly during one particularly graphic imagining from Jessica. It was bad enough seeing it, so I was grateful that he didn't project her feelings onto me. Still, in spite of it all, the atmosphere was light, and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, even Bella.

This was definitely another first for me - for the entire family actually. We'd always shied away from too much involvement in the communities we lived in. But Bella had a way of bringing out our humanity more and more. This was the first time we'd actually thrown a party at our own home and willingly invited humans into it, and amazingly, it was going well. After some initial discomfort from the school children, they soon relaxed. But there was no doubt that the Cullens would be gossip fodder at school for the next two weeks at least. They'd finally gotten a glimpse into the inner sanctum. They saw our home and how we lived, and our obvious wealth would clearly be a major topic of conversation, not to mention how we "children" were all paired up. The curiosity to see the rest of the house, particularly the bedrooms, was nearly killing Jessica, but Bella managed to deflect her attempts to get a full tour. Rosalie even went so far as to string a garland up across the entrance to the stairway. Subtlety wasn't really her thing.

_It's bad enough we have to have their scents in the house at all. There's no way I'm putting up with that in my own bedroom_, she thought at me caustically.

I put up my hands in surrender. I didn't disagree with her. The thought of Newton or Stanley or God forbid, any of the wolves, in our bedroom, messing with Bella's beautiful scent, was horrifying to me. But the truth was that Rose was quite enjoying herself. It had been a long time since we'd had an excuse for a party, and Rosalie enjoyed every opportunity to dress up and be noticed. It wasn't a criticism - it was just Rose. But, I was okay with that now. She loved and accepted Bella, which was far more than I had ever hoped for, so I would gladly endure all of her other less altruistic character traits.

I settled myself into the shadows at the rear of the room, happy to observe the interactions of this strange group that had assembled in our home. Vampires, werewolves and human teenagers. Could there be a more unlikely gathering? I didn't think so. But despite Alice's friendliness and impressive efforts at party planning, Esme's and Carlisle's gracious hosting, Emmett's and even Jasper's easy going acceptance and Rosalie's genuine attempt to make this work, it was Bella that was the glue that held this motley crew together. I was mesmerised by her - always - but never more so than while watching her in the flickering candlelight. Her skin seemed to glow, and her smile was genuine. She would move from wolf to human to vampire without missing a beat, including them all in her radiance, making them feel as if they belonged. My Bella, who used to be so shy and insecure, was literally the life of the party. Everyone was drawn to her and not just because it was her birthday but because she was truly happy. I would be eternally proud of her. She hadn't merely survived; she'd thrived.

Bella still had residual pain - it wouldn't go until she was changed. She'd learned to be more honest about it if she needed help, but she still tried to keep it to herself more often than not, not wanting to burden me with something that could not be fixed. But I knew the signs. The slight hitch in her breathing. The way she guarded her left side just a little more. The barely audible gasp as she struggled with her troublesome legs or damaged arm. There was no denying what had happened - he'd virtually crushed her. It was a miracle she was alive -- a testament to her strength and that stubborn streak I loved so much.

And something more - destiny perhaps? There was a time I'd have thought it absurd, but now I was open to the possibility. Everything about Bella seemed to lead her down this path to eventual immortality with me. Her strange relationship to blood. Her uncanny ability to attract all the wrong kind of attention from my kind. Her inexplicably quiet mind. Her unquestioning acceptance of all things that should not be. It was difficult to brush it all off. Bella was where she was meant to be. I only wished the journey to get here hadn't been so horrific.

It had certainly taken me a long time to realise it, but once I did, it seemed so obvious. Bella _was_ meant for this life, she was destined for it, like evolution had prepared her. Carlisle was certain she would have some kind of gift when she transformed. As the only human I'd ever encountered in all my years that could shield her mind from me, that had to mean something. The fact that she did it unknowingly only added more weight to the theory that she would be special, though I always knew that about her.

No, Bella was meant to be one of us. I couldn't deny that anymore, and it excited me. I was just relieved she'd decided to give herself more time to explore her humanity before the change. She needed to live more, and I needed time to prepare. The longer we had before it happened, the better. I'd have more confidence in her decision and in my own ability to perform the act safely. I'd already spoken to Carlisle about alternatives to actually biting her. My will power was strong, but I couldn't deny my baser instincts, so it didn't hurt to take precautions. Thankfully, it wasn't something I had to dwell on imminently. We had our final year of high school to complete, and then it was off to Dartmouth, which I was eagerly anticipating. . .

We had started our senior year of school a couple of weeks earlier without any fanfare. No longer the centre of attention, we settled into our routines quickly, almost mechanically. There was a newcomer to the school, his family having moved to Forks over the summer, and that sufficiently took the focus off Bella and me, giving the hungry gossipmongers something else entirely to focus on, which was a relief. Bella was making more of an effort to interact with Angela and Mike and some of the others, knowing she'd never see them again after this year. I knew she mostly did it for my benefit, knowing of my eagerness for her to embrace her humanity while she still could. One of us always escorted her during her human visits, though, whether we were seen or unseen being the only variable. We were never complacent about Jacob. It just wasn't worth the risk.

Something drew me from my reverie, and I looked up to find her beaming smile bearing down upon me from across the room. I may not be able to hear her mind, but I could sense her every move, and somehow, she had a way of gaining my attention without uttering a single word. I smiled back, genuinely happy that she was able to celebrate this milestone among friends and family. It would never be the same without Charlie and Renee to share in her joy, but it seemed enough to know she was loved. And that, she most definitely was.

As the evening progressed, Sam and I had our "Mario Kart" challenge. We played two games, each winning one. Of course, I could have defeated him because of my advantage, but I thought better of it, deciding to err on the side of diplomacy. Somehow, Carlisle and Billy ended up playing Wii golf, both laughing like school boys when either of them got caught in a sand trap. Carlisle was also choosing diplomacy over outright victory, but he was having a wonderful time nonetheless. It was actually a little surprising to realise we were all enjoying ourselves. Esme was the perfect hostess, flitting about refilling the humans' glasses and carrying around plates of canapes to tempt them. She was in her element. Even Rosalie eventually got into the swing of things, moving between the games with Emmett to helping Esme, to attempting to engage in the "girl talk" going on between Alice, Jessica, Angela and Bella. The video games were, not surprisingly, a big hit. Emmett had appointed himself master of ceremonies, adjudicating on all challenges and doing his best to play as often as possible. Even Jasper was quite relaxed and seemed to be appreciating the jovial mood, his control remarkably solid. No doubt, Seth's naturally buoyant disposition was contributing to the overall spirit, and Jasper was soaking up his positive emotions like a sponge.

All too soon, Alice interrupted everyone to announce it was time to sing Happy Birthday and cut the cake. I heard Bella's near silent groan of dread. Only Billy and the kids from school missed it. Esme quickly lit the candles on the cake, and everyone started singing. Even in the dappled candlelight her blush was delightful. She reached out for me, and I obliged, intertwining our fingers and feeling the flush in the warmth of her skin and the racing of her pulse. At the end of the singing and cheers, her heartfelt thanks were not diminished by her brevity. We all knew what was missing, and it was obvious what the night had meant to her.

Esme carried the cake into the kitchen to begin cutting it into pieces to hand out. Bella accompanied her, determined to be "useful" at least once during the evening by distributing the cake to her friends. As she came through the kitchen door, a plate balanced precariously in either hand, I was instantly struck with multiple visions of varying degrees of catastrophe. I whipped my head towards Alice, and she whimpered helplessly, showing me scene after scene of mass hysteria and irreconcilable damage if I were to intervene. So, I watched on helplessly, held firmly in place by Jasper who didn't know the specifics but sensed enough to know that I needed to be held back as the drama unfolded.

It seemed as it if happened in slow motion, and I felt utterly helpless as I saw Seth's sudden decision to assist Bella, grasping her on the shoulder to get her attention but instead startling her and knocking her off balance. Cake flew through the air and plates crashed to the ground as Bella's body repelled from him, her feet actually airborne as she slammed backwards into the floor, the thud of her head bouncing against the floor boards sickening me while her arm slammed into the scrollwork of the cast iron legs of the gift table, ripping her flesh easily, then slamming into the ground, the crack of bone imperceptible to all but the supernatural. The aroma was instantly overwhelming and permeated the space already thick with the scent of human. I swallowed down hard at the venom pooling in my mouth, the unexpected craving surprising and horrifying me. But it was Jasper whose control was most tenuous. Suddenly it was me holding him in place, the building rumble in his chest not making it out of his mouth before Emmett and Rosalie had discreetly escorted him outside for some "fresh air". I remained frozen in place, stunned by my weakness and what had almost happened, but thankfully aware enough to instantly halt my breathing as I garnered my strength.

Alice silently moaned at her failure to see what was coming, knowing that not only did the wolves blind her sight entirely, but Seth's decision was so spontaneous, the disastrous results could not have been foreseen. Yet her guilt remained. I wanted to console her, but Bella's need urged me forward, quenching my thirst. I was crouched over her in an instant, probably reaching her a little too fast for human eyes, but it was lost in the confusion. She instinctively grabbed her arm, groaning at the realisation that she was bleeding - it always made her sick. Her breath quickened as did her heart rate, and she winced softly, trying to disguise the extent of her pain. But I could tell. I could always tell. She looked up at me then, her eyes wide and knowing, and I quickly averted my gaze, ashamed at the realisation that she'd recognised that monstrous desire within me.

Carlisle reached her a moment later, gathering her up in a fatherly embrace and carrying her into the kitchen out of sight of prying eyes and lustful creatures, though nothing could diminish the smell. I wanted to be angry with him for pushing me aside, but the truth was that I wasn't prepared, and when presented with Bella's sweet, free flowing blood, it called to me just as strongly as the first day I had encountered her. He must have sensed my unease, because he had spirited her away before I could even react to his movement. So I was left crouching on the ground, a pool of Bella's blood at my feet, taunting me, and enticing me and tempting me like I'd never been tempted before. For the first time since I'd met her, my mind was running away from me, considering heinous possibilities that even as blood crazed as I was, I knew I would never act on. But, however fleeting, the thoughts were there, and I was disgusted in myself. I should have known. . .

Alice shook me to my senses, reminding me that we were not alone. It was neither the time nor the place to lose myself to remorse. There would be time for that later. Esme burst through the kitchen door bringing with her a heady waft of fresh blood, and I once again thought I might succumb to the overwhelming want and need to devour. I realised then that Sam had taken up guard duty by Carlisle's side, ready to pounce at the first sign of weakness that we all knew Carlisle would never succumb to. Seth was standing sentry at the kitchen door, both of them fulfilling their protector duties with fervour. He was guilt ridden, but he wasn't to know how sensitive Bella was to unexpected touches or how the slightest distraction could result in catastrophe. It wasn't his fault, and at least he didn't consider consuming her.

Billy was appraising me guardedly, fully aware of the struggle I was enduring but satisfied and impressed nonetheless at all our apparent strength of will. He'd panicked at first, of course, but once he saw the whole situation play out, he was surprised and relieved. I was astonished by his calm, and I wished I could share in it.

Within moments, the delectable bouquet was tainted by the sting of bleach as Esme furiously scrubbed the precious fluid away. Rather than returning to the kitchen, she quickly exited through the front door and made her way to the side of the house, out of sight, where she burned the blighted linens and cleaning paraphernalia. She revelled in the fresh night air, for even she had been momentarily tempted, and she'd been castigating herself ever since.

The school children were speechless, watching with fascination at the precision with which the entire scene was removed from their sight. There was now no trace of what had occurred, Esme's clinical steralisation of the scene swift and efficient and Carlisle's medical intervention almost a blur in their minds. Sensing the confusion and mounting suspicion, Billy decided to divert attentions back to the party.

"Not to worry everyone. We all know what Bella's like. There was no way she was gonna make it through the whole night without a mishap of some kind. Go back to what you were doing, and I'm sure Carlisle will have her back out here in no time," he said casually but still authoritatively.

After suggesting I go outside to see how Jasper was doing, Alice took Billy's lead and turned up the music, dancing over to the flat screens and challenging everyone to play "Rock Band."

With murmurs of, "I hope she's okay," "here we go again" and "why did they drag Jasper outside so quickly?", they eventually complied and joined Alice at the games. She quickly relinquished her controller, casually commenting on how she'd better check on Jasper seeing as blood made him so queazy.

I knew what happened had affected her deeply, too, but I was amazed by her handling of the situation. With Billy's help, she managed to distract the humans enough to cause them to dispel any lingering doubts, while I was still struggling with the monster within who had made a shockingly unexpected reemergence. I felt detestable, still recalling with perfect clarity every second of her fall. The way her arms flew upward in fright, her feet slipping from under as she was propelled backwards onto the floor. The way her hair flew all around, obscuring her view and wafting the strawberry scent of her shampoo about her before it was thoroughly obliterated by the smell of her blood. It was intoxicating, but how could I have been so tempted? How could I have even considered it? And Bella knew it, too. I could see it in her eyes. She gaped at me in shock, seeing me for what I was. She'd seen the worst of me.

I removed myself from the house, lurking outside the kitchen window but hidden from Bella by the darkness of night. Sam and Carlisle knew I was there, of course, and Sam stared out the window looking right at me. His face was impassive, no hint of the former joviality, and his thoughts were remarkably quiet. He'd managed to gain a considerable amount of control over his inner dialogue since we'd first met, something he was quite proud of. I could only imagine what he was really thinking, but I ignored his relentless stares and focused back on Bella. She was apologising for causing such a fuss. Of course, she'd think it was her fault.

"Carlisle, I'm fine. Just stitch me up so I can get back out there and try to salvage what's left of the night, please! I don't want to make this any worse."

"Bella, this was not your fault, and it's a little more than just stitches. You've got quite a bump on the back of your head, but I can't feel any fractures, thankfully. You're going to have a headache, though, and you fractured your ulna. I need to set it. " Carlisle said seriously.

"I know Carlisle, believe me, I know. I can feel it. But it can wait. I've got a hard head, and this arm hasn't been much use since. . . ages, so it's not a big deal. I'm more upset about ruining my favourite shirt. Edward loved this shirt. _Shit!_ Oh, sorry, I'm just. . ."

"I understand. It was all quite unexpected. Are you sure you're all right, and I'm not just talking about your injuries?"

She hissed quietly when he administered the local anaesthetic, turning her head away from him and frowning as he began to sew. "I'm fine. Really. I'm just upset for everyone else, especially Jasper and Edward. You _know_ they'll both be blaming themselves. Oh, and let's not forget Alice. She'll be punishing herself for not seeing it happen and somehow preventing it. As if she could prevent my terminal klutziness. No, there's definitely no shortage of blame takers in this family, and I don't know how I'm going to convince them all it was just a stupid accident. Nothing that bad happened. Emmett and Rose were there to help Jasper through his - issues - and Edward wouldn't have hurt me. It only took him a second to get over the shock. It's not their fault. They were just caught off guard, that's all," she said earnestly. She knew other ears were listening in. This wasn't a speech for Carlisle.

"You're very understanding, but I'm not sure they're going to see it that way," Carlisle replied sombrely.

"I know, but I'm not going to let this go. We've all come too far to let stupid stuff like this bring us down. It was an accident. Bella Swan has yet another accident. Big deal."

"Bella, have you not considered the dangers of living with vampires when you are so prone to accidents?" Sam proposed, speaking for the first time since the incident and finally averting his gaze from me.

"Sam, I understand you're worried, but you can see quite clearly for yourself that there was never any real danger. Sure, Jasper struggles a bit, but there's always others here to help him with that, and it's not like I make it a habit of slicing my arm open. And Carlisle is perfectly fine around blood, _obviously_. Edward would never hurt me. He's proven that. He was shocked, but he was in control immediately. And you saw Rose, Emmett, Alice and Esme handle the whole situation. Honestly, Sam, if there were any real danger, do you think I'd be living here? Seriously, I'd be in just as much danger living anywhere else. I can fall down and hurt myself anywhere, but at least here I have a doctor on hand to help me," she reasoned.

Sam pondered her response for a moment. "I must admit, your living companions do show great restraint. It's just difficult for us, Bella, to see you here, knowing anything could happen at any time," Sam argued, though his heart wasn't in it. He was fulfilling his duty as pack alpha by warning her, but he knew she'd never change her mind. This had already been settled, and Bella had willingly taken on the risk. That fact alone seemed to seal the deal for him. Unless Billy raised strong objections, he was willing to let it go, and for a brief moment, I wished he weren't so accommodating. My confidence in my ability to protect Bella from myself and my family had taken quite a hit.

"Sam, I appreciate your concern, but I know I don't have to remind you that the biggest danger to me nowadays doesn't come from vampires," Bella retorted.

Sam actually winced, the control over his thoughts slipping to reveal pain and guilt at his continued inability to resolve the Jacob situation. No, he didn't need the reminder, and if he'd thought to comment any further on the matter, Bella's words effectively ended the discussion, preventing him any further recourse.

"Bella, I really do need to reset this arm. Your stitches are all taken care of. It was a deep gash, it must be causing you quite a bit of discomfort. I'll give you some Tylenol for the pain but nothing stronger tonight. You don't have a concussion, but it's probably best to stick to protocol, especially considering your history. You'll need to be woken every couple of hours I'm afraid. You're not feeling sick or dizzy are you?" Carlisle was troubled by the turn of events, mostly concerned about how Jasper and I were going to react and how that was going to affect the family dynamic that had finally become so harmonious. _Just when everything was going so well. She doesn't deserve this. Edward, I know you won't believe it, but you are not at fault here. No one is. Bella's right, it was just an unfortunate accident, and all things considered, it could have been _much_ worse_.

I didn't acknowledge him. I couldn't. Accident or not, my reaction was inexcusable. Carlisle was the only member of the family with a truly clear conscience, but he still suffered with the rest of us.

"Carlisle, I know the drill, and apart from a monster headache, I'm fine. And honestly, the arm can wait. Just strap it up for me and let me get back out there before this whole thing gets blown even further out of proportion. Please, it's getting late, so the party will wrap up soon anyway. Let's not make this any more of a scene than it already is," she begged.

He looked at her with genuine affection as he considered her request. "It's very difficult to resist you when you beg, my girl. I know you must be in pain, but all right, let's do it your way," Carlisle conceded as he secured her forearm with a bandage.

"Edward, you can come in now. I know you're out there, and I'd like you to escort me back in to my birthday party," Bella demanded. She knew me better than I knew myself. It was important to her, so I did as she asked, but upon entering the kitchen, I couldn't make my eyes meet hers. The shame was overwhelming.

"You can knock that off right now. I'm not doing this with you, Edward. It wasn't your fault. You were surprised, and that's perfectly understandable. I'm fine. No harm done. End of story. Now please, help me get back out there without falling over my own feet, and let's reassure the humans that all is well at la casa Cullen."

She was right of course. If nothing else, we had our roles to play. Bella's school friends were in the next room, and the longer it took Bella to rejoin them, the more concerned and suspicious they would become. After all, it was a simple accident, or so they thought. But, I knew better, better than Bella, even. She was _not_ fine, and there most definitely _was_ harm done. The sleeve of her shirt was torn, and her arm was back in bandages complete with fresh stitches and a broken bone, and I could just make out the slight distortion to the back of her head under her hair where the blood was pooling to form a substantial bruise. There was nothing fine about that at all.

I slowly lifted my gaze to hers, and she was staring me down, barely even blinking, her face a picture of determination. I sighed in resignation and tried to smile, but I knew she wasn't buying it. She reached out to me with her good arm and drew me in to her side before marching determinedly towards the family room where the school children were now all gathered around the flat screens playing "Rock Band", oblivious to our entrance. Carlisle and Sam followed us in.

Jasper was back, standing in the far corner of the room, Emmett's hand casually around his shoulder in a friendly brotherly gesture that masked the true grip he had on him. Alice's arm was wrapped tightly around his waist, and Rosalie was standing slightly in front of him. It was an unnecessary precaution at his request. I knew he was under control now. The scent of blood still lingered in the air, but the bleach had effectively removed the potency, and I knew he was no longer a danger, but he didn't. His confidence was shaken, and his guilt and anxiety was beginning to infest the room. Bella's reappearance and her fresh wound only heightening his unease. His tumultuous emotions were starting to make everyone uneasy. Mike Newton was becoming increasingly agitated and messing up his guitar moves. Eric and Tyler had dropped their controllers and had started play fighting, only it was fast becoming less play and more real. Even the ever pleasant Angela seemed irritated, throwing down her drum sticks in a loud, pouty huff. When Seth yelped like a wounded puppy and Sam Uley actually growled at him, Billy raised a questioning eyebrow to Carlisle who looked on somewhat helplessly.

Alice took matters into her own hands, leading Jasper up the stairs and to their room quickly and quietly. The atmosphere was still tense, but Jasper's departure had an immediate effect, and soon everyone started settling down. Emmett immediately became his boisterous self, busting up Eric and Tyler and challenging them to a game of "Gears of War 2". The humans then noticed Bella and me and started milling around us. Bella ducked her head and nestled into my side, as if she were trying to hide from the attention, but it was to no avail. They were all intensely curious and eyeing her new bandages keenly. She mumbled about her clumsiness, making light of the situation, and this was all the explanation they needed. Bella's coordination issues were legendary, and their wholehearted agreement with her was a little less comforting than any of us had been expecting.

"Geez, Bella, I think we should just start calling you Klutzella. I've never known anyone who fell down and hurt themselves so much," Jessica whined rather unkindly, and no one disagreed with her. Her thoughts then drifted to past theories about attention seeking.

"I really wish you would be more careful, Bella," Angela chimed in, trying to soften the blow. "We really don't want you to get hurt anymore."

"Um, yeah, thanks. I'll try harder," Bella answered, her smile faltering.

We wanted them to believe the lie, and they did. But it still hurt Bella. They didn't know that her injuries from Phoenix weren't of her own doing. They didn't know that she'd only fallen into the table because Seth had startled her, her nervous disposition a direct result of the events in Phoenix. It wasn't fair, but since when had life been fair to Bella.

I felt my lips strain into a hard line, my fury rising at the injustice of it all. The effect didn't go unnoticed as Jessica cowered into Mike's embrace, Angela none too subtly taking a step backwards. Emmett jumped onto the couch, starting up a game that I didn't pay attention to, prompting the boys to join him, while Rosalie turned up the music and launched into a conversation with Jessica and Angela about the merits of blue based versus yellow based red lipsticks. I'm not sure if the human girls were more surprised at that or if we were, but I appreciated both her and Emmett's efforts to take the attention off my sour disposition.

_Edward, I know you're upset, but please try not to scare the humans_, Esme gently chided me from across the room, her eyes full of compassion. Bella rubbed my back soothingly, trying to calm me down.

"It doesn't matter, Edward. So they think I'm a hopeless, attention seeking klutz. Who cares?" Bella said far more nonchalantly than I knew she really felt. Of course, she'd pick up on the not so gracious element to Jessica's remark.

"You, do," I replied tersely, though I wasn't angry with her. In fact, I really wasn't angry with anyone but myself. The humans were ignorant. They simply knew no better. At least Billy, Sam and Seth were more sympathetic to Bella's reaction, though even they didn't know the complete reason behind it. But the whole thing had only served to remind me how much of a negative impact I'd had on Bella's life. None of this was her fault, and I hated that her friends had such an inaccurate perception of her. Sure, she was clumsy. She was the least coordinated human I'd ever encountered, but she hadn't done any of this to herself. She didn't deserve their derisive comments and pitiful looks, even if at heart they were well intentioned, for the most part.

"I _am_ a walking disaster. Everything they think happened _could_ have happened," Bella defended weakly.

"But it didn't. You deserve better than this," I hissed, my anger threatening to overtake me.

She sighed in resignation, her sadness evident, and I suddenly realised that these children weren't really her friends at all. How could they be? True friendship required honesty, trust and acceptance, and it was something she could never have with them. I'd been encouraging her to embrace her humanity while she could, yet forcing her into relationships with these naive adolescents was pure pantomime. It made me realise the absolute inevitability that she was fated to be one of my kind. She simply didn't fit in with these children. I don't think she ever had. But as sure as I was about her becoming one of us, after tonight's events, I felt less worthy and more selfish than ever. It was such an impossible dichotomy, and I immediately became even more annoyed that I'd let myself come full circle back to this dismal mindset once again. Bella would not be pleased.

I was spiralling downward into darkness again, and I didn't know how to stop it. What was I to do? I'd been through this before. I'd vacillated between thoughts of leaving her for her own good and never leaving her side more times than I cared to admit, but I'd always come to the same conclusion. I'd never leave her. But the fact that the monster within me could so easily fight its way back out was alarming to say the least. I'd come to believe that my control was unbreakable, and realising how wrong I was about that hit me with a force I was completely unprepared for. I'd been existing in a recklessly complacent vacuum, and it filled me with chagrin. I was growing surlier by the minute. I couldn't settle my unease.

But this was not what I'd intended this night to be for Bella. It was not how she should remember her 18th birthday. So I summoned my inner thespian and put on a performance. It was enough to satisfy humans and even the wolves to an extent, but Bella didn't buy it for a minute, and neither did the rest of the family, who I noticed were all fighting their own inner battles about what had transpired. Their guilty consciences were only adding to my own conflicted state, and Jasper's remorse was like a wet blanket that had been cast over all of us. The total effect was suffocating.

The party progressed and the guests all seemed to enjoy themselves in spite of what had happened, completely oblivious to the torrent of emotional upset coursing through their hosts. For them, the supposed minor mishap from earlier was all but forgotten. Presents were opened, and Bella, though embarrassed, said and did all the right things, all the while throwing me furtive glances. Somehow, I knew we were in for a long night. As everyone bid their farewells, Billy lingered, absently twisting his can of beer in his hands, the condensation smearing and dampening them. He took a large swig, then set the can between his legs so he could wipe his hands dry on his jeans. He was mentally preparing himself for the discussion he wanted to have with Bella, but he was carefully guarding his mind. I could guess the direction the conversation would take, though, and it was nothing that hadn't already occurred to me, but Bella beat him to it.

"Before you say anything, Billy, just know that it's the first accident I've had since I've been here. They save me from myself every day, and if the other humans hadn't been here, I'd have never even hit the ground."

Billy's expression didn't change, his face a neutral, composed mask that I couldn't read. It wasn't what I was expecting, and it clearly wasn't what Bella expected either as she seemed somewhat flustered. Billy then smirked and took another swig of his beer, letting her continue.

Bella's lips pursed, her eyes a mixture of annoyance and concern as she drew in a shaky breath. "Jasper's reaction was normal, but he controlled himself, and he had his whole family helping him. And, you saw how everyone else handled it," she explained, giving me a pointed look. "I'm safe here, Billy, I trust them, and you do, too, otherwise you wouldn't still be here looking all casual and sucking on that beer."

With that, Billy's smirk turned into a full, hearty laugh, dropping his guard and revealing thoughts that were _happy - _content even! I was stunned. Sam had somehow been easily convinced, but I'd been expecting Billy to launch an all out assault, the near-miss from earlier the perfect catalyst from which to make his case against Bella's unconventional lifestyle choice. It was just the opposite.

"Bella, I may be getting on in years, but I'm not blind, least not yet. I can see you're in good hands here. I gotta admit, it surprises the hell out of me. You were bleeding pretty good there, young lady. I knew Carlisle would be able to handle it, but it seems everyone in this cov - um, family, have pretty good restraint," he chuckled in amazement.

"Wait. What? You're not upset? You're not going to demand I move out? You saw Jasper, right? And, you're okay with this?" Bella stammered, incredulous.

"Bella, of course, I'd prefer it if you didn't live with a bunch of blood, err, vampires. But as vampires go, you coulda chosen worse, and I've known for some time now that your mind is set. You're as mule stubborn as your father was, so I know it's no use trying to change your mind. And honestly, I've seen plenty of our young wolves have more problems with control than Jasper, and he had his family to back him up. No, Bella, I think you're about as safe as you're gonna get, given you seem to attract trouble easier than most folks breathe. I'd say that balances things up enough. I don't like to think of you out on your own, and I couldn't say you'd be any safer on the reservation given the circumstances. You surely wouldn't be happier than you are here. That much is plain," he finished seriously. It was obvious which young wolf with control issues in particular he was referring to, and suddenly his face looked pained and drawn.

"You know, you've changed, Bella. You've got a spark about you now. Haven't seen that in a while. I'm not gonna be the one to spoil that. And, Charlie, well I reckon he'd be proud of you, to come through all that you've been through with so much spunk."

Billy's thoughts were turning very sentimental, his genuine fatherly feelings for Bella making him a little misty eyed. If only he knew just what Bella had overcome to get to this point, he'd have been even more affected. She amazed me every day with her strength. But, Billy's genuine acceptance of Bella's choice to be with me, with us, was equally amazing. I couldn't help but consider the irony that had Jacob not become such a threat to both our families, our relationship would never have been so cordial. Bella's relationship with Billy had strengthened the truce, but Jacob turning rogue had turned the truce into an alliance.

Bella was overcome -- the way her lip quivered betraying how close she was to crying -- but she swallowed hard and reached down to give Billy a one armed embrace.

"I hope so, Billy. I know they'd want me to be happy. Thanks for being here; it almost feels like a part of Charlie is here with me when you're around. Thanks to you, too, Sam and Seth. I'm so glad you came," she said sincerely.

"It's no problem, Bells, I had fun. I'm just so sorry, about earlier. I shouldn't have surprised you like that. I really am sorry," Seth said, hanging his head in shame.

"Don't be ridiculous, Seth. It was more my fault than anybody's. You were just trying to help me. I can't be mad at you for that," Bella admonished kindly.

"Thanks, Bells." Seth was decidedly happier, his thoughts completely relieved that Bella had forgiven him so easily. He was such an honest soul and very similar to Emmett in some ways, although far less annoying. He said what he meant and he meant what he said. It was impossible to not like him. I had to admit, it was good seeing him again, even if he was the one that set off the chain of events that led to my sullen mood. I couldn't blame him, though.

The moment the Quileutes had left, Alice and Jasper rejoined us in the family room. The air was thick with tension, everyone averting each other's gazes, thoughts of shame and disappointment and worry bombarding me. Jasper was still guilt ridden at what he might have done and how much he had wanted to do it. Only Alice looked somewhat content, obviously privy to whatever decisions had been made that would somehow lead to a satisfactory conclusion to the evening, but she wasn't letting me in. She wasn't, however, hiding her own feelings of remorse for not seeing the accident coming. With Seth's involvement, she knew it wasn't a simple oversight but rather a complete absence of vision altogether, but she felt the guilt just the same.

A few uncomfortable moments passed, no words being outwardly spoken, but my mask was off, and I allowed the full weight of my own upset to overtake me. I felt utterly defeated, and I realised that it wasn't a feeling that I had missed.

Though I wasn't looking her in the eye, my gaze was always upon her, and I noticed her fists begin to clench and unclench, then clench again so hard that her knuckles turned white, and she winced with the obvious pain this caused her newly injured arm. With an angry huff, she stood and walked to the centre of the room and waited until she had our full attention. This was so unlike Bella, and I could see the slight tremor to her body and the burn on her cheeks that had nothing at all to do with embarrassment. She was furious. I was certain I'd never seen her quite this angry.

"RIGHT!" she shouted. "Let's just get this done with, shall we? I am _NOT _going back to that place, people. I am _NOT_ going to let this family slide down that slippery slope into depression and despair and all that damn drama. We've been there and done that. We've moved past this. It was an accident. A fucking _accident_. I'm fine. We're all fine. What's one more broken bone in the scheme of things? This arm was fucking useless anyway, and I've had worse. You _know_ I've had worse. If Seth hadn't startled me, none of this would have happened. If the kids from school weren't here, you'd have all probably had a ridiculous "Three Stooges" type collision in your rush to catch me before I hit the ground. If I weren't so damned jumpy and clumsy in the first place, I wouldn't have even fallen. It was an accident for God's sake," she concluded, totally frustrated.

"I felt your fear, Bella, don't try to deny it. I'm so sorry," Jasper said softly, his head still hung in shame, and the waves of guilt and sorrow coming off him made me groan. We were feeding off each other and creating a tempest of self-condemnation so enormous that it would soon swallow us whole, taking everyone else down with us.

"I won't deny it. For a moment I felt vulnerable, and it reminded me. . . of another time, but then I remembered I was with my family, and the fear went away. Don't try to deny _that_, Jasper. I _know_ you don't want to hurt me, so don't you dare fucking apologise to me for something that comes completely naturally to you. This is _what_ you are - it's your nature to desire my blood, _all_ of you, especially _you_, Edward. But you fight it every single day because it's not _who_ you are. I live in your house, stinking up the place with my freaky delicious scent, and you tolerate it and embrace it every fucking day. And, you do that for me, because you love me. So, don't try to deny _that _either!," she spat, drawing in a deep breath, definitely not finished with her rant.

"And let's not forget that soon enough you'll all have to be controlling _me_ and stop _me_ from killing my own friends. But that's what family is for--we help each other--we support each other. When one of us is weak, the rest of us come together to give strength. Or does that only apply to me? Am I not really one of the family, then? One rule for me and another for the rest of you? Geez, thanks very much. And here I was thinking that we were all equals, apart from the obvious, of course.

She took a series of steadying breaths, staring at each of us in turn, the colour in her cheeks dulling infinitesimally as she worked to calm herself down. But her eyes were still wild, and her stance was rigid. Her injured arm was held tight against her waist, and her other hand was still clenched. It looked painful.

"This, what happened tonight, was nothing. Nothing! You're all so focused on that split second that you desired my blood, instead of the minutes and hours and days and months that you resist it. Pessimistic much! So you get all morbid and worried and start distancing yourselves from me, and it kills me. I swear to God, it tears me apart to have my own family afraid to be around me. I don't care if you've got my best interests at heart, because it breaks my fucking heart. I've lost enough, I will not lose this, _us_, too. I _need_ you, dammit," she screamed, tears threatening to spill but never making it as she wiped at her eyes furiously. Jasper actually winced, absorbing all her emotion and adding it to his own as penance.

"And the guilt. The damn guilt! It's too much. Now that's something you _can_ be sorry for, Jasper. I can't stand feeling all this damn guilt. It's coming off all of you in waves, and it's fucking suffocating. You can't make me afraid of you. I get that you can hurt me really easily, but I know you don't want to, and that makes all the difference in the world. None of you did anything wrong, and I want everything to go back to normal. That's what I want for my birthday. I want us to all be normal again," she pleaded, and I could see her defences starting to break down. Her shoulders were slightly hunched, and her eyes looked glassy as if she were tearing up again. She looked crushed, but as if she could read my mind, she pushed her shoulders back and lifted up her chin in an air of defiance. She wasn't done.

"Now, all the emotional crap aside, I understand the practicalities of the situation. If this wound is a little too, ah, pungent at the moment, then say the word, and I'll go stay at a hotel for a few days. So think about that because I'll be damned if I'm going to drive everybody out of their own home just on my account. But right now, Carlisle and I are going upstairs so he can set my arm. I think I'd like a black cast this time, Carlisle, it'll suit my mood. Everyone else besides Edward, do what you've gotta do. Go frolic in the woods, go eat nature, whatever, and let me know in the morning if you need me to disappear for a few days until this cut heals up. But, Edward, if you're not at least half naked and waiting for me in our bed by the time I'm done, I swear to God. . . Oh, shit, I said that part out loud didn't I?" She scanned the room, her blush deepening as she took in the smirks, grins and open mouths, zeroing in on Emmett who was almost bouncing with the need to say something dirty. She narrowed her eyes at him and quirked an eyebrow, daring him to go back on his word.

He groaned out loud in disappointment. "Damn it, Bella. It would have been really good," he complained, but it didn't stop the thoughts running through his mind. I growled in frustration, and he grinned widely, satisfied that he'd managed to bypass his embargo to some degree.

"Emmett!" Bella scolded.

"Bella, I can't help my thoughts. I mean, I try, but. . ." Emmett trailed off, not sounding the least bit sincere.

"Try harder," she chided, and something in her tone made Emmett look down in shame, while Rosalie elbowed him in his side, hard.

By this point, the glum atmosphere had considerably lessened. I wasn't quite sure how she did it, but she'd managed to give us a sense of perspective that we'd all been lacking to varying degrees. In our haste to embrace our blame, we'd abandoned Bella, leaving her totally void of our love and support - the one thing she needed most. At that realisation, our guilt immediately shifted from what we _might_ have done to what we _had_ done, and we were all more than a little abashed. Carlisle, Esme and Alice embraced her lovingly, peppering her with apologies whilst Emmett ruffled her hair playfully, and Rosalie looked on with deep satisfaction. Jasper and I stayed back, still wary and letting Bella's words sink in while we tried to push away the unwelcome realities of the evening.

I still felt abhorrent by my momentary loss of control. That would take me some time to come to terms with, but I was already beginning to come to the conclusion that it was probably a well timed wake up call. A reminder to be vigilant because we, too, could be a danger to Bella, regardless of our good intentions. I think this must be what occurred to Billy as well and was why he could take such an enlightened outlook on Bella's decisions. Good intentions were in abundance, but tragedy could strike anywhere at any time. I'd certainly become complacent, and that made me just as responsible as the Quileutes had been in the way they handled the Jacob situation. I'd accused them of negligence, but I had succumbed to the same arrogance where Bella was concerned. I thought I was infallible. I clearly was not.

But, Bella's rebuke did remind me that this wasn't just about me and what I was feeling. I'd probably always have some doubts about what we were doing - what I was going to do to her. But this had long been resolved, and I'd made a commitment to her. And as conflicted as I'd begun to feel again, I couldn't shake the belief that fate had its part to play. Everything about Bella seemed to lead her to me and to this life. I wouldn't break her heart to indulge some innate need I had to suffer for my sins. Her happiness meant everything to me, and I'd be damned if I'd sacrifice that when she'd worked so hard to achieve it. And was it really so wrong for me to desire happiness for myself, too? After feeling so sure earlier in the evening, I'd started to doubt myself again, but it was clear that Bella wasn't going to let me get away with that.

I could feel the shift in emotions as Jasper worked to unburden himself of his guilt, the level of which I was surprised to realise had almost surpassed my own. But with Jasper's slowly improving mood, everyone's spirits began to rise, and the pall that had cloaked us all was finally thrown off. As Jasper cycled through acceptance of what happened, resignation that it couldn't be changed, relief that nothing more serious occurred, embarrassment at his loss of control, pride at Bella's maturity and moxie and finally, humour at her fearlessly cursing at vampires, so did we all.

Carlisle and Esme were beaming and full of pride. No one hated discord within the family more than Esme, so even Bella's unconventional methods of bringing us back together were welcomed by her.

_She's really one of us,_ she thought joyfully. _She's fighting for us. Oh, it's wonderful. I'm so happy that she finally feels comfortable enough to _yell_ at us. Although, I think Emmett has had a bad influence on her. She does have quite the potty mouth when she gets upset. I may need to have a little word with her, _she chuckled to herself.

Carlisle helped Bella up the stairs to where he could reset her arm, still laughing to himself about how this wisp of a human girl could so thoroughly put us all in our place, while the rest of us stood around staring at each other, still a little shell shocked.

"Well, she sure is a spitfire," Jasper said drolly, breaking the silence. "I think you better do what she says, Edward. Carlisle won't take long."

Emmett was bursting with need to add his own special brand of witty retort, his face contorted into a grimace as he sang _The Star Spangled Banner_ in his mind, badly, and even I had to laugh at that. Before he lost his concentration, I ran to our room, shedding all but my boxer briefs as I waited for her in bed. I couldn't forget what I'd almost done tonight, but I could try to move past it for Bella's sake. I owed her that much and more.

I could hear Alice as she sang in delight. "I guess I wasn't wrong about the party going well after all - it certainly was memorable. Come on, everyone, I think we should go hunting." _I thought you might like some privacy, Edward,_ she thought to me kindly.

I didn't have much time to wait before Bella arrived, her arm freshly bandaged and plastered - black plaster, I noted. She cocked her head and smiled, taking in my naked torso. I smiled back, but I mustn't have been as convincing as I'd hoped, because her own smile faltered. She silently gathered her nightwear and entered the bathroom, brushing her teeth and then huffing and cursing quietly before eventually calling for my help. I was by her side in an instant, my worry turning to amusement when I realised that she was entangled in her blouse, her good arm pinned behind her in the sleeve. She was actually scowling, and I believe she growled at me when she saw my first genuine smile in the last two hours. Swallowing down my laughter, I ripped her shirt off - it was torn anyway - and ever so slowly removed her lacy black bra - thank you, Alice - and eased her sleep tank on, manoeuvring around the cast. Then I helped her out of her skirt and into her sleep shorts. My deliberate lack of speed earned me another scowl, so I helped her into bed and kept my hands to myself. She had to have a headache anyway, and her arm must be hurting her. Thinking of her injures made _me_ scowl, and I couldn't believe how quickly I'd managed to move on from desiring her blood to desiring her body even though she was hurting. My God, I was just as bad as Newton! This realisation only deepened my scowl. She noticed, then sighed in frustration as she sought to find a comfortable position for her newly bulky arm. This was not how this night should end.

"I'm sorry about your arm," I offered lamely.

"This arm was fucked anyway. Oops, sorry Edward. Honestly, it just slips out," she apologised.

"It's okay, Bella. It's actually kind of endearing. At least I always know exactly how you're feeling when you curse. So, I'm right in assuming you're really fucking pissed off right now?" I added, trying to lighten her mood by reciprocating her curse. It was time to focus on Bella's needs and not dwell in my own misery.

The beautiful smile returned. "No shit, Sherlock," she laughed. "You know, it's kind of _hot_ when _you_ curse." But her smile faded again, and she became serious. "It's all good, Edward. Things are going great. Let's not mess with that, please? I don't want to hear you apologise. I really don't. Nothing happened that shouldn't have happened. I love you, and I trust you. Tonight didn't change that."

She wasn't angry anymore, she was just sad, worried that the happiness we'd fought so hard for was already slipping out of her grasp, and I hated that I'd made her feel that way, tonight of all nights. So I pulled her into me tightly, aware of the faint burning at the back of my throat and welcoming it as a necessary reminder of her fragility. I'd never take it for granted again. She reached her hand into my hair and tugged at it in the way I knew meant she wanted me, so following her lead. I softly kissed up her neck and along her jaw, until I felt her shiver with delight. "It's all good, Bella, and I love you, too, but are you sure you're feeli--"

Her passionate kiss was all the confirmation I needed. I slipped my hands under her tank top, trailing a line of goose bumps across her stomach as I made my way further up. Soundproofing be damned. But even as I began to lose myself in her soft moans and my own feelings of rapture, I couldn't help the sense of foreboding that sat heavily in the pit of my stomach. I'd never been one for superstition, but after the unfortunate events of the night and Alice's cryptic feelings about Bella's remaining birthdays, my apprehension only deepened.

**A/N**

Dun dun dunnnnnn - Edward has a bad feeling....

I hope you enjoyed my take on Bella's birthday party. I'd love to hear your thoughts, so please leave me a review if you feel so inclined.

Thanks as always to TwilightZoner, beta extraordinaire!

_So, have you ever had a disastrous party? Do tell - what happened....... _


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer -****The characters were created by Stephenie Meyer. To the extent it does not infringe on Ms. Meyer's work, the remainder is my original work and I own the copyright.**

**Beta - TwilightZoner**

**CHAPTER 5 - INTRUDER**

_**Edward**_

The unfortunate events at Bella's birthday party were soon relegated to the vault of unpleasant memories to be stored away and ignored. Conveniently, only the highlights were called upon for discussion and remembrance. It's what she wanted, and ultimately, we were all happy to comply. Denial was always the path of least resistance. So, the family was essentially happy, and I couldn't recall a time when that had occurred with such wondrous synchronicity. I tried to quell the unease that had followed me around since "the party that shall not be mentioned," although I wasn't wholly successful. But I didn't let it upset the balance in our home. I'd learned to worry privately without being boorish and obvious about it.

Bella and Emmett had resumed her physical therapy, even though Bella protested vehemently. As she so eloquently put it, "This is as functional as this fucked up body is gonna get until Bella 2.0 is born, and you all know it."

Even Emmett couldn't argue with that, though he still insisted she keep up three weekly sessions. I knew it was just as much for his benefit as it was for hers. He loved being with her. She was the only one (besides Rose, who had far more tools at her disposal) that managed to handle him, _really_ handle him, and it was such a new experience for him that he revelled in it. I, however, had learned to busy myself elsewhere during those times whenever possible. I wasn't sure I'd ever get accustomed to their debauched banter, and I really wasn't sure who was worse. Certainly Bella loved to tease Emmett knowing he wouldn't break his promise, though he certainly became adept at exploiting the loopholes in their agreement. But the more frustrated he became at not being able to launch a direct assault on our sex life, the more risqué she became. Together they could be incorrigible.

I knew that Bella, though happy enough, had led a fairly repressed life before we met, doing for others far more than for herself. But her level of ease within the family was as perplexing as it was heartening. As much as I knew she and I just _fit_, so did Bella and the rest of the family. It was like the final piece of the puzzle finally making us whole. She was the sister and daughter they didn't know they needed, fulfilling something in each of them that they'd long forgotten they missed. I don't think Esme had ever been happier, finally satisfied that her family was complete.

Bella and Alice's relationship was strange and delightful. I'm sure that two blood related sisters could not have been closer, yet their faux animosity towards each other was the most prominent feature of their interactions. It was bewildering, yet they seemed to gain the most pleasure from each other when engaged in these fiercely ridiculous and insignificant battles. I suspected I would never understand the complexities of the female mind.

Their "wardrobe war," as it had come to be known, became a regular feature, today being no exception.

"I don't think I can wear this," Bella said. "Alice must be nuts."

"I heard that, Bella," Alice replied from her bathroom, shouting loudly enough for Bella to hear.

"Here we go again," Rosalie mumbled from her room, but I could hear the humour in her tone.

She wasn't wrong, though. It was an all too familiar exchange, each day starting out the same way. Bella would enter the bathroom to get washed up, only to come out to find a co-ordinated ensemble laid out for her on the bed. Bella would protest, and Alice would argue, then they'd eventually agree on something remarkably similar to the original outfit. It seemed they took turns winning these little arguments.

"It looks good to me. What's wrong with it?" I asked cautiously, never quite sure whether I was meant to weigh in. She did look incredibly sexy, though.

"It's a little tight, don't you think? And low cut. We're going to school, not a night club." She frowned, checking her bottom in the mirror and tugging the shirt as if it would miraculously grow in all the right places.

"Actually, I think it's very appealing." Her jeans looked painted on, and I fingered the deep v of her shirt, tickling her neck and peeking down the opening.

She slapped my hand away playfully. "Well, you would think so. You're a guy, after all."

Alice bowled through the door, not even bothering to knock. I was about to protest this fact when she waved her tiny palm in my face.

"Get over it, Edward, I knew you were both decent, and clearly Bella needs a reminder about what it is to be a senior in high school. The kids look up to the seniors, Bella. You've got to make a good impression - have the right look," Alice explained, her eyes all wide and encouraging like she was teaching a remedial class on the subject.

Bella rolled her eyes dramatically for effect. "It's Forks High School, Alice, not Beverly Hills 90210. I'm not trying to get laid; I'm trying to get an education. Edward, do you really want the other guys at school to start noticing me?"

I felt my breath whoosh out of my lungs, and I went slack jawed. I could hear Jasper and Emmett guffawing from downstairs. _ She did _not_ just say that!_

"Edward?"

"What? Oh, right. They've always noticed you, Bella, but, um, yes, I see your point. Perhaps something less provocative, Alice?" I begged.

I knew I should be used to it by now, but some of the things she said. . .

"Honestly, you'd think I was asking you to wear Barbarella's space bikini the way you carry on sometimes. Fine, we'll change the shirt, but the jeans are staying!" Alice argued, adamant.

"Fine! But if I faint from lack of circulation, it's gonna be your fault," Bella spat back.

They both stood firm, hands on hips and exchanging serious stink eyes before they both started giggling.

"I _so_ won that round," Alice chortled.

"Did not."

"Did, too."

"Did _not_."

"Did, _too_!"

"I ... I'll just meet you both in the car. You have five minutes before we have to leave," I mumbled, staggering out of the room and deciding that it would probably be best if I found ways to busy myself elsewhere during these exchanges, too.

:-:

Our senior year of high school was no different for me than any other year as far as the routine and monotony were concerned. It was still dull in the extreme, but Bella made it endurable. In fact, she almost made it pleasurable. Rather than feign interest during class, I spent my time focused on her. I still acted as our scribe. It was quicker that way, and I'd heard it all before - endless times in fact, so jotting down the information Bella would require for revision and homework was barely even a distraction. It certainly didn't hinder my observation of her, which was one of my favourite activities during our classes - she was still so fascinating to me. I loved the way she'd twist her mouth and draw her eyebrows together if the teacher said something she didn't understand. Or the way she'd get glassy eyed when she was so bored she could barely stand it. She'd frown at me if she caught me staring though, so I tried not to make it too obvious.

Sometimes I'd listen in on Alice's thoughts in her other classes. She found her own ways to deal with the boredom and missing Jasper, who was supposedly away at college with Emmett and Rosalie. She'd parody the teachers to perfection, or she'd sing random songs in her mind in chronological order by year. We were only a few weeks into the new semester, and she was already up to 1997. It was _not_ a very good year. MMMBop made me groan, but Barbie Girl was enough to make me want to set myself on fire. Even Alice's melodic voice couldn't rescue that disaster. Bella would smile knowingly when she saw me in pain, chuckling to herself about how grateful she was to not have mind reading abilities. When Alice wasn't singing, she moved on to critiquing our classmates' wardrobes as if she were commentating for Project Runway.

"Here we have Lauren Mallory, perfecting this season's latest look, 'small town skank.' And, Jessica Stanley, once again proving that 'low rise' jeans and 'muffin tops' do not a marriage make. Lay off the donuts, Jess. Really, a thong - with that ass? Really?"

I stifled my laugh, cringing as Jessica bent down to retrieve her pen from the floor, fleshy hips and leopard print thong making a dramatic appearance. I'd never wished so fervently that Alice could hear my thoughts as I silently begged her to avert her gaze. _Oh Lord, my eyes! _ There goes leopard off the menu.

The end of the day could not come soon enough, and we were cheerful in the car on the way home fighting over music choices on the iPod, but the moment I pulled up in front of the house, I could sense something was wrong. Alice was on alert, too, concentrating to see what she could _see_ and listening intently. The moment I opened the door, I could smell it. Vampire! The scent was everywhere, but it was the wrong scent. I couldn't identify it.

"Stay in the car," I ordered Bella. She looked frightened, her eyes wide with fear and confusion. "Please," I said more softly. She nodded but remained quiet. She knew this wasn't a joke.

"Alice, stay with Bella. I'm going to check the house."

_Whoever it was, I think they're gone, Edward. _ I nodded to her in acknowledgement. Yes, the scent was fresh but not that fresh - hours old at most.

I ran the perimeter of the house quickly just to make sure no one was lurking about, my senses on heightened alert. Racing inside, I followed the scent to where it was strongest, moving up the stairs until I reached our room - _Bella's_ room. Pushing open the door, I was overcome with the redolent sweetness of an unknown vampire. It was highly concentrated in this space - whoever it was had spent most of their time in here. They didn't even attempt to hide their presence. The wardrobe doors were open, our clothes spilling out onto the floor and around the bed. I wasn't even aware that I was growling until the pictures on the walls began to vibrate from the resonant frequency of my rage. I sucked in a deep breath, trying to quell the tumultuous emotions that were boiling and bubbling their way up within me. Someone had been in our home, amongst our things, Bella's things. This was unacceptable.

Attempting to calm myself, I backed out of the room, this time taking my time to follow the trail the intruder had taken. I needed more information. Room by room, I tested the air for the potency of the scent, determining in which areas the trespasser had lingered the longest. Each bedroom had been visited, wardrobes violated and clothes strewn about, but the rest of the house seemed to hold no interest, only a whiff evident as if he or she had merely passed through the space in their quest to locate -- what? Obviously our wardrobes. _Interesting._

Satisfied the intruder was long gone, I made my way back out to the car. Bella looked terrified and had hunched over as if she were trying to shrink into obscurity, and I felt a combination of profound sorrow and overwhelming anger as I watched her cower in fear. Alice was rubbing Bella's shoulder soothingly, but her mind was searching through images so fast that I couldn't keep up. Her usual carefree disposition was gone, replaced by suspicion and concern as she tried to force her gift to reveal some clues. She hadn't seen this coming, and she didn't like not knowing what was happening.

I carried Bella inside to no protests of independence - she wanted me close. We settled on the couch, Alice appearing a moment later with a warm, fleecy blanket which she moulded around Bella's body. It wasn't a particularly cold day, but Bella was shivering, her skin cold yet clammy, her pupils dilated. She was in shock.

_I didn't tell her anything, Edward. I thought it would be better coming from you, and I was trying to see something, anything, but. . ._

"Nothing, yet?" I asked. There were so many images flashing through her mind I wasn't certain what she might have picked up on.

"Sorry, no," she grimaced. I gave her an encouraging smile, though I knew she felt about as encouraged as I did. All we had were questions.

"Bella, it wasn't Jacob," I affirmed. I could only guess that's where her mind had gone to. Her breathy sigh of relief confirmed my suspicions, but her solace was fleeting as she considered what else could be the cause of our alarm.

I wouldn't even attempt to hide this from her. An unknown vampire had been in our home, and though it may have been an innocent curiosity from a passing nomad, neither Alice nor I felt confident that was the case. This could mean danger - very real danger, most likely for Bella, and she had a right to know.

"A vampire has been here. It's not someone we know, although until the others get home, I suppose I can't be certain about that." Her face scrunched up in confusion. "We need everyone to smell the scent to see if it's familiar," I explained.

She nodded in understanding. "What did he, or she, want?" she asked, her voice unsteady and weak.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "It seems he (let's just assume for now it was a he), spent his time in all our bedrooms going through our clothes, especially our room. He left quite a mess."

Bella's concern only increased at this admission. Her breathing became shallow and rapid as she processed the information.

"Our clothes?" she asked, incredulous. "He _touched_ our clothes?" The very thought of it caused her to shake violently against me, whether through cold or fear I wasn't sure. This was taking her to a very dark place, and I resented this interruption to our peaceful existence. What could it mean, and what would it do to Bella? She was strong, but I wasn't sure she had anymore life and death struggles in her. I hoped with my entire being that it didn't come to that.

"It's more than that," Alice interrupted, her hair swooshing back into place as she came to an abrupt halt. "I've just checked, and we all have clothes missing."

Alice and I exchanged looks, her thoughts confirming my own. This was bad - very bad.

"What the hell does that mean?" Bella asked, confused.

"It means whoever it was, was after our scents," I replied honestly, but I wondered if my resolve to be honest would be tested with the uncertainty of what was to come.

We fell silent then, lost in our own thoughts. Bella was still trembling, so I tucked her into the blanket more securely and pulled her even closer into my chest, imparting all the comfort I could muster.

Alice's thoughts were now cycling through various scenarios, all pure speculation in the absence of any relevant visions, but there didn't appear to be too many different possibilities, and on this we were of the same mind. She was frustrated and angry, desperate to see Jasper, as much for his comforting presence as his strategic mind with the ability to consider options we could not imagine. Though not succumbing to panic, we were justifiably concerned. Strange vampires entering our home uninvited and stealing our clothing just didn't happen. We had no choice but to consider it a threat.

I heard the familiar purr of Carlisle's Mercedes as it made its way along the highway towards the house. Within minutes he'd joined us in the family room, concern etched on his face as he took in Bella's frightened bearing and Alice's and my own discontent. He sniffed the air in surprise, then re-focused on me.

"Tell me," was all he said as he made his way to sit beside Bella and me, reaching for her hand to offer his support.

I recounted all we knew as he sat quietly, pondering what it could mean.

"The others?" he asked.

"I called them right after I called you," Alice explained, staring into space as images of their interrupted hunt in the mountains flashed through her mind. "They should be back in thirty-seven minutes."

Carlisle nodded, his thoughts just as anxious as Alice's and mine. None of us would be content until we could all be together, mate with mate, family complete. We sat silently awaiting their return, not willing to speculate further except in our thoughts.

Bella's breaths evened out as she fell into a restless sleep in my arms, the lethargy of her shock overtaking her. I was glad for the brief respite she would have before the rest of the family arrived. It was going to be a long night as together we would try to understand what was going on and determine what we were to do about it.

I was alerted to the urgent voices of the rest of the family, their thoughts reaching me before their sounds became discernible. They would arrive exactly when Alice predicted. "They're almost here," I announced, my voice startling Bella awake. She was briefly disoriented before I could see the awareness enter her eyes. She nestled into me more closely, and I pulled her hair from her face, caressing her cheeks and giving her a chaste kiss on the lips.

Jasper burst through the door first, enveloping Alice in a desperate embrace, his eyes scanning everywhere at once as he sniffed at the remnants of scent that didn't belong. The others arrived only seconds later. Their thoughts were frantic until they confirmed for themselves that we were safe and unharmed, but Emmett panicked as his eyes settled on Bella, still wrapped up in the blanket and nestled in my lap.

"Is she okay? Are you okay?" he begged, patting her face, arms and legs, reassuring himself that nothing else was broken and that no physical harm had come to her. It had been so long since he'd seen her in such a vulnerable pose.

"I'm fine, Emm, just a little freaked out," she answered, trying to placate him, but she was back to trembling again, the general level of distress in the room doing nothing to calm her.

He sighed in relief, but his fists clenched, and his body was tense, his mind abuzz with the need to attack something, anything.

Jasper was too focused on determining exactly what had happened to direct his attentions elsewhere, the heightened level of anxiety fuelling his speculations, so there was no welcoming mantle of calm for any of us to hide behind.

"Tell me again, every detail," he demanded, and I described everything I knew once more, as everyone settled themselves for the discussion that was about to come.

"Ali, honey, you didn't see anything?" he urged, making sure he had all the facts.

"No, nothing, Jazz. _Still_ nothing. I had no idea anything happened until we arrived home from school, and we could smell it. It's just not normal," she said sadly, leaning into him. He rubbed her arm soothingly as he tried to piece together the puzzle.

"So, everyone is sure? The scent is not familiar to anyone," Carlisle asked hopefully, already knowing the answer. We weren't capable of forgetting something like that. We'd have recognised it instantly.

"What the fuck would anyone want with our clothes? I mean, whoever it is knows where we live. Why all the cloak and dagger bullshit?" Emmett asked, his anger still barely contained.

"Emmett!" Esme quietly rebuked.

"You let Bella curse," he whined. Esme smiled weakly, letting it go.

Jasper was lost to his own train of thought. "There's got to be more than one involved. The way I see it, there's a minimum of three, maybe more. They took the clothes for a reason - there's at least one other person involved besides today's intruder that doesn't know us, who needs to know our scents. But there has to be someone else who's pulling the strings. It can't be random. Whoever is behind all this knows us. It doesn't make sense otherwise," Jasper reasoned.

"Well, who exactly have we pissed off lately?" Rosalie asked. "It seems an awful lot of trouble to go to. Emmett's right, why wouldn't they just confront us?"

"Confronting us is a big deal. There are seven of us with certain advantages. I don't think it's about us, per say. I think it's about getting around us, and. . ." he paused, looking to me for confirmation before finishing his thought. I nodded. ". . .I think it's about getting to Bella," Jasper declared.

I'd known where he was headed even without the benefit of reading his mind. I'd been mulling over it since the moment we arrived home and realised what had happened, but hearing him actually say it was still a jolt. But it had to be about her - nothing else fit. She shifted on my lap, lifting her head off my shoulder and staring at me in obvious alarm. I held her tightly and tried to make her feel safe, but the truth was, I was worried, and she knew it.

Jasper continued. "Someone wants to get to her, but they can't come waltzing in the front door while we're here. I don't know what they're up to, but I'd bet good money it's about you, Bella. It's the only thing that makes any kind of sense. We can't know anything until they make their next move, but maybe taking clothes from all of us was a ruse. Maybe they just needed Bella's scent. I really don't know. . ." he trailed off.

"Who?" Bella's voice trembled. She was visibly shaking now, and Jasper blanched from the force of her emotions.

"Jesus, Bella, you need to calm down. We won't let anyone get to you, not this time," Emmett pronounced, his eyes fiery with determination. "Esme, do we still have that stash of alcohol?"

Esme understood immediately, handing Bella a snifter with two fingers of single malt scotch mere seconds after Emmett had queried her.

Her hands were too shaky to be trusted, so I held the glass to her lips while she drank greedily, gasping as the liquor hit the back of her throat and burned its way down. With a slightly steadier but raspy voice, she asked again.

"Who?"

"I can think of two possibilities other than Jacob, but given it's a vampire scent, I'm thinking we can rule him out?" I asked, gaining everyone's agreement. "Assuming you're right, Jasper, and it's someone we know who is pulling the strings, which is logical, only Victoria or the Volturi seem to be likely candidates."

The words hung thick in the air while we absorbed the various probabilities and potential ramifications. It wasn't a big revelation, the pool of suspects quite shallow, but it still shook us. Only Bella seemed surprised, by this point too upset to contemplate possible perpetrators herself.

Her eyes were wide and fearful as she asked, "Why them?"

"Bella, you know of the Volturi. You know they're the overseers of our kind," Carlisle stated rather than asked. She nodded.

"Well, there is only one law our kind must live by, one law the Volturi enforce. Secrecy. As a human, you should not be privy to our existence. If somehow they found out, the consequences would be dire," he concluded.

"But it can't be them. I'd have seen it. I've been looking for it," Alice defended, sounding panicked. "And, Bella will be changed in time. That will be enough to satisfy Aro. I've made the decision to tell him about Bella, just so I could see what his reaction would be, in case. Knowing she will be changed is enough for him. I've _seen_ that."

This was news to me. I wondered how Alice could have kept it from me, not sure whether I should be angry with her or not.

"Edward, if I'd seen anything remotely bad, I'd have told you immediately. I just checked to put my mind at ease. I don't think it can be the Volturi," she said, sounding less confident by the second. "Surely, I'd have seen. . . something."

"What about Victoria? Why would she want me? Why now? Wouldn't she be after Edward or the rest of you? As much as I wish I could have, I didn't kill. . . _him_," Bella said, grimacing as she faced memories she'd hoped to keep buried deep, and then her own words seemed to sink in. "Oh, God, she could be after you, all of you that were there that day. You could all be in danger. We should leave, _now_. Oh, God, if anything happens to any of you. . ."

Her fear seemed to multiply exponentially as she contemplated that she may not be the only potential target. Jasper actually kneeled before her, placing his hands on her arms as he imparted much needed calm - a little too much. She slumped into my arms, her eyelids drooping heavily and almost falling into unconsciousness until he pulled back a little.

"Sorry, Bella. But you need to calm down a bit, hon'. You don't have to worry about us. We can take care of ourselves, and we'll take care of you, too, okay?"

"Jasper's right, Bella. I hate to say it, but I think she'd want revenge. Mate for mate. I think she'd want to try and take you away from me, because she'd know that would be the worst thing she could do to me. But I won't let that happen, and I don't want you to worry about us. She can't hurt us, Bella, and she certainly won't get anywhere near you," I assured her, my mind reeling as I considered how Victoria might try to get to her.

We were always careful, but now that we knew there was potentially an added threat in Victoria, we would be even more vigilant. I couldn't really see any way that she could reach Bella. It was different this time. As a family, we were more than a match for Victoria, and she would pay dearly for even trying to take Bella away from me. Of that I was certain. Yet, I still couldn't ease the worry from my mind because there was something missing - vital information that we didn't know - and that bothered me. If it really was Victoria, she had allies, and we didn't know how many. But I did know that she was highly motivated, and if her grief and need for revenge was anywhere near the intensity of my love for Bella, we had a real problem.

"She's got a point, Edward. If it is Victoria, I don't think she'd be interested in the rest of us, but I do think she could be gunning for either you or Bella, maybe even both of you. That's a distinct possibility. Regardless, whoever it is, I think it's safe to say that you and Bella are both directly in the firing line, and they're not alone, which is the most worrying part," Jasper added solemly.

If at all possible, the tension in the room ratcheted up a notch. We were dealing in unknowns, and the only thing we did feel confident about none of us liked. There was an unknown threat of unknown magnitude bearing down upon us, and we didn't know how to prepare or even when to expect a strike. What was known was that this somehow involved Bella. It had to, regardless of who was behind this, and by default, that made me a target, too, because to get to Bella, you had to go through me.

In spite of Jasper's previous efforts, Bella's anxiety was escalating again. I could feel her muscles tense and knot, her back stiffening despite my touch. Jasper began to direct more calm at her, but she waved him off with a simple shake of her head and a firm, "Don't." She fidgeted with the cuff on her wrist nervously, her finger slipping inside to trace against _his_ mark which seemed to push her into action. "Oh, God, this cannot be happening again!" she whispered, and I wasn't certain if she was despairing or irritated. She struggled to break free of the blanket and my lap, so I reluctantly relinquished my hold as she made it onto somewhat unsteady feet and headed for the stairs.

"Bella?" I called after her.

"I. . . I. . . need to clean our room. I. . ." she stammered, her mouth still agape before turning back towards the stairs and slowly making her way up, shoulders hunched and head slightly bowed.

I was about to head after her when Jasper gripped my arm. "Let her go, Edward. She's really a mess right now. Fear, guilt, anger, and plenty of it. She needs to be alone for a while to sort it out. From what I can tell, she's most afraid for you, and she's feeling very guilty about bringing danger into our lives again."

"She should be angry, and I can understand her being fearful for herself, but she shouldn't be worrying about me, and she's got nothing to feel guilty about. This isn't her fault," I argued. I couldn't stand seeing her this way, taking everything on herself as if she were somehow to blame. It was me. It was always me. I brought her into this world. I brought her into danger.

"You of all people know a little something about taking ownership of guilt that isn't yours," he jibed, giving me a pointed stare. "I'm getting an awful lot of guilt and anger coming off you, too, Edward. This isn't your fault either, you know."

"She's in danger again. Shouldn't I feel guilty about that? Shouldn't I be angry? I promised her I'd protect her last time, and we all know what happened. I failed her then, and here we are again," I spat. I stalked to the window, closing my eyes and pressing my cheek to the glass. It felt comforting somehow. We hadn't had enough time. We hadn't had enough peace or happiness. It shouldn't be this way.

Carlisle grasped my shoulder firmly, his touch soothing as his warmth spread through me. I suddenly found myself craving the time when Bella would know me as warm instead of cold. Maybe then I could comfort her in a way she really needed. "Edward, we all feel responsible for what happened to Bella. But we don't even know what's going on yet. As probable as it seems, we don't know for certain that it is Victoria. Let's not jump to conclusions too hastily. We will be on alert. There's really nothing else we can do now except wait and be cautious. But, please don't blame yourself for this. Bella made her choice to be with us, and we wouldn't be without her. She's one of us. We must accept what is and move forward, not dwell on things from the past that cannot be changed. Our focus needs to be here and now so that we can keep her safe."

He was right, of course, but it didn't fully assuage my anger or concern. I listened as her uneven steps moved from the soft thud of the carpet in the bedroom to the harsher slap of the bathroom tiles. The faucet turned on, and I could make out splashing, visualising her movements as she patted water onto her face. "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this." she chanted, barely even a whisper, before I heard her frantic scurry, then the unmistakable sound of retching as she vomited into the toilet. "Oh, God, I can't do this . . ."

Once again, I was stopped from going to my love, this time by Esme. "I'll go. I think she needs a mother right now," she explained before running up the stairs.

I stared upward, willing myself with her, reflexively holding my own stomach as I shuddered with each of her empty heaves. She was hurting, and I couldn't make it stop.

"I still don't get it. I've been looking for Victoria, too. But there's been nothing. I don't just sit around all day looking for Stella McCartney's new fall line, or to see if Dior are doing mini's next season, you know. I look out for us, for Bella. I look _all_ the time. I haven't seen the Volturi or Victoria make any decisions to do with any of us." Alice's laments dragged my attention back to the conversation.

"It's not your fault, Alice. You can't see everything," Jasper comforted.

"No, you don't understand, Jazz. I don't think I've missed anything. I don't think it was there to be missed. I really have been looking, but the Volturi haven't even mentioned us, thank God. And, as for Victoria, well I haven't even seen her at all. It's like - like she's disappeared. There's been nothing for months."

"Do you think she's dead?" I asked hopefully. If she weren't the present menace, her mere existence still made her a threat, and I wouldn't mourn her loss if we could cross her off our list of enemies.

"I really don't know. Maybe," Alice replied, unsure.

"Well, if it's not the Volturi or Victoria, then who?" Emmett huffed, his frustration reaching its limit.

"I don't think we can rule anyone out just yet. . ." Jasper answered cautiously ". . .I don't trust the Volturi or Victoria to not have found a way around your visions, Alice."

Alice winced, visibly hurt at the possibility that her gift may be rendered useless to us, and I could feel her pain keenly as it bounced off Jasper, his thoughts consumed with concern for his mate. She felt as helpless as we all did, but being Alice, she also felt responsible, as if it were up to her to prevent all manner of ills that could befall us. Jasper kissed her forehead, cupping her face in his hands, their bond so tender it made me ache to be with Bella. I looked upwards again, as if by looking in the right direction, I'd be able to see her. I tried very hard to give her the privacy she would be wanting with Esme, so I brought my focus back, my anger loping forward as I realised we were no further advanced.

"We have nothing. We know _nothing_." I seethed, _my_ frustration now long past its limit.

"Easy, brother," Jasper cautioned. "I can only absorb so much."

"Sorry," I mumbled. Even I could feel the buzzing of emotion bouncing off the walls like some living, breathing out of control being. The entire house was alive with tension. I didn't envy Jasper his gift, _ever_, but especially at times like these. My focus shifted again as I heard soft whimpers and comforting coos coming from upstairs. She hadn't cried in months. I felt my fists clench and my jaw strain as I tried to reign in my fury for my own benefit as much as for Jasper's. I didn't want her to see me like this. It would only make her more upset.

Sensing my need for something, _anything_ tangible, Jasper put voice to his suspicions. "Look, don't hold me to this, but if I were a betting man, I'd put my money on Victoria. It just doesn't feel like Aro's style, and I can't see any random strangers deciding to involve themselves in our lives like this. Why would anyone else care? No, it feels like something Victoria might do. Laurent did warn us not to underestimate her."

_That's all I've got, Edward. Once I know more, you'll know more. But I know her kind. I think I'm right about this._

I met his eyes, and his half smile indicated that he understood my silent appreciation. Jasper was happy to speculate and plan, but he didn't like to commit to anything without evidence, something we were sorely lacking.

"Without knowing anything for certain, I have to agree that the most likely scenario is that Victoria is out for revenge. I don't know if that means she's after you or Bella or both of you. But until we know more, I don't think any of us should be taking any unnecessary risks. We should only go out in pairs, at least. As for Bella, besides you, Edward, I think there should be at least one of us with you both, just in case, even in the house. Your priority obviously has to be Bella, and if Victoria has allies, you can't keep her safe and fight off potentially three or more at the same time. God forbid it should come to that. So we'll stick together as much as possible, just as a precaution," Carlisle ordered.

_I need you safe, too, son,_ Carlisle added soundlessly.

I nodded my assent, and he accepted my reassurance gratefully. Carlisle abhorred violence, but if it came to it, he would do anything to keep his family safe, and I didn't need Jasper to tell me that he was far more concerned than he was letting on. As for me, I didn't doubt in my ability to fight and fight well, but neither my pride nor my arrogance were going to get in the way of Bella's safety. I didn't know what was coming, but we would face it together. No risks.

"I'll contact, Billy. The pack needs to know about this, too, and it couldn't hurt to have some extra eyes and ears right now," he added.

"And, snouts. Don't forget snouts," Emmett chuckled.

We all stared at him in silence. Rosalie, who had remained mostly quiet and pensive throughout the entire discussion, now looked as if her gaze alone might turn him to ash.

"What? Too soon?" he asked innocently. "Okay, sorry, but look, I'm as pissed off about this as anyone. But I'll tell you right now, no one is gonna lay one finger on that girl's head. We learned our lesson last time. She stays with us - with all of us. Whatever the fuck is going on here, we will protect her, Edward, and you, too, if necessary, even if you are a moody pain in the ass sometimes." He grinned, taking any heat out of the insult. It was just Emmett's way.

Jasper pushed Emmett's sincerity onto me like it was a suit of armour, combining it with his own and the others who all shared Emmett's opinion on the subject. I almost stumbled back under the weight of it all, a little overwhelmed but not really surprised.

"Thank you. I -- I can't lose her," was all I could think to say.

"And we can't lose either of you. You should get up there now. You need each other, and she's ready to see you. We'll figure this out," Alice assured, but she was still painfully disappointed in herself, though she had no right to be.

"Alice--"

"Don't, Edward. I'm okay. Go to her."

Even in the mere seconds it took me to get to our room, I could hear Jasper continuing to speculate and strategise. I knew he'd be at it for hours.

I paused at our door and composed myself. Regardless of how I felt, I couldn't let Bella see me fall apart. If our suspicions were correct, this was only the beginning, and I couldn't afford to let my emotions get the better of me. She wasn't crying anymore, but I didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing, and I suddenly felt quite apprehensive. I wanted so much to comfort her, but somehow I wasn't sure I had the right words. I decided to knock before entering, even though it was my room, too.

Esme spoke softly as she admitted me to the room. "She's such a strong, brave soul, Edward. We'll keep her safe." She grasped my arm lovingly before closing the door behind her.

Bella was in bed, lying on her side and facing the window. Her broken arm was sticking out and just hanging over the edge, not really having a place of its own. I could tell from her breathing that she wasn't sleeping, so I climbed onto the bed, gently sidling up against her, draping my arm over her and pushing my face into the hair at the back of her neck. I inhaled deeply, instantly feeling contentment wash over me. Even Jasper's gift didn't have this effect on me.

"I love it when we 'spoons'," she said quietly, wriggling herself further into me. I was pleasantly surprised to find her voice sure and steady. I chuckled softly at the mangled metaphor, knowing what was coming.

"I love it even more when we Forks," she giggled, her body vibrating gently against me. I could hear Emmett chortling from downstairs. It was almost alarming how similar their sense of humour could be. Between the two of them, that one never got old. But feeling her laugh against me felt so good, especially after her reaction earlier. To say I was relieved was an understatement.

I tightened my hold on her, kissing the back of her head - my silent thank you to her for being all right.

"I'm sorry I lost it back there. I'm okay now - really. I was just caught off guard, I guess. I was expecting Jacob to come back at some point. Whenever we're out of the house, I'm not worried exactly, but I'm always looking over my shoulder, you know? I've kind of been waiting for him. But I didn't expect this, and I. . . I thought we were safe in the house, Edward. But someone came in here and messed with our stuff like it was the easiest thing in the world to do, and it freaked me out a bit. Okay, a lot. But it was just the shock. I just needed to have a mini-meltdown to put things into perspective. I'm really okay now," she repeated, reassuring me.

And she did sound okay. She sounded strong, together, better than me. She was, as always, amazing. I wondered when it was that she became the strong one in our relationship, then I smothered my laughter in her hair. _Always_. She'd always been the strong one in our relationship. I kept forgetting that.

I wasn't sure if she needed me to say it, but I knew I wanted to for my own sake. "Bella, I _will_ keep you safe. _We will_ keep you safe. I promise you that."

"I know, Edward. I love you, and I trust you. I trust you all." In response, I heard an unspoken chorus echo in my mind. _We won't fail you again._

I held her tightly as she drifted into sleep, but it was a fitful sleep, and for the first time in a long time, she had a nightmare that night. It was worse than her worst, as if her subconscious had kept count of all the nights she'd slept peacefully, gathering all the fear and pain and loss and horror she'd ever experienced and thrusting it upon her in full force. Some cosmic balancing out of the good and the bad, lest she get too comfortable. I rocked her in my lap, pressing her close to my chest as I rubbed her back and kissed at her hot, salty tears, understanding that she really wasn't as okay as she said she was - she was just a lot better at pretending.

**A/N**

Thank you for reading. I'd love to hear your thoughts, so please review. And, thank you as always to my amazing beta, TwilightZoner. She is my Yoda!

_Anyone had any scary break-ins to their house?_


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER - The characters were created by Stephenie Meyer. To the extent it does not infringe on Ms. Meyer's work, the remainder is my original work and I own the copyright.**

**Beta - TwilightZoner**

**CHAPTER 6 - UNKNOWN ENEMY**

"Hey, lion."

Her greeting caught me off guard and wiped the scowl from my face that I'd been sporting for the last several days, replacing it with what felt like a genuine smile. It had been a while since I'd experienced that.

"Hey, lamb," I replied, eliciting her own bona fide grin of appreciation. It was a welcome reprieve.

It had been a little over a week since the intruder in the house incident, and nothing had happened. Alice hadn't been able to _see_ anything that seemed remotely related to the event, which frustrated her no end. I don't think I'd ever seen her mood so grim, and that alone set everyone else on edge. Even Emmett wasn't his usual goofy self which just added to the general sense of discontent. He even stopped thinking provocative dirty thoughts at me, which really had me worried.

Bella was leaning back on our bed, pillows piled up comfortably behind her, open calculus book and scrappy notebook balanced on her lap while she gnawed at an already seriously mutilated pencil. She eyed me warily, as if trying to determine if my smile was in fact genuine, but her grin widened when she obviously concluded that I wasn't faking for her benefit.

It hadn't been an easy week - not for any of us, so smiles and light hearted banter was unexpected and a relief, and I knew she was making a huge effort, as fed up as I was at the limbo we seemed to find ourselves in. But it was even more for her. She was exhausted. Bella's nightmares had taken up permanent residence in her psyche once more, and I could only surmise that her level of concern far surpassed what she was willing to share with me. We were both having difficulty with our honesty agreement, never lying, but neither of us was being completely forthcoming either, not wanting to worry the other. But it had the opposite effect, and it had been tense to say the least. More than anything, I resented my inability to make her feel safe. I resented being back in _that_ place again. _One step forward, two steps back._

Seizing upon the unexpected light mood, I fell backwards onto the bed, sprawling across it with my head resting in Bella's lap, her paperwork crumpling satisfyingly beneath me. I stared up at her, eagerly awaiting her reaction.

"Hey. I was working on that," she protested weakly, the mauled pencil slipping from her mouth and hitting me in my eye, pointy end down. The led shattered instantly, the pencil bouncing off me and ricocheting across the floor. I quickly blinked away the shards of graphite that clouded my vision.

"Wow! That was. . . um. . . kind of gross, actually," she grimaced, her eyes scrunched up defensively as if she'd been on the receiving end of the pencil. "That didn't hurt you at all, did it?"

"If I hadn't seen it coming, I probably wouldn't have even felt it," I admitted, frowning at how such an insignificant occurrence could so perfectly illustrate my real nature more than my words or actions ever had before.

I could have grabbed the pencil before it hit me, and I'm not sure why I didn't. Maybe I wanted her to really see more of the _real_ me. Maybe I wanted to see what her reaction would be to the stone monster before her. My blood lust didn't frighten her but maybe the cold hard truth of my impenetrable nature would. I wasn't sure really, but I felt restless, as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for that bad thing that I just _knew _was coming to finally arrive. And maybe if I could force her to see me as I really was, not the imagined perfection in her mind, then I could force the bad thing upon us, and the wait would be over. _So much for my attempt at light hearted_, I mused sourly. My summer persona seemed a million miles away.

I scowled at my own flawed logic. I must have really been on edge to try and force a rift between us over something so ridiculously inconsequential. But, as usual, her reaction didn't confirm my fears about our differences but instead embraced them - embraced me - as she always had.

"Hey, don't be getting all morose on me. I'm glad you're so impenetrable. You need to be with me for a girlfriend. I'm dangerous. If you were anyone else, you'd be down an eye right about now," she explained, a pained expression on her face.

I almost chuckled at the absurdity of her thought process. Here she was facing an unknown threat from others of _my_ kind, and she considered herself to be the dangerous one. And upon hearing the term "girlfriend" come from her mouth, I realised how completely inadequate that really was. I would have to rectify that soon. But for right now, she was still looking pained as if this little display had been her fault, and I had to fix that.

"Hey, don't _you_ be getting morose on _me_. If anyone else had their head in your lap, they wouldn't _only_ be down one eye. I don't even like hypothetical discussions about you being that close to anyone else," I replied, directionless feelings of jealousy bubbling up inside me.

"Okay," she sighed, and she looked relieved. "We're in violent agreement here. We belong with each other, and my handicaps make it vital that my boyfriend have superhuman strength and abilities. Check."

Her hand made its way into my messy hair, messing it up further and gently stroking my scalp, trying to ease away the last remnants of tension she knew I was carrying. I could barely discern the pressure from her fingers, but it was still the most sensual and soothing of actions. I closed my eyes in sheer contentment, grateful that she at least was mature enough not to let my often inane temperament ruin our time together. She was the perfect panacea, and if I tried very hard, I thought I could pretend that everything really was okay. _If_I tried very hard. But I didn't try very hard at all. Somehow, I just couldn't.

We were silent for a while before I finally found the courage to ask her if she wanted to talk. If I were being honest with myself, the fact that she was obviously suffering was what had me so tense, and we'd both been avoiding the issue for days. But instead of articulating my concerns, I found myself embarrassingly tongue tied as I stumbled over half words and incomplete sentences. I wasn't sure why it was always so easy to talk about everything except for what most needed talking about.

"Bella, I. . . Are y. . . How do you. . .Wi. . ." I stammered piteously.

"Edward, just spit it out already." Patience was no longer a virtue as far as Bella was concerned, but she immediately grimaced, shaking her head in frustration. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped like that. I didn't mean it, I'm just. . .tired."

Yes, she was tired, and that was precisely the point, so I took the opening she'd given me.

"Is there anything you'd like to talk about? I mean, your nightmares are back. They're like before. . ."

My words hung uncomfortably between us. She exhaled loudly, and her lips formed a line of discontent before she curled them in and kind of bit down on them, and it reminded me of young children pretending to lock their mouths with an invisible key lest their secrets slip out. Her eyes were darting back and forth nervously, looking everywhere but at me, and though part of me regretted her discomfort, another part of me was desperate for her response. That part won out, so I kept silent awaiting her answer which seemed to take the longest time.

"Look, I'm not trying to pretend that everything is okay, because clearly it isn't. But I am okay - as okay as I can be. I'm not going to cower in a corner and cry about it all day. I just can't be that frightened, helpless little girl anymore. It's crippling. But that doesn't mean that I'm not frightened and helpless, because I am. I'm the weak link, and that really pisses me off, so I'm just dealing with it the best way I can. But I can't help my dreams. I know they don't just bring back bad memories for me, and I'm sorry about that. I'm _so_ sorry about that." She paused abruptly, breathing heavily with reddened cheeks and a serious expression. After what appeared to be intense contemplation, she finished with, "Okay?"

"Okay," I replied. It was a start. "But you don't have to apologise for anything, just so you know."

Her face softened, and she gave me her beautiful smile, although there was a sadness in her eyes that spoke to her conflict. "I know. I really love you - just so _you_ know." She suddenly became playful, moving her hand down the contours of my chest and licking her lips hungrily.

"If I weren't already dead, you'd be the death of me." I sat up eagerly taking her face between my hands and kissing her passionately. Her heated lips warmed my own and stirred desires that were quite honestly _always_ there, just barely contained. I definitely wanted more, but her stomach took that opportunity to growl loudly, the wrong kind of hunger winning out. She giggled into my mouth with embarrassment, the bubbling tinkling sweet and honest, and it only made me ache for her more.

"Time to feed the human," I reluctantly conceded, helping her to her feet.

We sauntered down the stairs, arms around each other as if we didn't have a care in the world, laughing conspiratorially as we heard the Indiana Jones theme music coming from Emmett's and Rose's room. I thought about how we really hadn't taken any special time for ourselves lately. With this threat hanging over us, we couldn't take the risk, and that angered me. I wanted Bella to have more than just the mundane routine of day to day life, essentially a prisoner and guarded at all times. School was virtually the only time she got to leave the house, and that certainly couldn't be classified as special time. I was sure this wasn't the life experience she'd hoped for her when she decided to postpone her change.

It was bad enough that we had to worry about Jacob, but this new development was so much worse. I already felt stifled by the constant proximity of the others, so I could only imagine how Bella was feeling about it. I wanted to surprise her and excite her and spoil her. I wanted her to live. My mind started to fill with ideas of how I could indulge her under the present circumstances. The what probably didn't matter as much as the why, so I thought the gesture alone would be worth the effort: a picnic with her favourite foods by the river near the house; a piano recital just for her; an Indiana Jones movie marathon so she could laugh at Emmett. I just had to be creative.

It was a lazy, overcast yet remarkably dry Saturday afternoon, the chill autumn air biting with the promise that winter might make an early appearance this year. Everyone, as usual these days, was at home, engaged in various activities designed to try and distract themselves from what was on all our minds. Everyone that is, except for Alice and Jasper. As the family room came into view from the stairs, I could see Alice curled up in a lounge chair with a faraway look in her eyes trying to force a useful vision. I tried not to focus on her, the exertion of her mind enough to cause physical discomfort, and I was saddened that she was still shouldering so much blame when there was none to be had.

Jasper was in front of the TV, never far from Alice but completely immersed in his own project. A map of Seattle was sprawled out on the coffee table in front of him, dots of colour scarring it in an indiscernible pattern. Various coloured highlighters and markers spilled across the table, and he was fixated on the screen, switching channels between various news broadcasts. A week's worth of newspapers were strewn across the sofa around him, various articles highlighted. He'd been at this all week, his thoughts a guarded mess as he searched for clues. I was beginning to get impatient with him. He clearly had something in mind, though it was nothing I could make sense of, and I felt it was about time he shared his thoughts. He sensed my frustration, as he had done all week, but this time he surprised me with his reaction.

"You're right to be frustrated, Edward. I just haven't wanted to say anything until I had something real. It's still all speculation, and there's really no way to know if this relates to our situation at all, but I think it does. In fact, I'm sure of it, but I could use your insight."

This certainly piqued my curiosity, and the fact that he called for everyone to join him led me to believe he had more than just idle speculation to report. Bella tensed slightly and pulled herself away from me, walking towards the kitchen. She re-emerged with an apple and surprisingly asked Rosalie if she'd like to take a walk, clearly preferring to not be involved in Jasper's deliberations.

Rose seemed just as surprised as I was but agreed to Bella's invitation, and the two of them set off across the lawn in the direction of the river, no dialogue passing between them. I was unsettled knowing that she would be away from the house without me, but I thought it was no coincidence that she was headed to where the volume of regular conversation _and_ thought could not be overheard. Jasper sensed my unease, reminding me that Rosalie only had to raise her voice and we would be alerted and with them in seconds if need be. Though true, it did little to ease my mind, especially when I saw Alice, her expression morose but blocking me from her thoughts with a listless rendition of some fashion magazine article that usually would have thrilled her. But I turned my focus to Jasper, understanding that Bella deserved some modicum of privacy if she needed it and hopeful that if she wouldn't completely open up to me, that perhaps she could with Rose. My curiosity didn't wane, though, and if truth be told, a jolt of unease sparked a panic within me that made my breath catch uncomfortably in my throat.

Jasper pushed past my turbulent emotions, attempting to distract me with the fruits of his labour from the past several days of obsessive news watching. He wasted no time with preamble or embellishment. "There's been a series of attacks in Seattle. No discernible pattern between the victims or the locations, but the press are starting to make the connections, though they're thinking serial killer. I'm thinking newborn army."

His revelations hit me with such force that my troubled thoughts about Bella were pushed to the background, still present but not the imminent concern they were only moments before. I searched Jasper's mind, finding nothing but fretful certainty, even though his words demonstrated a certain humility he did not truly possess, not in this situation. ". . .could be wrong, of course, but I really don't think so," he continued.

The jumbled inner impressions coming at me from the others was a little overwhelming. Carlisle's contemplative musings methodically considering Jasper's declaration was not surprising, nor was Emmett's thoughtful plans of attack and defence, or even Esme's fear-fuelled determination to do whatever was required to keep her loved ones safe. But, Alice. . . Alice was empty, her eyes staring helplessly into a deep, endless nothing as it surrounded her and pulled her down, as if it were a vast cloak of endless shadow, wicked and vile and void of -- anything good, anything at all. I could feel the pain of the hollowness emanating from her, the gaping chasm within her engulfing me and sending me to my knees as the emptiness swallowed me whole. I was, _we_ were, drowning in absolute nothingness. It was an agony I'd never experienced, and that fact alone had me gasping for unnecessary air as if it were the only thing keeping me tethered to this earth.

The sensations were so painful and confused, as if I were seeing the nothing Alice was seeing but hearing a nothing reserved solely for me. I felt a loss so profound I wanted to weep. My body gnawed and throbbed, as if the nothingness were crushing me from the inside out, something unseen pulling and dragging and wrenching at my very being. My bones felt as if they were splintering within me, my skin chafing and burning against the soft fabrics of my clothing. My lungs strained for oxygen, my dead heart squeezing and searching for long lost blood to pump. I thought I may go mad.

I felt hands and arms flailing at me, scalding me with their touch, but thoughts and sounds were lost to me as I sank further and further into the abyss. I felt my throat burning and straining as I screamed for mercy and begged for death. I was lost.

-:-

The pressure began to ease, the darkness lifting ever so slightly to reveal a foggy, half lucid version of reality from an odd, low perspective. I sucked in a deep mouthful of air, my lungs stinging as the oxygen swirled uselessly about. I blinked several times trying to clear the blur that even then I knew I should not posses. I was on the floor, the coolness of the floorboards beneath me a stark contrast to the warmth of Bella, her smooth skin and sweet fragrance draping over me. Her soft lilting voice was wooing me back to her, and as my focus started returning, her scared, moist eyes instantly made me want to comfort and calm her. I moved to reach for her, but I felt -- _weak_. My arm dropped uselessly back to my side, and I felt frail and fatigued. Panic began to rise within me as I searched my mind for understanding. Whatever this was, it wasn't -- _normal_.

Bella stroked my forehead and my cheek, and I felt her warmth seep into me as never before. Her touch, always so soothing yet in truth, insubstantial, suddenly so firm and powerful. Slowly the memories began to re-emerge along with the frantic voices and thoughts of my family, and it was a painful adjustment, the noise at first at a volume that was unpleasant. I noticed Carlisle crouched beside me, his eyes intent and his silent ruminations tumbled over in his mind so quickly I struggled to keep up. I closed my eyes in defeat.

I tried again to focus, casting my mind back to what I last remembered. I opened my eyes again, noticing my surroundings and trying to ignore the sound of voices coming at me. I was still in the family room. Jasper had been explaining the reasoning behind his newborn army theory, something that required much further discussion and thought. Carlisle, Emmett and Esme were contemplating his words and formulating their own reactions, all of us trying to merge this information with our still unanswered questions about our recent intruder. Bella and Rosalie were down by the river. And Alice. . . Oh!

I frantically scanned the room, instantly settling upon her as she silently sobbed into Jasper's chest. As if sensing my need, she lifted her head, and we gazed at one another, reliving her vision, flinching with the remembrance of the pain but mercifully removed from the potency of the assault. _What was that? I'm so afraid, Edward,_she thought at me desperately.

"Alice, I. . ." My voice was weak and croaky and surprising. But I had no explanation, not for anything. No soothing words to tell her that it was going to be just fine, because what we experienced was anything but fine. In all my years -- in all our years, Alice and I had never shared a more powerful vision, if vision were the right word at all. Alice's thoughts confirmed that she had never experienced anything like it - ever. We kept staring at each other, her silent pleas for understanding and her fear, confusion and frustration pounding into me and mingling with my own.

Jasper shushed her comfortingly, obviously feeling the myriad of emotions sparking between us and trying to calm us both by first trying to calm her.

A false tranquility fluttered around me then, and I welcomed it, feeling more in control as I allowed it to settle over me. Suddenly, I could breathe easier, and I felt my strength returning, my skin and bones seemingly hardening, symbolically at least, as I again became the impervious creature -- the only thing I really knew. Relief flooded my senses, and I couldn't help but marvel at the realisation that I would welcome my inhumanity with such fervour. Yet the comfort and reassurance I felt at becoming what I had always hated was genuine. I revelled in my strength and clarity.

I sat up, pulling Bella with me as I got to my feet in one swift, easy motion. I felt like me again, but my chest was tight with fear and vulnerability. I was supposed to be invulnerable, yet I had felt pain and loss of a magnitude I didn't know existed. And I'd lost time. I couldn't recall Bella coming back into the house or how I'd ended up prostrate and fragile on the floor. Was it possible I lost consciousness? Though my strength had returned, I felt the need to sit, overcome with the impossibility of what had just occurred.

"What happened, _please_?" Carlisle implored, and the concern and fear shared by all was suddenly very apparent and alive in the room.

I deferred to Alice, after all, it was her vision, but she shook her head, not ready to try and describe the experience just yet. I wasn't sure I was any more ready than she was, but the family were desperate for some kind of explanation, and though I didn't think I could ever fully articulate what we shared, I somehow knew this was vital information that had to be communicated.

"As Jasper was explaining his thoughts about a newborn army in Seattle, Alice had a vision - a vision unlike any other." I sucked in another deep breath, suddenly very unsure if I even wanted to try and convey the experience. Bella pressed her face into my chest and tightened her hold on me, her unspoken reassurance comforting and allowing me a reprieve until I could gather my thoughts.

"It was as if a dark cloud had enveloped me, _us_. It was a complete absence of -- everything. I, _we_, couldn't see or hear, and we felt such loss - profound and complete loss. Nothing but pain, torture really, as if my, _our_, bodies were being pulverised from within, as if something was pulling, no, _wrenching_ something away from inside. I. . .I. . ." My voice stuttered as I grappled with my overwhelming feelings, the complete opposite of the void Alice and I had just experienced.

"He's right." Alice's voice, tremulous with emotion took over for me. "It's very difficult to explain. I couldn't see anything. I couldn't hear. I felt like something dark and lethal was pulling me down. It was hopeless. I felt lost and, and. . . violated _somehow_. And the pain was. . . And then it all went blank. I don't know what it means. I've never had a vision that wasn't actually a vision. I've never not _seen_ before. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced. The very worst. . ."

"And when I. . . awoke, I suppose would be the right word, I felt weak and disoriented." I continued for Alice, both of us feeling a renewed strength as we shared the burden of the telling. "My vision was blurry, my memories momentarily vague and confused."

"Yes," Alice agreed, and the impact of that stilled the room, everyone absorbing that impossible information and trying to process it. Things like that just didn't happen to vampires.

"Yes, we're fine now," I answered Carlisle's silent question.

"Thank God it was only temporary, but I'm at a loss to explain it," Carlisle spoke for everyone's benefit. His mind immediately drifted to historical texts he could research, old acquaintances he could question, but he had an air of defeat about him. He was sure that if such a thing were commonplace, he'd have heard about it by now. But he resolved to research in any case. If in his lengthy existence he had only witnessed such a thing this one time, then it clearly wasn't commonplace, and perhaps an obscure reference could be found somewhere. Images of the Volturi crossed his mind, the accounts of Aro coveting a pair of young siblings - twins - with certain abilities, piquing his interest. But he dismissed their purported evil abilities as quickly as he'd considered them. _Too many inconsistencies_, he thought. _Besides, this was the effect of a vision. We don't even know if it will have a literal physical translation. It could mean anything. Best not to jump to conclusions._

"How long were we out? _Were_ we out?" I asked hesitantly, still utterly shaken that such a thing could happen but relieved that Carlisle had eliminated the Volturi as a possible source.

"It was only a little over five minutes, and you were both unresponsive, after you stopped thrashing and screaming that is, so yes, I suppose you were 'out'," Carlisle answered, not even trying to hide his sheer bafflement.

"I've got to admit, you both scared the shit out of me," Emmett pronounced without a hint of humour.

"That's the understatement of the century," Jasper agreed, his eyes never leaving Alice's face as he comforted her with his touch and his gift.

Esme whimpered in relief, finally allowing herself to believe that Alice and I were now okay and furiously trying to rid her mind of the images of our collapse.

I gasped as I saw the scene from her perspective. Though she tried to quiet her mind, the more she refused to think it, the clearer the images became. Seeing it helped me understand the complete incredulity and abject terror everyone else had experienced, and though living it was something I wouldn't wish upon anyone, comprehending what our loved ones went through as we were lost to the vision left me dumbstruck. Our reactions were so primal and human. We were feeble and helpless. It was simply inconceivable, and yet. . .

This was new to all of us. If we couldn't rely on our nature - our physicality, then what could we rely on? It was beyond frightening, and it was clear that everyone's mettle had been sorely tested. If such a thing could happen to Alice and me, then we were all at risk, and that was something we hadn't had to consider in our vampiric lifetimes.

Was this what it was always like for Bella? To feel both petrified and infuriated at the same time? To know that you are weak and defenseless - a victim - when you so desperately want to be strong and independent? Among the myriad of other emotions coursing through me, I was once again humbled by her strength. I was incapable of even imagining the depth of courage it must take for her to exist in _our_world, for I had only to endure such frailty for mere moments, and it left me feeling utterly exposed.

Bella's heartbeat was elevated and her eyes were still wide with alarm, virtually unblinking, as if she was afraid I may disappear if she were to look away even for a moment. I could only imagine how she must really be feeling. Her faith in our strength and ability - my strength and ability - would be shattered. I grasped her face in my hands, kissing her forehead and her cheeks tenderly and willing her to calm down. "I'm fine, Bella. It's fine now, and you're going to be okay," I promised, though I was anything but calm myself, and she knew me well enough to know that. Confusion marred her features, though she didn't say anything, just kept holding me, and I was grateful for that.

I actually felt ill at the possibility of the vision coming to fruition. If the mere promise of it could manifest itself into such a physical reaction, then what would the reality bring? Whose decision could have caused such a violent vision in the first place, and what the hell was decided? Who could yield such power? Was it truly a portent to an actual event, or was it a representation, like a physical metaphor showing us that we were powerless to protect Bella? Was I really so incapable of protecting her? Was it really that hopeless? That possibility frightened more than anything, even more than losing the strength and power that I'd come to rely on so absolutely, though that in itself was enough to make me tremble with dread.

No, we couldn't let this happen. Alice's visions were subjective. If something had been decided that could predict such a cataclysmic event, then we had to change the circumstances and prevent it. I had to believe we had the power to change things, even though I was far from understanding what exactly we had to change. The vision, for want of a better term, made no sense, but there was no doubt that it was a foreshadowing of something very bad, and there was no option but to stop it. We had to.

My questions were as troubling as they were endless, but I knew that no explanation would be forthcoming anytime soon. How can you explain the inexplicable? Besides, something told me that we needed to focus on what we did know, or at least, what we thought we knew. Jasper had been in the midst of explaining what he thought was happening in Seattle and presumably how that related to us, and he had many unspoken trains of thought yet to be revealed. If we could focus on that and make sense of it, then perhaps we could find some kind of context for this experience. Somehow everything was connected. I was sure of it. We just had to piece it all together, and the sense of urgency I felt to take action was growing more and more overwhelming as the minutes ticked by.

"Edward!" Bella's voice was almost shrill in its intensity, and I realised I hadn't registered her earlier calls.

"What? Oh, sorry, I guess I was. . . distracted." The faces of my family were back to their previous concern, or perhaps sheer mortification and terror would have been a more apt description. There was a strong air of distress, everyone seeing things that weren't there and making connections where there were none to be made. Alice and I were being scrutinised as if we might spontaneously combust before their very eyes, and I knew I needed to try and diffuse the situation before it deteriorated any further.

"I promise you, I'm fine now. We're fine, right Alice?" But Alice's demeanour did not have the comforting effect I'd hoped for as she stared right through me, eyes wide but gaze distant. Her mind was a whirlwind of wretched thoughts and forced visions that she threw at me like grenades, each new image exploding before I could process the last. It was as close to a meltdown as I'd ever seen in one of my kind, but Alice's determination to _see_ her way to "fixing" this was resolute.

_Scared. So scared. NASDAQ down two points. Sight. Not helping. Blue dress. Watching. White Christmas. Manipulating visions. No haircuts, Bella. Manipulating me. Don't understand. Mrs. Cope and Mr. Banner. Bad. So bad. Can't_see_. Look. Sunshine sparkly Tuesday. Look harder. Powerful. Evil. Biology pop quiz, Thursday. Taking. Dark. Nothing. Pain. No way, Emmett. Fail. More. My fault. Hopeless._

Jasper's head fell back against the chair, and he groaned at the torment of absorbing the full force of her cycling emotions. My head pounded with the intensity of her concentration, her focus steadfast but her spirit so utterly lost. She was trying so hard. Too hard. We may have regained our physical prowess, but it was clear that we hadn't come out of the experience unscathed. Alice was broken and desperate, somehow apportioning all responsibility for our troubles to her own tiny shoulders, and the ripples of panic and hopelessness were spreading through the family like a cancer.

Though I had to pry myself from her grip, I moved from Bella to kneel beside Alice, clutching her hands firmly in mine and shaking her. "Alice! Stop! It's not your fault, you can't fix this. Alice, please, stop this. You're hurting yourself"

The jumbling disconnected thoughts and images didn't slow down. She was determined to see a way through this and was completely lost in her own mind. I watched on powerlessly, trying to maintain my own focus and not get lost in her mania. Jasper writhed in obvious pain, clutching onto Alice as if she were his saviour and tormentor all at once. I tried blocking out everyone else's thoughts. Alice and Jasper alone were enough to make me want to run to Canada to escape the burden. So I did what I had to do, the only thing I could do. I hit her - hard. A full blow to her cheek that snapped her head swiftly to the side, her hand instantly reaching up to rub away the sting, her thoughts now only focused on the shock and confusion and quickly mounting anger. Jasper slumped back into the lounge chair, the instant reprieve from Alice's emotion filled haze overwhelming his senses, and I imagined I had about five seconds to explain myself before both their shock wore off and was replaced with outright aggression.

"Alice, I'm sorry, but you were out of control. You were hurting yourself and Jasper, and even if you didn't care about yourself, I knew you didn't want to hurt him. This isn't your fault. You _know_that. You can't force the right visions. You can't force an explanation or a solution. I know you're scared. I think it's quite obvious that we all are. But we need to work together on this. We're all blind here, Alice. It's not all on you, okay?"

A rumble started building deep within Jasper's chest as he realised that I'd laid hands on his wife, his thoughts pure venom. Alice placed her hand over his heart, silencing him with just a look and a touch. "It's okay, Jazz. Edward did the right thing, though perhaps a mere slap would suffice next time, brother." She looked at me pointedly before continuing contritely. "I didn't realise. I'm so sorry. I was hurting you, too, Edward. I didn't mean to make things worse or worry you all more. I'm okay now. It was silly. I just. . . I just wanted to help. Usually I help but now. . . I just wanted to help."

Jasper pulled her into his chest, and Esme replaced me at her side, both of them patting her back soothingly and comforting her with their love. The moment I was within reach, Bella pulled me into her fiercely, and her touch was instant solace.

My need to be proactive, in any capacity, drew my thoughts back to before Alice's meltdown. We needed to focus on what we did know and move our thoughts away from the fear and uncertainty of _the_ vision, for now at least.

"Jasper, the newborn army. Tell us more. Why are you so sure, and how is that connected to the intruder?" I almost pleaded with him for the information, all the while clinging tightly to Bella in what I hoped was more reassuring and less the desperation and apprehension I truly felt.

Jasper welcomed the diversion of attention. He'd been struggling to maintain his own emotions let alone the compounding effects of everyone else's as well, but Alice's vision haze had taken a toll on him. His concern for his wife was unmistakable, and if he believed he could have whisked her to safety right then and there, he would have. Thankfully, reason won out. He knew as well as we all did that Alice would never abandon the family, and until we knew what we were up against, we couldn't be sure if any action taken would lead us into or out of the path of danger.

"So you think _everything_ is connected, then," Jasper asked me, already considering the options and coming to the same conclusion.

"I don't believe in coincidences," I simply stated, and the hum of deliberation brought the overall tension to a more manageable level for us all as the fear ebbed somewhat. Though it would have been easier to pretend otherwise, there was no way that Alice's most powerful vision ever could have been a random chance occurrence, not given everything else that was going on.

"To be honest, what happened to you two, this _vision_, well it changes things. I don't know what that means or how it fits in," Jasper began hesitantly.

"Just tell us what you do know, son," Carlisle encouraged.

The next several hours were spent in deep discussion, Jasper meticulously elucidating his thoughts on why the spate of killings in Seattle had to be the work of a newborn army and not that of a serial killer and how the next logical conclusion to draw was that the someone behind such a rise to power was likely to be Victoria and not the Volturi. Despite certain similarities between the effects of the young prodigy's powers and what happened to Alice and me, both Jasper and Carlisle felt certain that this was not the Volturi's way. Alice felt confident also, and she revelled in the fact that the Volturi were at least something she could be confident about. She was seeing them clearly, and the twins were firmly ensconced in Volterra.

"It just fits," Jasper explained. "The intruder was here on a scouting mission. I believe she's getting her newborns familiar with our scents. Giving them the lay of the land, so to speak. She's preparing an attack. I'm sure of it. Hell hath no fury and all that."

"I thought we decided Victoria would be after Bella, to make Edward suffer. Mate for mate. But now you're saying she's coming for all of us? She'd really want to wipe us all out? I don't know, Jasper. It seems a little extreme, even for her," Rosalie said dubiously.

"Like Edward said, Rosie, I don't believe in coincidences. And there's been way too much odd shit happening. Whether it's Victoria or not, I'm certain there's a newborn army being amassed in Seattle. I've seen it before, so I know the signs. And if it's not Victoria, then who else could it be? It's a big enough operation that even a stranger would have featured in Alice's visions. I'd say the fact that she hasn't been able to see anything about this at all is an important piece of the puzzle. Whoever is behind this has found a way around Alice's visions. That implies a certain knowledge of us, a knowledge we know Victoria likely has. And even if none of that were true, a newborn army is all about someone wanting power. We're the nearest coven and as such, the nearest threat. It makes sense that we'd be a target. Victoria or not, we're in the line of fire. I'm just joining the dots here," he finished, satisfied with his argument.

Rosalie sighed in defeat. "I see your point," she begrudgingly conceded. It was not a comforting revelation.

"How many do you think?" Emmett asked. His thoughtful contemplation belied his usual eager bravado, but he'd paid close attention to Jasper over the years, and he knew better than to rush into a fight without knowing what he was up against first.

"It's hard to know for sure, but I'd say at least ten, maybe more," Jasper answered thoughtfully. "It building. The killings are increasing, and some are happening simultaneously in different parts of the city, so that can only mean more humans are being turned. But, as of right now, there's more of them than us. Of that I am sure. Of anything else, not so much."

This sent the room into an anxious silence once more. We were outnumbered, and though we had certain advantages, Alice's gift seemed to have been neutralised, if not outright manipulated. And Bella would need to be protected away from any confrontation, decreasing our fighting numbers. The odds weren't in our favour, a reality that escaped no one's notice.

Bella had been silent for some time, the only sound she made coming from the pounding thrum of her rapidly beating heart and the swishing sound of the denim of her jeans rubbing together as her knees nervously bounced in constant motion. She never relinquished her hold on me, moulding herself into me as if I still might disappear. There really was no comfort I could give her except my presence. What comfort was there in talk of rabid newborns and vicious armies all shrouded in the reality of Alice and my collapse?

I felt an irrational shame at frightening her so. As if she hadn't already so much to worry about. How many times had I promised I would protect her, yet now we both knew that could well be a blatant lie. For those five remarkable minutes, I'd been unable to protect myself.

"We need to speak with the Quileutes." Carlisle's voice was firm and sure, and it snapped me to attention. "I don't want to drag them into a war, but I very much doubt they would sit back whilst a vampire army invaded their territory. If they agree to join forces, our odds will greatly improve," Carlisle reasoned, and for the first time in hours, some light crept back into our collective thoughts.

"Yes," Jasper agreed emphatically, though he was disappointed he hadn't thought of that himself. "Newborns won't stand a chance against the wolves. They'll be too unfocused, they won't know what hit them. I think we just found ourselves an advantage that our opponent won't be expecting."

Esme was gone a mere second before she was at Carlisle's side again, handing him the phone. "Call now, Carlisle. Please. We can't afford to waste any time. We don't know when they're coming." Her voice was urgent and pleading. Jasper blanched, her fear and determination that her family be kept safe simply limitless and affecting him physically. "I'm sorry, Jasper, and you, too, Edward, but I'm still a little shaken. My family is being threatened, and I cannot stand for that."

Carlisle embraced her tightly, but it wasn't comfort of that kind she was seeking. She wanted more. She needed action, and though we were yet to even comprehend _the_ vision from earlier let alone find a way to counteract it, this at least was something that could be done. "Call now, Carlisle," she repeated firmly, and he immediately complied.

It was already late, but a meeting was set for Billy's home within the hour. Esme's spoken urgency was a comfort to everyone. We all needed to take action. We needed to feel like we were doing something, and another night spent in the pretence of our human charade waiting for morning seemed nothing but a waste.

After arguing about who should and shouldn't go, it was finally decided that only Carlisle and Jasper would meet with the Quileutes. Though our relationship was cordial, it was probably best to keep the vampire invasion on their side of the treaty line to a minimum. There were new young, volatile wolves who were less understanding of our new arrangement, and there was no sense in provoking any of them. That was the last thing we needed.

Though Emmett liked to be in the thick of things, he felt content being left to guard the homestead, taking charge as if he were the general of his own army. He, Rosalie, Alice and Esme set up a perimeter around the house, going far enough that their senses could be stretched to hear, see or smell a stranger's approach, yet close enough to the house to prevent any unauthorised entry. None of us truly believed an attack was coming so soon. Jasper felt the army was still being assembled and that Victoria, or whoever was in charge, needed to groom some of her recruits to help her handle the newest members. Handling that many newborns was a delicate procedure, and whoever was in charge had to be highly motivated to even contemplate such a thing, which was not comforting. Regardless, we believed there was still some time before an attack was launched, but by this point we were beyond risk taking of any kind.

I also wanted to take action. I was desperate to prove myself physically, even if only to myself, more disturbed by my earlier collapse than I dared to admit. But it would have to wait. I stayed where I was most needed and where I hoped I could do the most good. I needed to get Bella to our room where she would hopefully get some rest, though I didn't like my chances of that. "Would you let me carry you?" I asked, and she simply nodded, reaching around my neck as I lifted her into my arms and slowly ascended the stairs. She'd endured a lot in the last year, and I'd seen her cycle through all the emotions I thought a human capable of. I'd seen her at her very worst, where not a sliver of hope or ambition was to be found. I'd seen her joyful, carefree and spirited, a shining example of the very best of humanity. I'd seen her every place in between. But as we reached our room and I set her down, I realised I'd never seen her quite like this. She had an air of panic about her, at times bordering on hysteria, wringing her hands compulsively and almost bouncing with nervous energy. Her eyes were wide and her pupils dilated as if she were experiencing shock, and her heartbeat sped up, not dangerously so but enough to alarm me

"Bella. . ." She cut me off with a wave of her hand. She paced our room, back and forth, back and forth, shaking her head and mumbling in a voice so low it was incoherent even to me.

Abruptly she halted, and her aimless pacing turned into purposeful strides towards me. She reached out her arms, not to embrace but to push. One small hand, palm down and fingers spread, made contact with my chest. The fingers of her plastered hand did the same as best she could manage, arched backwards and splayed out as she pushed and heaved with all her might. I didn't understand what she was doing, but I allowed her to continue, taking small tentative steps backwards in the direction she was pushing. The backs of my knees hit the edge of the bed, and I fell backwards onto it, scrambling up it until my head was on the pillows as she continued to push and shove. Satisfied I was in place, she straddled my hips, though there was no seduction in her eyes. She reached out to touch my face, her hand vaguely trembling and her palm slightly damp with her stress. She delicately fanned her finger across my eyelashes. She smoothed my unwieldy brows. She followed the contours of my cheekbones and jaw, tracing the outline of my lips and the slope of my nose. She brushed her fingers through my hair, over and over, staring so intently it completely unnerved me. Her eyes were usually so expressive, but now. . . I couldn't read her. I couldn't understand, but I somehow felt sure this was about my disturbing display under the influence of Alice's vision.

Was this it? Now that she'd seen me so weak and vulnerable, had she completely lost faith in me? Was she trying to find the words to tell me just that? I couldn't blame her. The one thing I could always count on was my strength and gift, but now I was left with doubt and uncertainty. I'd been weak, as weak as a human, and it frightened me. It must have terrified her. And by extension, she must have doubted in my ability to keep her safe from the newborns. It made sense, but it still hurt.

Suddenly I was the one panicking, the breath I'd been holding escaping my lungs in a distinct whoosh as my chest constricted uncomfortably. I knew that whatever she was struggling to say was going to be important to our future, and I wasn't sure how I could survive what was to come if Bella no longer believed in me. I knew I would always have her love, but if I didn't have her confidence. . . I felt my lips begin to quiver but she stilled them with her own, kissing me long and hard. It wasn't a romantic kiss. It was resolute and unyielding. She was an odd mix of high anxiety and stubborn determination, and I submitted completely, pushing my fears aside and letting whatever was going on play out the way she needed it to.

She broke our lips apart, licking at hers frantically and breathing quickly, the hysteria mounting again, and I was at a total loss as to what I could do to calm her. Seeing my confusion and agitation, she shook her head firmly, as if sensing my need to take action but adamantly refusing to let me do anything at all. Finally she spoke, her words tumbling out in a rush of powerful emotion.

"Just stay with me. Just let me hold you, okay? Seeing you in pain. . . I've never been more scared of anything in my life -- _anything_. You understand? I can't lose you. Not _you_. I don't care what happens to me, Edward. But you have to exist. You _have_ to, or there is no sense in anything. _You have to exist_, otherwise. . . otherwise I can't," she sobbed, and the true depth of her feelings for me became suddenly and astonishingly apparent. She wasn't frightened for herself because of my weakness; she was frightened for me.

I didn't doubt her love - not ever. Her capacity to love me was extraordinary, and I felt it instinctually, as if every exhalation of air from her lungs pushed her love further into me, grounding me - securing me to her completely. But still, as a human, I had assumed that she was incapable of feeling the depth of love that I felt. It wasn't a judgement, just a fact. And I eagerly anticipated her change, believing that our love would finally be truly equal in our sameness, not just physically but emotionally also. Yet now I understood. Finally, I understood. Her feelings weren't a shadow of mine, they _were_ mine. Exactly. Each of us lived for the other. I had known she was an exceptional human, but I thought she'd merely reached the limits of her humanity, exceeded them, in fact, but still, she was constrained. Even what she did in Phoenix, meeting James alone, I knew it was selfless, but I clearly never truly just "got it." This was a revelation.

Arrogantly, I had once told her that she was my life, never truly believing that she could fully comprehend my devotion. Not yet. But with her face buried in my neck, her grasp tight and her breaths ragged, her love poured out of her and into me, filling me with unimaginable joy and gratitude and a simultaneous dread filled foreboding. Such profound love was always somewhat frightening to me, but I was content in the knowledge that when she was like me, she would be safe, and we could endure it and celebrate it. But everything had changed now, and what I had come to rely on so completely, now seemed fragile and uncertain. She was still human, and clearly I was flawed, and the realisation of what that meant hit me with a terrifying clarity. Our perfect love would either keep us whole or utterly destroy us.

"I'm here, Bella, and I love you." It was the only reassurance I could give us both.

**A/N**

**Thanks very much for reading. I'd really love it if you could leave me a review.**

**As always, but especially in this chapter, TwilightZoner deserves a very big thank you. She pushed just enough for me to find my own way.**

**And just in case you hadn't heard, an important event has been happening in the fandom, and time is running out to make a contribution. So, please don't forget the great work being done to raise money for kids with cancer via The Fandom Gives Back. Go check out the website - lots of things to bid on and buy, so support this great cause. www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)com**

_**SO.... do you think it's true that relationships are usually a little one sided - one person loves a bit more than the other, or is that totally wrong?? I'm a failure at the whole thing, so come on, give me your insight! **_


	7. Chapter 7

**DISCLAIMER - The characters were created by Stephenie Meyer. To the extent it does not infringe on Ms. Meyer's work, the remainder is my original work and I own the copyright.**

**Beta - TwilightZoner**

**CHAPTER 7 -**_**AND SO IT BEGINS**_

_**EDWARD**_

Our preparations were progressing well, and a cautious optimism gradually began to permeate the atmosphere that had been thick with fear and uncertainty. We still didn't know the details of the attack, but we had confidence in our strategy, and we acted on it swiftly. It kept us busy and helped fend off some of the negativity that was always festering just beneath the surface. Jasper was working round the clock training the wolves and the rest of us in the most effective methods of fighting - and defeating - newborns. He'd also devised a plan to draw them away from the house to a location of our choosing - one where the wolves would be in hiding ready for ambush - one where Carlisle had hidden medical supplies and an ample stockpile of kindling and lighters ready for a quick dispatch of our attackers. We may not get much warning without Alice's gift working to our advantage, but at the first scent, sight or sound of trouble, we knew the roles we all had to play to lure them away giving us a tactical advantage.

Still, even with our thorough preparations, there was always a strong undercurrent of tension that was palpable amongst us all, vampires, wolves and humans alike. We were going into battle, and no matter how prepared we felt we were, nothing was certain. There was still that elusive _something_ we didn't know, and though we'd spent endless hours speculating, no amount of theorising could bring us to any kind of meaningful resolution. We were in the dark, and we couldn't pretend otherwise. And more than that - so much more - I was entrusting Bella, the very meaning of my existence, into the care of two young wolves. I trusted Seth implicitly, but it was Bella, _my_ Bella, and when the time came for battle, she would be miles from me, out of my sight, my hearing, my care. It was so completely right - the only way, but at the same time, it was so very, very wrong. Fundamentally, inherently and categorically wrong. Apprehension rippled and coursed through every part of my being at the thought of it. I couldn't bear to be away from her, but the plan was set, and I had no better alternatives, and though I felt secure in the knowledge that Bella would be safe, the reality was that I didn't know who would be left of us to return to her. It was not something that was spoken aloud - not by anyone.

Bella was feeling the strain, too, and I imagined the adrenaline coursing through her veins was having a similar outcome as my own anxiety, though of course the process was different. We were both tense and fidgety and agitated, all senses on heightened alert, only she was alternating between sheer exhaustion and excited animation, the extra oxygen flowing into her lungs and muscles thanks to her rapid heartbeat giving her frequent bursts of energy followed by total burnout when her stamina had been depleted. But if anything, the added tension only served to intensify our connection.

Since the very beginning, we'd known there was a special bond between us. It crackled and sparked, alive and thick with emotion and need. It simply was - it was how we were. But it had grown into something more during this unsettling time, this electrical charge, arcing and snapping, drawing us to each other like an inexorable magnetic pull. Knowing what was coming - our forced separation and the tacit uncertainty of our reunion - only fortified it. So while we were still able, we simply couldn't be apart from one another. We had to touch, feel, look and love, taking every precious opportunity to consume each other, utilising whatever time remained.

So as much as was possible, she was never out of my sight, and even though our battle training took up a great deal of our time, she was still with me on the sidelines, wide eyed and intent as she watched the instruction, an unmistakable longing to participate and not be on the outside looking in. I even saw her mimicking our moves when she thought none of us was looking. She concentrated so hard, soaking it all up like a sponge, and it both scared me and made me proud at the same time. The very thought of Bella in battle was terrifying. Of course, I sympathised, finally able to really understand how she must be feeling and how aggravating it must be for her to not be able to participate in her own defence. I understood it, and I loved her for wanting to be involved, but I didn't like it. I didn't like to think of her anywhere near such danger. If I could have hidden her away somewhere where she didn't have to see any of this and get any crazy ideas, I'd have gladly done it. But I knew that keeping her protected involved more than just the two of us. If we were going to prevail, we needed to do so as a team, family and allies collaborating in our common goal: keeping Bella safe and destroying our enemy.

So Bella was with us, in the thick of things, watching our battle training with as much concentration as she gave her Austen novels. It was beyond unnerving, but I could accept it, because that acceptance was based on a firm belief that she would be safe. She could watch and wish as much as she liked, but when it came time for any confrontation, she would be whisked away to safety with Seth and Leah, the mixing of scents an integral component of our tactics to confound our enemy. They simply wouldn't understand the wet dog smell, and if anything, it would unsettle their own plans. Even better, Seth and Leah would be able to follow the progress of the battle from a great distance thanks to the wolves' special abilities and adjust their location accordingly to keep her protected.

It was this that gave me the comfort and assurance to concentrate on my own training, despite Bella's own desire to fight. Though I could hold my own, the path my existence had taken hadn't crossed with too many others of my kind, and I'd certainly had no cause to fight for my survival, my greatest battles having been fought within myself. Though I'd had experience with Esme, Rosalie and Emmett as newborns, strategy on how to destroy them had never been something Carlisle and I had needed to contemplate, our focus concerned with the introduction into their new existence and helping them acclimate to our chosen method of sustenance. So as instinctual as much of it was, our bodies sculpted for speed and strength and agility, Jasper's instruction was invaluable, and I applied myself diligently not allowing the distraction of Bella's attentiveness to divert my efforts. But my efforts weren't completely driven by our predicament. I had something to prove, even if only to myself, so I relished the complete physical absorption, appreciating my strength and vigour in a whole new way.

In truth, I was looking forward to the fight. Though technically nothing had happened yet, our enemy's mere existence disrupted our peaceful way of life and threatened Bella, not to mention the mystery surrounding Alice's vision that I was certain was somehow connected. The threat was brazen, and I was more than eager to seek retribution so we could get back to our lives.

The plan was sound - as much as it could be with what little we knew - but I felt even more optimistic, because it was Seth who would be taking charge of Bella's safety. Though young, Seth had become Sam's second, and he had grown into his role admirably. I trusted him implicitly with Bella. He was still so pure of heart, but he took his responsibilities seriously, and his run in with Jacob had toughened him up considerably, not to mention his continued physical development. He was built like a tank, impressive in both human and wolf form, a fact even Emmett had to concede, albeit grudgingly. He was still the fun, spirited boy I had come to know, but he was also a serious and fierce protector of his people, and he considered us his people. Not all of the wolves felt quite so benevolent, but Seth did, and so his sister, Leah, followed his lead, even if resentfully so at times. However, I had no doubt that was as much about the pack hierarchy and having to follow her younger brother's orders, than it was about Bella or my family in particular. No, I had no doubt that they would keep Bella safe or die trying, and thanks to Jasper's strategic mind and the element of surprise the wolves would bring, I felt secure that our attackers would never even find Bella, nor would they even have the opportunity to look. But, still, the lingering doubt remained. I wanted to be the one to protect her, but in this case, I knew she would be safer away from me. Bella had not been pleased, but she'd not fought me on the plan either.

"I know I'm the weak link. I don't want to be apart from you. The thought of it, well, it terrifies me, but I know you'll all do better without me there. I'm a -- distraction. I want you focused. I want you to tear them to shreds, and when Seth tells me that everything's okay and I see those purple smoke trails in the sky, you can bet Kevin Costner that I'll be dancing with wolves," she beamed, more than a glint of malice in her eyes.

"Hmm, dancing with wolves, eh? Now that's something I'd like to see." I smiled playfully before turning more serious. "I love you even more for not fighting me on this. It really is the best way." I pulled her into me tightly, bathing myself in her everything - her touch, her smell, the incessantly soothing thrum of her heartbeat.

"We've come a long way haven't we," she stated, smiling up at me. "There was a time when I'd insist on coming with you, or I'd do my best to sneak away and confront them on my own to try and spare you. I was an idiot. Don't get me wrong, I still want to do that. I'd do anything to spare you, to spare all of you. I'm the one they really want, and I hate that I can't fight them myself. But we've got to play to our strengths, and my greatest strength is to get out of the way and let you do your thing. I know that now. I trust you."

"Thank you. . . for everything. For trusting me, especially after. . ."

"Shhhh. Of course I trust you, Edward. What happened with you and Alice, well, it scared me to death. It still does, because I don't understand what it means or if it will happen again. But I guess we have to have faith. We all have to trust each other and just hope for the best. We can't plan for something like that. And I have to believe that between all of you and the wolves, that it will be okay. I _have_ to believe that, and you do, too."

"I love you so much, Bella. It's going to be okay, in the end. We're going to be okay," I assured her, for the first time in days actually feeling confident in my words. She was right, we had to believe. We had advantages that _they_ couldn't know about. The plan _was_ sound.

"I just wish. . . "

"You wish? Tell me, Bella, please."

"I just wish there was time. . . for you to change me. I know it would only make me more of a liability at first. I get that, I guess. I just wish I could fight with you," she moaned.

I gripped her more tightly, understanding her emotions but feeling fiercely protective and grateful that I wasn't alone in my belief that changing her now was not in anyone's best interest.

"Bella, you do know why it's not a good idea to change you now, don't you? You know that we all think it's the wrong time, right?"

"Yeah, but remind me again, please?"

We'd been over this multiple times, but I patiently indulged her. Since my own recent experience with _mortality_, for want of a better term, I could understand only too well the frustration she felt at being too physically fragile to participate in the fight. Still, reminding her of why she couldn't be changed now had become somewhat of a mantra, the reassurance of explaining the limitations of the situation more for my benefit than for hers at that point.

"Well, for starters, we don't know when they're coming, and if they come during your change it will complicate things, not to mention how unpredictable you'll be once you do change. You'll be a newborn, too. You might not even deal well with the wolves. You'll have different priorities. And there won't be enough time for you to gain control over your thirst let alone focus enough to be trained in fighting techniques, and I can't have you out there fighting without proper training and control, Bella. That's going to be our greatest advantage over this army. At best, changing you now will throw Jasper's plans into disarray. At worst, it could diminish our advantage and leave us all vulnerable."

Setting aside the logic, I continued on a more sentimental level. "Besides, you don't want to change under these circumstances, do you? I want to be with you through every part of it. I want you to wake up with me beside you. I want you to see all my love when you look into my eyes, so that no matter what else you're feeling, you'll know how much I love you, and you'll remember how much you mean to me, without all these other things going on to distract us."

"I get it. I do. I just. . . I want you to be proud of me, Edward. Crap, _I_ want to be proud of me. I don't always want to be the victim, you know?" The flame in her cheeks rose at the same rate that her eyes turned downcast, and she turned her face away, unable to even look at me.

Grasping her chin, I forced her gaze back to me. "Bella, look at me. Don't do that. Don't you know how proud I am of you? I've failed you again, haven't I? If you can't feel the pride and love I have in my heart for you, then I really have done something very wrong. I'm the deficient one here, Bella. Me, not you. Never you," I pleaded, determined to make her see the truth in my words.

She gasped, her eyes smouldering with lust, the mood between us shifting instantly to heated, desperate passion. "I love you, Edward Cullen, so very much it hurts to breathe sometimes. And I need you. I need you right now," she rasped, her lips smacking into mine with bruising force as she fumbled with the buttons of my shirt. I made quick work of all our clothes and had a condom at the ready, her sense of urgency spurring me on.

We fell into a frenzied push pull rhythm, the constant tension we'd been under only fueling our lust. My hunger incited every push of my hips and every touch of my hands, my fingers feather-like as they ghosted over her silken skin. Her body was so light and responsive under my touch, her flesh erupting with goose bumps at my icy contact, aching need pressing into aching need, her gasps of excitement and the way she sighed when she breathed my name unravelling my very soul as I gave myself to her in every way I could - in every way that mattered.

We needed this.

I choked at the sight of her face as she rode me, so serious and beautiful, her rhythm so graceful and totally belying her normal ungainliness. I treasured these precious moments for the glimpses of Bella that normally remained hidden. It was a part of her that I knew even she didn't know existed within her, for even after all this time, she still couldn't see herself clearly. This was the Bella with uninhibited poise and unabashed elegance, the one who loved me with such aplomb, the beautiful girl who was a walking, talking, stumbling, sashaying, cursing, fragile yet fierce contradiction. This was the Bella only I would ever see, and I lapped it up like a dying man savouring his last breaths.

Her slender fingers with the nails bitten down to the quick were white with the effort of her grasp as she guided us, bouncing a steady yet feverish pace while sweat beaded on her brow and glistened on her skin, rivulets falling between her breasts that demanded my attention. I wanted to devour her, my practised hands knowing the exact amount of pressure to exert on her cushiony skin, knowing the secret places that made her quiver and sigh and curse my name. It had taken time and concerted practice to reach this point, the understanding of our bodies so precise so as to elicit the reactions we both desired so fervently without fear of mistake. The thrusting of her hips made me ache with desire, her intentions resolute and coursing through me with each push and shove and moan. She was my greatest desire and fear. She was sensory overload. She was perfect. "You are everything. Everything." My words came out in a breathy tumble, so very real yet pitifully inadequate.

"Oh, God, Edward. Don't. Fucking. Stop."

"I love it when you curse. Have I ever told you that? So sexy," I panted between licks and kisses on her nipples.

"Not as sexy as you. Curse for me. Tell me how you feel, Edward" she urged, her ardor engulfing me.

"You make me feel so good. You make me feel so fucking alive," I hissed, my voice hoarse with passion. I flipped her to her back, and she circled me with her legs, her feet digging into me as she tried to draw me in further. She shuddered at the change in position as we resumed our frenetic pace. This wasn't our usual love making. This was desperate and urgent - everything we couldn't say but that we felt so intensely. All those deep seated emotions that had been bubbling beneath the surface finally breaking through and finding a voice in the slap of our bodies coming together over and over, wild and free and totally self-indulgent.

But we needed this.

"Oh, God, I'm almost there. I can't -- oh Edward. Edward!"

The sheer ecstasy as she came around me, chanting my name pulled me to my own release. I ground into her, barely keeping that necessary shred of control as I was almost completely lost to the moment. My hips jerked and twitched, the relief leaving me spent and satisfied. I breathed kisses across her shoulders and jaw working my way up to her mouth. "I love you, I love you, I love you. You're my world."

"Jesus, Edward, that was. . . . I love you so much. So, so much. Please don't leave me. Don't ever leave me. Promise me?" She was suddenly sobbing, her fears and insecurities finally winning out, and though we were still joined, we couldn't get close enough, every inch of our bodies united and holding onto each other as if there would be no tomorrow, and I couldn't help but wonder if maybe there wouldn't be.

She nuzzled her face into my neck and trembled in anticipation of my response, but there was only one answer I could give her - only one that I could force through my lips. But even as I spoke, the words toppling out of my mouth easily and hitting the air in the form of an oath, tiny sparks of dread made me doubt if it were really the truth.

"I promise. I'll never leave you, Bella. Never."

-:-

We thought we were prepared. We even felt confident that we had the upper hand. But in the end, we just didn't see it coming. For everything we thought we knew, we didn't know nearly enough. . .

-:-

Regular hunting trips were all part of Jasper's strategy. Strength was the only advantage the newborn army would have over us, so we needed to keep our own strength up as much as possible, keeping close to home but sating our thirst as frequently as practical. Seth and Leah kept a vigil close to the house, ready to take action. A set of Leah's clothing, thick with the dog stench, was at the ready for Bella to be changed into at a moment's notice. Jasper was still tracking the news closely, and we felt confident that the army hadn't yet departed from Seattle, so training continued, although more sporadically. Even the wolves had gained considerable skills. We were as ready as we were going to be, and the extra time we believed we had only added to that sense of preparedness. It was that important _something_ that we still didn't know that concerned us, but we focused on what we were sure of, and we were sure we were battle ready.

Bella, Alice and I had been taken out of school citing a family emergency, and to appease the powers that be, our educational requirements for the foreseeable future were to be completed via the home schooling method. This was not a complete lie, for Bella did continue her studies in this fashion, though concentration was an issue. Even Carlisle had taken a leave of absence from the hospital so that he could be ready to take immediate action when required. It wasn't ideal, but it was necessary, and though we kept busy with regular training, hunting and spending time with our mates, we were playing a waiting game and anxious for our enemy to make their move.

So for all intents and purposes, it was a rather ordinary day when my siblings and I decided to go for a quick hunt close to home. Carlisle and Esme were home with Bella with Seth and Leah keeping guard also, so it seemed as good a time as any. The selection so close to the township wasn't terribly varied or appealing, but we had to make the best of it given the circumstances, and though we were all a little restless, our mood was somewhat lighter than usual as we talked and joked and generally enjoyed each other's company as we made our way deeper into the woods. Yet it was still surprising when suddenly, out of nowhere, came Emmett's booming voice, intensely thoughtful.

"Anyone else notice what a sexy wolf Leah makes?"

Even the split second benefit of hearing him formulate the question in his mind first didn't soften the impact of hearing him say it out loud. We all ground to a halt, the resounding silence practically screaming down on him as we faced him, slack jawed and genuinely perplexed at how his mind could travel to such ridiculous places. Only Rose's expression deviated from the rest of us, her open mouth quickly slamming shut and morphing into a harsh line of malcontent. It didn't take long for him to start back-pedalling, but he only succeeding in digging himself into a much deeper hole.

"I mean, for someone in the canine family. Like, you can totally tell she's a she, I mean, different from the guy wolves, well obviously, you know, even without being able to see her furry junk to make sure. . ." Finally sensing it was time to stop talking, he gulped loudly and braced himself for the onslaught.

"So you're saying that you check out the wolves' junk?" Rose hissed, one perfectly manicured brow arching high above her eye while her arms crossed disapprovingly across her chest. "And you think Leah is sexy--a sexy _wolf_? So you like, rate the wolves' attractiveness? Huh!"

"Babe--"

Rose quieted him with one raised finger, the silence resuming as Emmett's pleading eyes begged for her forgiveness. Rose's eyes narrowed, and she glowered back at him.

"So, do you check Leah out in her human form, too, or is your dirty little secret confined to furry mammals only?" she asked seriously, though her thoughts betrayed just how thoroughly she was enjoying this little exchange.

Alice ducked her face into Jasper's chest to muffle her laughter, while Jasper and I didn't even bother to contain our mirth. What was he thinking talking about sexy girl wolves and furry junk to Rosalie? Hell, to anyone! There are some thoughts that just shouldn't make it out of your mouth. Emmett was certainly not lacking in intelligence; however, what he did lack was a brain to mouth filter, and it never failed to get him into all manner of trouble, though Rose seemed to take immense pleasure in his frequent groveling for forgiveness.

"Awww geez, baby, it's not like _that_. I just mean you can totally tell she's a girl, she looks different from the guy wolves, less wolfy, you know?"

"Seriously, Emmett, I think you ought to quit while you're behind," I advised, chuckling.

"It sure does give 'doin' it doggie style' a whole new meaning," Jasper deadpanned, and we all burst into hysterical laughter, the levity reaching new heights as Alice's laughter turned into the most un-Alice of deep, nasally snorts. Even Rose couldn't keep up her glare after that.

Utterly relieved to seemingly be back in Rose's good graces, Emmett pulled her into his massive chest, wrapping himself around her and leaning in to kiss her passionately on the lips.

"No one can compare to you, Rosie," he added for good measure.

"Geez, it's so flattering to know that a dog isn't attractive as I am," Rose scowled, her lips twitching upwards and shaking her head in disbelief.

Looking to each of us in turn, Emmett gave us his well practised and curiously ironic puppy dog look, pleading, "Um, so do you think this discussion could stay between us?"

"Not a chance," Alice, Jasper and I replied in unison, all of us still doubled over with laughter when the scent of a herd of deer wafted into our path. Still sniggering, we shifted our focus and began the chase which took us deeper into the forest. The herd soon became aware of our presence, none of us taking particular care to mask our approach, relishing in the thrill of the hunt. As the herd scattered, so did we all, breaking off to pursue our respective targets. I had a young buck in my sights, veering off to the east leaving the others to their meals and gaining on mine rapidly when it happened.

My first indication that something was wrong was the loss of the buck's heartbeat. I'd been tracking it since we'd first encountered the herd, and it was like a beacon urging me forward - my very own deer GPS unit. But it vanished, and if I hadn't had my eyes trained directly on the animal, I might have imagined that it had never been there at all. Of course, it wasn't just the buck's heartbeat, it was everything else, too. The forest became eerily quiet, an unnatural silence that I'd not experienced before. I ground to an abrupt halt, the earth plowing beneath my feet, stray sods and mire showering down on me in a dirt filled rain as I scanned the landscape for signs of life, seeing everything that should be there - that should be creating noise - but wasn't. I could see several Spotted Towhee's and American Robins high in the tree tops, their beaks moving to form their songs but none emerging. The scurrying of the small Snowshoe Hare as it retreated from my vicinity was completely silent. The Roosevelt Elk I'd been tracking was now long gone, but I could only trace its escape by the swaying of the underbrush and the bent fern fronds and snapped twigs that had been in its path, for it, too, had been completely silent.

My hands raised to my ears reflexively, cupping and releasing them and shaking my head frantically trying to force the noises that I knew I should be hearing. Panic started building within me, my mind searching for meaning in this impossibility, coming back again and again to Alice's vision. It was happening.

Falling to my knees, the sensations were suddenly overwhelming. Sound rushed at me in a thundering clamour making me almost wish for the silence of moments before, hysteria obliterating all logic and composure as I was thoroughly disabled and unable to focus on anything but the searing racket inside my head. It was as if every sound, every thought, every word I'd ever heard and could ever hear was thrust upon me, overloading me, crushing me with its intensity. All the forest sounds I'd just been searching for came hurtling towards me, the crunching and cracking of the underbrush as the animals scampered over it roared through my ears amplified to hundreds of times its normal levels. Voices were booming and pounding to such a magnitude that I couldn't distinguish them from each other or where they came from. Was I actually hearing them, or was I thinking them - remembering them from another time? I couldn't tell. It was a cacophony of chatter that left me twisting and stumbling through the trees until I fell to the forest floor, writhing in agony and screaming, "Too loud, too loud," over and over again, the heels of my hands pressing into my ears so forcefully that I thought I may well crush my own skull.

Then just as quickly as it came, it went again, a giant vacuum of garbled disharmony that ripped through my ears like a chisel hacking its way through marble, and I couldn't stop myself from checking for moisture, because surely my ears must be bleeding, even if only venom. And then my world was cast in the eerie silence once more, and for those few initial moments, I was grateful, but it was short lived as the panic began building within me again. With all sound lost to me and no indication when it might return, I felt disoriented and lost, casting my eyes franticly about me searching for the cause of my malaise, but before I could truly focus my other senses, the sadly familiar wrenching, yanking pull from Alice's vision gnawed at me, tearing at my insides, crippling me with agony and loss and sensory overload and deprivation all at the same time. Thrashing on the ground, I wasn't sure if I was screaming or silent in my torture, the torment so absolute I was no longer even aware of my surroundings, unsure if I was still on the forest floor where I'd fallen or if I'd been transported elsewhere. It didn't matter.

I was vaguely cognizant of my limbs flailing, a last ditch effort to grasp onto something - anything - to tether me and afford me some control. But it was all an illusion. My body was no longer under my own command, and all hope was quickly lost, siphoned out of me with everything else, my very being drained of vitality as my unseen foe depleted me completely.

I'd been so arrogant thinking we had the advantage. All this time I'd believed Victoria, if it really was her, was acting out her revenge, a complex plan that would come undone in the face of our superiority. Yet there I lay, rendered useless and waning, unable to do the one thing I'd vowed to do. Was I alone in my demise, or had the rest of us been trounced as absolutely as I had been? Who would protect her now? I never even got to ask her to marry me.

I should have known it was too good to last. I couldn't escape what I was and what I'd done, and so part of me believed I deserved this. At least I'd experienced love - the most pure and beautiful example of it I could ever imagine. I'd been complete. I'd been happy. I couldn't - shouldn't ask for more. But the price of my happiness had been too high. Even if I was the only one attacked, I no longer believed that she could be saved. She wouldn't recover from this, from me, and what I feared all along would come to pass. My loving her had condemned us both.

Images of Bella filled my mind: her face as she lay broken and bleeding on the ballet studio floor; her face as she came to life again full of hope and verve; her face smiling up at me every time I entered a room; her face as we made love promising our eternal devotion; her face as I awoke from Alice's vision, tear stained and frightened. I wondered if every promise I'd ever made her would be proven a lie, because for the first time in my existence as an immortal being, I believed my immortality to be fallible. It was an obscure threat before when naïvely I'd been focused on my loss of strength and my gift. But now it was real, and it was no longer my strength I feared losing, it was my very existence. Blackness swirled around me, tempting me with its calm emptiness. I could feel myself slipping and weakening as the pain became too much to bear. I was a mere shell now, the chasm within swallowing me whole. It was her face I took with me into the void as the blackness eclipsed me. It was her face I took with me to my end.

**A/N**

Thanks for reading - I know this chapter was a while coming.

Many thanks as always to my beta, TwilightZoner - I'm so lucky she continues to support me given her hectic schedule.

Reviews are really nice!

It's Indie Award time again, so go find some unappreciated fics you love and nominate. Google Indie Twific Awards to find the link.

.

_So, anyone ever plan something important to the last detail only to have it go completely wrong? Come on, tell me your stories. . ._


	8. Chapter 8

**DISCLAIMER - Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**Beta - TwilightZoner**

**CHAPTER 8 - ONLY HUMAN**

_**BELLA**_

**Definition (Range):**

Consider the sequence - {Xn}n≥1

The set - {X1,X2,X3,....} = {Xn; n = 1, 2, 3, ....}

Whoever thought up this crap had to be some kind of masochist. I mean _really? _Calculus is such a, a. . . a perpetual pain in my ass. A thorn in my side. A splinter in my thumb. A freaking huge boulder blocking the exit out of high school.

Like I could concentrate anyway!

Keeping my mind on the subject at hand was proving more and more difficult with each passing minute. I didn't like being apart from Edward. It made me all edgy and anxious, and as much as I hated being the clingy little human, I couldn't seem to help myself. I was scared about what was coming and scared that when we were forced to separate, it might be the last time. . . It made my stomach churn just thinking about it. So every second with him was even more precious now, and I had to admit, I missed him when he wasn't around. But I couldn't begrudge him this. He's gotta eat, and some time out with his brothers and sisters was a good idea. Tense doesn't quite begin to cover the atmosphere in the house lately. It would do him good to get out for a couple of hours - it'd do them all good and me, too. If I had to hear Jasper strategise and theorise about "our enemy" one more time, I might start breaking things.

Back to functions and domains and antiderivatives. . .

_**True or False**__. If F(x) is an antiderivative of f(x) and c is any constant, then F(x) + c is also an antiderivative of f(x)._

Huh? I think I used to be smarter than this.

I couldn't help but wonder what he was doing. Probably sucking Bambi dry, I suppose. Best not to dwell on such matters until such a time as I _have_ to dwell on them. It's actually really hard to consider a time when Bambi will be the soup de jour on my menu planner. To be honest, just the thought of it kind of makes me want to heave and then cry. I've contemplated the whole thing a lot. The potential eternal damnation - sure. The three days of burning in the fiery pits of hell - no problem. Never sleeping again - bring it on. But killing cute furry animals that haven't done anything to me and drinking their blood. . . My stomach clenches, and I retch every time I think about it. I can't even eat tomato soup anymore, it just reminds me too much of. . . _it. _Honestly, you'd think living in a house full of vampires would have started to desensitise me to the subject by now. Alas, it doesn't bode well for my future as a blood drinker. Still, I want to do it. I want it a lot. So what if I hate my only food choice? So I'll be an extra skinny vampire. Eat to live not live to eat. It'll be worth it - for _him_. We just have to get through this.

_This_! Such a small word for everything that was going on, when really it was huge - monumental even. There was going to be a war, the type of war that even the Brothers Grimm couldn't conjure up. Victory was assumed but not assured. Nothing could ever be assured - so many variables, things we didn't know. I was utterly terrified and nervously optimistic at the same time. All I knew for sure was that I wanted Victoria dead, and I was only sorry that I wouldn't be there to witness it. Payback is a bitch, and so is she. I may be an emotional weakling when it comes to furry animals, but I'd have no tears for her. I just prayed that she wouldn't take anyone I loved with her. I'm not sure I could cope with another death on my conscience, and if I lost Edward, especially when I was stuck miles away hiding out with a couple of wolves. . . It didn't bear thinking about. I tried not to think about it. It was _all_ I could think about.

_**True or False**__. The two functions f and g defined by_

_f(x) = 3x + 3 for x real and g(t) = 3t + 3 for t real and positive are equal?_

I wondered if there was anything in the world that I could care less about than the answer to this question. . .

Carlisle and Esme were babysitting me while Edward was gone. I didn't mind really. It'd been kind of peaceful with the house so empty, but they were starting to squick me out. They were meant to be quietly reading on the couch, pretending I wouldn't notice all the meaningful glances and accidental touches. For sneaky, stealthy vampires, they weren't really all that sneaky or stealthy. Wait! Did he. . . oh my God, he totally copped a feel of her boob. The sly dog and EW! How am I gonna get that image out of my head? As if I didn't have enough trouble sleeping through the night. Should I pretend I never saw it? Do I say something?

Before I could figure out how to subtly suggest they get a room and stop scarring my delicate psyche, their whole demeanour shifted. They moved from foreplay to frightening in the blink of an eye, obviously hearing or sensing something I couldn't.

"Wha--What's wrong?" I stuttered out as wolves cried ominously in the distance. My "spidey sense" didn't really have to work too hard to know there was something very wrong.

It had been a good day, at least by current standards. Not the day the newborns would attack - Jasper said so - he was always monitoring them. It was just another day to wait and pretend that life was normal. But the minute Carlisle tensed and Esme whimpered, my panic level just about went off the Richter scale. They jumped up off the couch and kind of fused together.

"Carlise! Esme! What's the matter? Is it the newborns? Victoria?" I pleaded desperately, but no answers came. I wondered for a moment if they'd even heard me, but I knew that couldn't be right.

Esme melted further into Carlisle's arms. She took big shuddering breaths trying to calm herself, and she tried to put on her game face for me, but I wasn't buying it. One look into her huge, glassy eyes, and I knew it had to be bad.

"Please. Just tell me what you hear," I begged. "Your silent treatment is _not_ helping!"

Carlisle's mouth fell into a hard line and he sighed.

"It's Emmett. He's. . . He and Rosalie, they're on their way. . . with the others. There's some kind of. . . problem. I--I won't know anything until they get here. Try to relax, Bella. They're almost here," he explained, though it wasn't much of an explanation. I didn't need to be Edward to know he was holding out on me, but I figured they'd be here soon enough and I could see for myself. But the way he said "the others" really unsettled me, not to mention he never looked at me once while he spoke.

_No. No. No.. They're just anxious, that's all. Overreacting. Edward's okay. They're all okay. _There just wasn't any other option. They'd be fine. He'd be fine.

I started pacing, anxious for them to get here already. They were vampires for God's sake. Where was the superhuman speed? I had to remind myself that only a couple of minutes had gone by since Carlisle's non-revelation. I had to calm down. I couldn't keep falling to pieces every time something stressful happened. It was _always_ stressful, and they all had enough on their minds without worrying about me being a head case. I owed it to Edward - to all of them really - to be strong. But seriously, I wasn't really sure how much more crap I could take. What else could possibly go wrong now?

_Shit. Don't even go there, Bella._

Carlisle and Esme were glued together in an embrace, still as statues and staring at the front door like it held the meaning of life. They definitely knew more than what they were telling me. Everyone always knew more than what they told me, and it was beyond annoying, but it didn't seem like the best time to get into that discussion.

They still weren't moving. I knew their constant shifting and fidgeting were all part of their human charade and more than anything, had become a habit over time. But seeing them so unmoving and unblinking and unbreathing - well it was kind of freaking me out. When any of them slipped back into that state - their natural state of being I suppose - it was a little creepy. It was like living in Madame Tussauds. I tried not to look at them while trying not to think about anything bad.

Every second seemed to drag on infinitesimally as we waited. My heart was beating so loud and hard I was sure it would alert every supernatural creature within a ten mile radius to my location. I comforted myself by thinking I was acting as a beacon for Edward, that he'd already be able to hear how my heart was racing, and it would make him run even faster back to me, because he'd know that I was really upset. That was Edward.

More wolf cries sounded out, and I felt a faint vibration beneath my feet. Under any other circumstances it might have scared me, but I knew it was them. They had to really be in a hurry to be stomping about like that, but I couldn't help the surge of excitement that coursed through me as I thought about seeing Edward. He'd pull me into his arms and kiss me and touch me to make sure I was okay, and my world would be righted again.

It didn't turn out that way.

There were no words to describe how I felt seeing Emmett barging through the front door, Edward and Jasper slung over his shoulders, his massive arms securing them to him as if his very life depended on it. I'd never seen his face so earnest. I'd never seen him look more afraid. Rosalie was only seconds behind him, Alice lying limply in her arms like a little ragdoll, fragile and broken. It was my very worst fear realised. I simply wasn't prepared for it, even with Alice's vision giving some measure of forewarning. I guess I wanted to pretend that was a mistake - a glitch in her gift that would never come to fruition. Clearly I'd been in denial, and now it was real. Too real. They looked. . .

Emmett knelt, almost reverently, and he gently lay both Edward and Jasper on the floor. Rosalie mimicked him, laying Alice carefully down on the couch. I flung myself to the floor, skidding and scrambling to a stop at Edward's side, the exact opposite of Emmett and Rose's grace. I didn't care, because I had to be with him. But there was no comfort to be had by his side. He never moved from the position Emmett had placed him in, limbs slack and useless, not even a muscle twitch that I could discern. His eyes were closed like he was sleeping. So restful. So serene. So absolutely not right. I gingerly pried at his eyelids, as if by forcing his eyes open he might see me and be my Edward again, but it was a mistake. His black as pitch irises unmoving and unseeing held no solace for me. I touched him all over then, my hand trembling as I searched in vain to find some sign of life. I felt a hysterical giggle forming within me, trying to force its way out. Of course there were no signs of life. He was already dead. But there's dead and then there's undead. How the fuck do you tell if an undead vampire is still. . . FUCK! I didn't even know what words to use. I was so out of my depth.

"Is he. . ." I couldn't say it out loud, but Emmett looked at me with a completely knowing and helpless expression, and that just made me feel worse. If he couldn't tell. . .

"Carlisle, do something. Fix them. Fix _him_," I screamed, the hysteria rising up and completely taking over.

Before the first tear had even made it halfway down my cheek, Emmett's big paws scooped me up and away from Edward - away from where I _needed_ to be. I kicked and thrashed, but he held me firm and probably kept me from hurting myself, because I sure as hell wasn't even so much as ruffling his hair with my antics. Finally I gave in, and a ridiculously girlie sob overtook me, but I let him hold me and soothe me. I had to admit, Emmett was pretty good at the whole comforting thing. His sheer size made me feel safe and protected, but he wasn't Edward, and I didn't think I could ever be at peace again until I was back in his arms. As I finally started to calm down, I allowed myself to take in what was going on. Rose and Esme were barely holding it together, and Carlisle was hovering over Jasper, which caused an unexpected and fierce flash of anger to spark within me. I wanted him to be with Edward. I needed him to fix Edward first.

Esme looked like she was in shock. Perched on the edge of the sofa, she stroked Alice's hair with an uncharacteristically unsteady hand, her other arm wrapped tightly around her waist as she tried to hold back the sobs that were making her body shake. I noticed Seth leaning in the doorway peering into the room with his brows pulled together in a deep frown. Bare footed and bare chested, his cut off jeans were ragged and dirty from being dragged around during his endless vigil at the house. Though I deeply appreciated his commitment to us, I couldn't make myself care enough to invite him in. Pleasantries and niceties were not even on my radar.

Rosalie was standing by herself, quivering with her own silent cries, her eyes wide and panicked as her gaze darted from Alice to Jasper to Edward and back again. She looked so frightened it startled me, alerting me to my selfishness like a cold, hard slap to my face. I'd been monopolising Emmett for the comfort he would give me when she was the one that deserved it - she was his mate. I had to get myself together - the world did not revolve around me. They needed each other, mate with mate, and I was getting in the way of that. Enough with the helpless victim routine, because for once, _I_ was not the victim. So what if I felt like my heart might explode in my chest I was so scared. So what if I felt like my world was collapsing down around me. This wasn't about me. It just felt like it was.

"Let me down, Em. Rose needs you. Just tell me what the hell happened and that they're going to be okay. Just tell me that, please?"

Emmett pulled me back from his chest so he could look at my face. I didn't even want to think what I looked like, all tear streaked and snot nosed, but he seemed to be okay with what he saw as he gently lowered me to the ground. The moment my feet hit the floor, my legs turned to jelly, and he steadied me.

"Whoa, little sis. How about you sit right here, okay?" He didn't wait for my reply before settling me into the lounge chair nearest Edward. Close, but not quite close enough.

I tried to smile up at him, but it fell short. I didn't miss the fact that he'd completely ignored my request, but I knew this had to be hard on him, too. In fact, looking at everyone's faces, even Seth's, I could see the same helpless, dumbstruck expressions that I imagined they saw on mine.

Emmett hovered above me, pushing cushions behind my back and around me and basically fussing. When he was sure I was safe and couldn't somehow fall out of the chair, he was at Rosalie's side, pulling her into a tight embrace. The moment they connected, her legs seemed to give out, and she fell into him.

It was the sort of thing Emmett and I would normally spar over, his fussing, but as he stroked Rose's hair, whispering words of comfort and support into her ear, I could see the worry etched on his face and something more - grief. And just when I thought that sickly pit in my stomach couldn't sink any lower. . . If Emmett - the eternal optimist - was already grieving, things were pretty fucking grim, but the suddenly morbid tenor in the room didn't have the effect on me that I thought it might. A fierce burning started to well up within me, starting right at that sickly pit now hanging low in my belly. The flames licked their way up into my chest, constricting my ribcage and making it difficult to keep my breathing steady. The back of my eyes were ablaze, my cheeks scorched with indignation as bile ebbed at the back of my throat. Emmett was wrong. It was all wrong.

"Don't you dare give up. Don't you fucking dare," I screamed, and before I was even consciously aware of what I was doing, my fists were bashing into the broad expanse of his chest with such force that a fine dusting of black plaster littered the air as my cast surrendered further and further to the duress.

With only one hand, Emmett managed to secure both my arms, effectively silencing my tirade. I knew right away that I'd let my emotions get the better of me, but I couldn't find it within me to care or apologise. He _was_ wrong to give up so soon, and I wanted him to take it back, to not look like it was already all over. But when he said, "I'm sorry, Bella," his eyes told me he pitied me. It wasn't an apology or a retraction at all, and that just made me more angry. I quickly scanned the room looking for support, but all the other eyes looked everywhere but at me, and I suddenly felt very, very alone. What the fuck were they all waiting for? Why wasn't Carlisle doing something useful? Why were they _all_ looking like this was already over?

I couldn't keep my eyes from Edward any longer, staring from my new vantage point with renewed hope that I'd see some sign of -- sentience I guess would be the word. Though I knew it was ridiculous, I couldn't stop myself from looking for the rise and fall of his chest to signify his breathing, even though I knew he didn't need to breathe. I glared at his fingers, slack and loose at the ends of his hands, willing them to curl and flex, clenching into fists and unclenching, the repetitive cycle one of his tell-tale calming techniques. I gazed at his lips, those perfect, pouty, firm yet relenting sweet lips that tasted better than sugar and drove me insane when they'd pull up in one corner when he smiled. He knew what that smile did to me, and he used it shamefully. I wondered when I'd see it again. _When,_ not _if_. I just couldn't go _there_.

Snatching my arms back from Emmett's now loosened grip, I collapsed back into the chair, my head in my hands. I already couldn't take the pity, and it had only just started. My eyelids scrunched down tightly, and my breaths suddenly seemed very hard to come by, but I refused to let myself fall apart again. Not here, not now. Edward needed help. Alice and Jasper did, too. God, my sister, my brother and my lover were all. . . Carlisle didn't have time to be treating me for a panic attack, and deep down I knew that being angry wasn't going to help anything. They'd all loved Edward longer than I had, so I knew they were hurting, too. But they didn't love him like I did. They wouldn't break without him. And damn it, they were too quick to surrender. It was too soon to be this defeated.

"I haven't given up. I just. . . None of us have given up, right Carlisle?" Emmett asked unconvincingly and hopefully at the same time, and it just about broke my heart seeing Em so vulnerable like that. But it was Carlisle's silence that nearly ripped my heart right out of my chest as the room fell into a sickening quiet.

Calming my breathing, I slowly opened my eyes, hoping against all hope that something had changed in those few seconds. It had. Now Carlisle was hovering above Alice instead of Jasper, but he still wasn't really doing anything. The anger surged again, and I instantly regretted letting such ugliness overtake me. I felt the blush creep up my cheeks once more, almost a permanent feature by this stage, and I instinctively turned towards Jasper, shamed at being caught out in my jealousy and rage. But, of course, Jasper wasn't Jasper anymore, and as far as I could tell, he wasn't aware of my fluctuating emotions. Hell, he wasn't aware of me at all.

At the edges of my mind an unwelcome notion started to take shape, and the more I tried to quash it, the stronger it became until I couldn't deny the possibility any longer. What if this was all that we got? What if this was a wake? It was a horrifying thought to have, and I felt my breath catch the moment it fully formed. But to see them, all three of them, these waxen fallen angels spread about the room in such unnatural states of repose, well it was hard not to consider it, and suddenly I could understand Emmett's reaction all too well. I went _there._

Suddenly I'd had it with the chair and with being quiet and trying to keep my emotions in check. If I didn't get some answers soon, my head was going to do me in with all the morbid thoughts vying for attention in there. I lowered myself down to the floor again and pulled Edward's head into my lap. Maybe he needed me to be close. Maybe he could feel me. It was as good a theory as any, and as I ran my fingers through his silky hair and absently started picking out the forest debris that was caught up in it, I started formulating the best way to break the uncomfortable silence in the room without upsetting the precarious emotional balance we all seemed to be barely clinging to.

I didn't know if I could even speak yet as my mouth felt uncomfortably parched. Bile kept hitting the back of my throat, the bitter acid doing nothing to moisten my palate or shrink my tongue that felt about three times its normal size. Try as I might, I couldn't get my desperate questions out, but I needed answers. I needed Carlisle to say something -- anything! And then I needed Emmett to explain what happened. Someone needed to start talking. Finally, as if sensing my need, Emmett's booming voice not only broke the silence, he shattered it.

"Fuck. I can't take it anymore. What is this shit? What's wrong with them, Carlisle?"

Well, they wouldn't have been my exact words, but they were my exact sentiment, and I was grateful to Emmett for saying what needed to be said, because I didn't feel any closer to being able to produce words of my own. Breathing and remaining conscious seemed to be taking all my effort.

Carlisle's head snapped up, and he looked completely forlorn. Releasing Alice's petite hand from his grasp, he sank back onto his haunches, resigned. Peering over at Edward, he seemed to shrink down into himself, and he averted his eyes quickly, unable to even look directly at him. Trying to compose himself, he lifted his chin and directed his attention at Emmett, avoiding the question that hung uncomfortably in the air.

"I -- I don't know," was all he managed to whimper.

It was not the confidence booster I'd been hoping for.

A few unbearable minutes passed before he spoke again. "Emmett, Rosalie, explain to me what happened - exactly." He sounded more authoritative this time, but it wasn't hard to see that he was hanging by the very same thread that we all were.

"I don't know what happened," Rosalie shrieked. "Everything was fine one minute, then it wasn't. I don't know."

Emmett tightened his hold, and Rose buried her head in his chest, shaking uncontrollably. I could see Emmett formulating his words, trying to get the telling just right and not omit anything important for Carlisle. His look of concentration was almost comical, except there was nothing at all amusing about this situation, and the deeply etched worry lines marring the perfection of his face was evidence enough of that. He took a deep, shaky breath, and he looked for all the world to be giving a book report that was worth his whole grade.

"We made our way into the woods behind the house - not far. We didn't want to go far, you know, in case. Everything was good. We were laughing. Fuck, it was the first time in days that we'd laughed. I said something, well, stupid, and we cracked up. Then we picked up on a herd of deer. I guess we weren't really trying to be discreet. Didn't think we needed to be, and the herd dispersed. So we all took off in different directions but not going far. They were only elk - easy prey. A quick snack and straight home, but it's not like we were in a big hurry either. I finished off a couple and went to find Rose. We took our time for a bit. . . Damn it, maybe if we hadn't. . ."

He clenched his fists in frustration, breathing deeply. He looked like he wanted to break something, but after a minute or so he calmed himself enough to continue.

"After a while, we went to find the others. We weren't worried. Why would we be? But then we realised we couldn't hear them. They didn't answer when we called, and that's when I knew. I just knew. We found Alice first, just like that. All crumpled and still. Jasper wasn't that far from her, but it took a little longer to find Edward. He was further away, not the direction he'd first headed. I don't know if that matters. I don't think that matters. . ." His voice trailed off, and I could see that he was lost in the memory of finding them, horror and despair written all over him.

"I see." Carlisle's tone was grave.

I was mentally trying to calculate how many minutes it had been since they'd arrived home? How many minutes had it been since they'd been like this? How long since _it_happened? I wondered if functions and domains and antiderivatives would be of any use right now, because there had to be a way to work out when they'd wake up, right? All this math had to be useful for something, didn't it? _As if calculus could help at a time like this._ I was definitely losing it.

I was vaguely aware of the change in my breathing - it was getting harder, much harder than before. It felt as if the entire oxygen supply in the room had been used up, and I wanted to tell everyone to stop breathing, because they didn't need to and I did.

"Are you okay, Bella?" someone asked.

_No._

"Yes." My voice sounded far away, like I was removed from the entire scene, just an observer looking down upon it but not actually participating in it. I was surprised when I noticed that Carlisle was right beside me, his hand on my wrist taking my pulse. I hadn't even felt him, but I was mindful of the fact he didn't need his hands to examine me when he'd have been able to hear the rapid thump of my heart from across the room and way beyond. But I guessed he needed to feel useful, and I was the closest thing to a patient he could actually help that he had.

I still couldn't find it within me to formulate the words I needed to say, my throat still thick with fear and dread and longing and desperation. Carlisle answered me anyway - I imagined it wasn't too hard to figure out what I wanted to know. We were all thinking it.

"I've never seen unconscious vampires before. As far as I'm aware, it's not even possible. I--I don't know if they will. . .revive. I--I don't know what to do."

Esme, who had been eerily silent, all but threw herself into his arms before his own choked sob made it from his throat into his mouth. And just like that, the mood shifted from morbid fear to abject resignation, because if Carlisle didn't know what to do, then there must be nothing to do.

My dry mouth turned to ash, and I could no longer feel my arms and legs.

Scanning the room again, I studied my family through hazy eyes. Emmett and Rose clung to each other, Emmett soothing Rose's tearless sobs while stoically swallowing down his own. Esme had curled herself around Carlisle, their forms defeated, their pain palpable. They were already mourning, taking comfort in each other - their mates. Even Alice and Jasper were still together in a macabre sort of way. Whatever plane they existed in now, they were there together.

And then there was Edward and me - adrift. Together but not.

My gaze drifted back to him. It was odd how I still felt our connection as strong as ever. The air still crackled between us, pulling me towards him. He looked so beautiful. He'd always be beautiful - a perfectly preserved corpse, but wasn't that what he always was? He just happened to walk and talk while he was being dead. My head was starting to hurt. I couldn't wrap my brain around it. Apart from the not moving thing, he was the same as always. He couldn't be gone just like that. A faint flutter began to stir deep within my stomach. I wasn't sure if it was fanciful desire or genuine belief, but I went with it anyway, because it felt right. When I was so broken and I didn't believe I could recover, Edward never gave up on me. For days and weeks and months he coaxed me back to life, yet here we were, ready to accept the worst without question. It wasn't right. I owed him so much more than that.

Truthfully, I didn't know if he was alive per se, but I would spend whatever time I had left by his side, watching and waiting. If he lived, I lived. And if he didn't. . . I had to believe, because there sure as hell was no evidence to suggest that he wouldn't come back, and I wasn't at all sure what made Carlisle and the others accept the worst so quickly. My anger began to swell once more, and I started feeling uncomfortably detached.

Trying to push my emotions aside for a moment, I began considering the practicalities of the situation. We had to keep them safe while we waited. We had to give them time to come back to us. The little matter of Victoria's army hadn't suddenly disappeared, and there were important things we needed to figure out, but I didn't have it in me to figure them out. Not yet, even though my mind was already swirling with the possibilities. I knew what I had to do, but I needed time to process everything - I needed to be with Edward and away from the others so I could calm down and think and feel, because right then, as brave as I was trying to be, I was shattered. My limbs were heavy and useless, and my head felt like a bowling ball all leaden and ineffectual. And my heart, well contrary to its persistent beat, it felt as cold and dead as Edward's. It was hopeless, and yet, I couldn't get to that place of acceptance. I wouldn't. It was too soon. I refused to believe that we could end this way. He wouldn't leave me like this - he just wouldn't, and Jasper wouldn't leave Alice, not without a fight. And Alice, well there's no way she'd go out so quietly. It was the silence - it was all wrong. Everything was all wrong. It might have been denial, but I didn't care. I wasn't ready to let go, even though it seemed like everyone else had.

My head and my heart were at war, but where Edward was concerned, my heart would always be the clear victor. I wouldn't believe unless I had proof. I mean, this was unchartered territory. There had to be a whole different set of criteria for determining death in the undead, and that wasn't Carlisle's speciality. He'd devoted himself to human medicine. Just because he didn't know what was happening didn't mean there wasn't hope. However improbable, I was clinging to the unknown possibilities. It was all I had.

It was amazing how quickly I was able to question Carlisle's judgement when up until then, it would have never occurred to me to doubt him. He was the epitome of the wise elder, his expertise and life experience spanning centuries, but that didn't mean he wasn't fallible. Oh, how I'd taken so much for granted. What Edward heard wasn't always the truth. What Alice saw wasn't always the future. What Jasper felt didn't always explain our feelings. And what Carlisle said wasn't always gospel. The pedestals I'd placed them all on were high, and it was a bitter and terrifying reality to see them fall - all of them. Vampirism aside, they were still only human, even though they didn't see themselves that way. Granted, they appeared outwardly perfect, but they were just as flawed as I was. It was a hapless time to come to such conclusions, but it replenished my fortitude. Being human was what I knew, and I wouldn't let rose coloured glasses cloud my judgement any longer. They weren't omniscient. They didn't know anymore than I did. For once, we were on an equal footing; they just hadn't figured it out yet.

"I don't believe it, and neither should you," I announced to no one in particular, then I took up my place by Edward's side, my head resting on his chest and straining to hear the heartbeat that even under the best of circumstances would never come. I don't know how long we all stayed like that, but at some point I felt like I was floating, the house blurring past me in a haze before I found myself by Edward's side once more in the familiar surrounds of our bedroom. I felt the softness of the mattress beneath me, and on some level I felt grateful for the reprieve from the hardwood floor. But Edward's chest was unyielding marble beneath my arms and face, an icy reminder of what was at stake.

"You were always so worried about keeping me safe, but who kept you safe?" I asked him. I didn't expect him to respond, but I was desperately clinging to the belief that he was in there somewhere and that my voice would help guide him home. For all I knew, Alice could burst through our door uninvited at any minute, chirping about what a weird experience it was and asking me about dreams because she thought she had some. Edward would kiss me and tell me everything was fine and that it wasn't a big deal at all while having a silent conversation with Carlisle to the contrary - like I didn't know they did that shit all the time - and Jasper would calm us all down and even us out with his vamp parlour tricks. _Anything is possible_, I kept reassuring myself. After all, vampires and werewolves were real. _He's not gone._

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I know you'd fight me on this if you could, but this_is_ all my fault. I've brought so much trouble into your life. Crazy vampires and crazy shape shifting Indian boys. Admit it, none of this stuff started happening until you met me, right? You're hurt right now because of me, and if I could change it, I would. If I could fix you, I would. But you've gotta help me out here. There aren't any clues. Carlisle doesn't know what's going on, and I know they're thinking the worst, but they're wrong. You've got to show them they're wrong and give him a clue, because I'm sure he'd be able to figure it out then. I just need you to wake up so you can tell us something - anything. Please, Edward. Please wake up."

Nothing.

"It's okay, I didn't really expect you to wake up yet. But soon, okay?"

I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice. I knew he'd be trying to come back to me. It just wasn't in Edward's nature to give up, so I had to trust him and give him time. If he could find his way back, I knew he would. I could wait. I'd wait forever.

"You know, I never realised how hard it must have been for you when I was hurt. All that waiting and not knowing, thinking I might die. I can't believe that we could go through that only to end up losing each other now. That would be so cruel. I--I don't believe it. I won't. You never gave up, so I'll never give up either, I promise, but this is so hard. I want to understand it. If I could just understand how this happened or who did this or anything. . . I wish you'd wake up. I really need to hear your voice."

I had no concept of time as I lay with Edward. I noticed the shadows on the wall creeping further and further into the room until it was completely dark save the light from the moon and the stars. It seemed wrong that tonight of all nights there should be no cloud cover. At the very least, the sky should reflect that my world was quietly imploding, but I tried to take it as a good sign, and so I wished to as many of the stars as I could see. I wasn't above trying anything.

The door to our room quietly clicked open and closed several times during the night. Esme tried to tempt me with food, but the very thought of it repulsed me. Carlisle made a show of checking on Edward from time to time, but the despair and hopelessness was written all over his face, so I felt sure he was only doing it for my benefit. His presence wasn't a comfort. If I didn't know any better, I'd have believed he aged a good twenty years since I'd seen him flirting with Esme on the couch looking for all the world like the very young man he really was. Gone was his light step as he shuffled into the room. His eyes were downcast and the skin surrounding them was weathered and crinkled, his shoulders were slightly stooped, and by the dim light of the moon his golden hair took on a silvery hue. I wanted to tell him that if vampires can age in a matter of hours like he seemingly had, then they can be unconscious or sick, too. I wanted to make him believe, but I knew I didn't have the power to do that. Only Edward did, and Alice and Jasper, too, for that matter. They had to wake up and show him. They had to give him hope, because try as I might, the best I got from him was pity and a hefty dose of self-condemnation. The guilt of his perceived failure rolled off him in waves.

"Where are Alice and Jasper?" I asked. It suddenly occurred to me that he might do something really stupid in his current state, like have a cremation or something equally as horrific and permanent.

"We put them on their bed. We thought it best. . . for now. Rose and Emmett are with them."

"Good. Don't do anything. . . Well don't do anything you can't undo, okay? Give them time, Carlisle, please, just give them time."

"Bella, I don't think you understand. You need to prepare yourself. They aren't. . . There are no signs. . . Bella, you just need to prepare yourself for the worst. You need to think about saying good-bye."

He still couldn't look me in the eye, his own gaze quickly turning away from me to stare at the door like he could will himself on the other side of it and away from me and this God-awful discussion. And it was annoyingly prophetic that the wolves took that exact moment to let out some utterly creeptastic spine chilling howls. But it wasn't blood curdling, it was blood boiling. I was having a hard enough time keeping it together as it was without the rest of my family practically having the funeral pyres lit. The anger that had been simmering quietly just beneath the surface started bubbling and searing in earnest.

"How dare you fucking give up like this. It's only been, what, hours? I don't understand how you can decide so quickly that. . . What is wrong with you, Carlisle?"

I didn't move myself from my place beside Edward, my body still latched onto his and afraid to let go for so many reasons, not the least of which was that for the first time since knowing them, I didn't trust the Cullens.

Carlisle drew in a shaky breath. He looked truly terrible, and I wanted to offer him some comfort and reassurance, but damn it, that was his job. Carlisle was meant to be the voice of reason, patient and logical. He wasn't meant to be this weak, broken man, void of all hope, and as unfair as it was, I resented him for it.

"Bella, I understand how you're feeling. I do. I--I wish I could heal them, but we have to face facts."

"What facts, Carlisle? Is there something that you're not telling me, because as far as I'm concerned, they're just unconscious."

"But that's just it. We don't suffer from unconsciousness - it's unheard of."

"So what, you're going to go throw them on the BBQ and be done with it?"

"What? No! Of course, not. We'll wait and see for--for a while. I just. . . I just don't want you to get your hopes up because honestly. . ."

"Carlisle, I know you're hurting. We're all hurting. But it seems to me that someone around here needs to get their hopes up. This happened before, and they were fine."

"That was different. It was a vision of what was to come and obviously only the merest hint of the real thing. This is. . . There's nothing I can do. Nothing at all."

"You can't know anything for certain. Just because you've never heard of anything like this happening before, doesn't mean it hasn't, and it doesn't mean they can't come back from it. I can _feel_ him, Carlisle. He's not gone. He's not. I'd know it."

"I pray you're right," he sighed. "But I don't think. . ."

I bit down hard on my lip to stop myself from saying something I might regret, relieved that he at least didn't finish that sentence. I couldn't make him see. Why wouldn't he see? _Stupid, stubborn, know-it-all vampires._

"Of course, there's more we need to consider even though the timing couldn't be worse, though I suppose that was the point," he continued, his tone dreary and monotonous as if he couldn't even muster up the effort to use inflection. "The newborns are still coming, and now we know that our enemy is much stronger than we first anticipated. We are truly vulnerable now. Without their gifts and their strength, I fear. . . I never realised until now just how much I counted on them. I relied on them too much, put too much of a burden on their shoulders, and I'm afraid that without them we can't succeed. I'm sorry, Bella, I've failed you. I've failed everyone."

"You're talking like it's already over, like they're already dead. Like we're all already dead. I don't understand it, and honestly, it's pissing me off. I expected so much more from you - all of you. Edward will be so disappointed."

"_Edward_. . ." Carlisle's breath caught in his throat, and he turned from me abruptly, shoulders hunched and his arms wrapped securely around his waist as if he was in pain.

"Carlisle?" Oh God, was he getting sick, too. "Carlisle?" My voice was high pitched and hysterical, even to my own ears. It seemed like hours before he spoke though I was sure it was only seconds, but when he did, his voice was small and broken.

"Edward has been with me the longest. I love you all. I cherish you - all of you - you must understand that. But, Edward. . ." He rammed his fist into his mouth to silence his sobs, but the guttural groans emanating from his chest nearly tore me in two, and all my anger and frustration at Carlisle simply melted away, because watching him crumble, I had one of those light bulb moments when everything became crystalised.

Edward was Carlisle's closest friend, most trusted confidante, beloved companion and his first-born son. I guess I'd never really taken the time to consider that before, but there was a whole other world and other lifetimes before I came on the scene that Carlisle shared with Edward. While I was busy feeling sorry for myself, I hadn't really acknowledged that this hadn't just happened to me. From my understanding, the love between mates is the most inscrutable and powerful of bonds in the vampire world. But I was certain that the bond between Carlisle and Edward was something quite unique in any world, and until now, there wasn't anything Carlisle couldn't at least try to make right for Edward. But when it mattered most, he was helpless. He was clearly bereft and feeling guilty about his deeper feelings for Edward, and on top of it all, he felt responsible because he couldn't heal him - any of them. This was so far beyond his understanding, hell, mine, too, but I was used to that. He wasn't. He was convinced he'd lost them, because that was all that made sense to him, and it finally all started making sense to me, too.

As powerless as I felt, I suddenly realised that this must be hurting Carlisle on a level he'd never experienced before. It had to be a first - he neither had empirical knowledge nor scientific theory to come up with a solution. All he had was his faith - a faith he believed in so absolutely to the point of constant argument with Edward over the state of his soul. Yet in reality, I wasn't sure he'd ever had to put that faith to the test. Up until now, it had all been words, but faced with such a brand new, inexplicable circumstance, well, it must have shaken him to his very core. Looking at him, this forlorn version of his former glorious self, I could only conclude that he'd not only lost his faith but with it, his hope. They all had, because they were vampires - top of the food chain - superior! They believed themselves to be infallible, and when presented with something incomprehensible, they stuck with what they understood and made it fit, and that had to be right, because they were never wrong. They only dealt in absolutes, never doubting themselves or their abilities or their intellect. Change was hard for them. Uncertainty was rare. This. . . this was impossible.

I was wrong about us being on an equal footing now - we weren't. They were lost, jumping to the wrong conclusions to make everything fit in with what they could understand. They'd forgotten what it was to be adaptable and flexible. They'd forgotten that they weren't perfect. So this was my moment to step up and show them the way. This was my moment to be the strong one, even when all I wanted to do was curl up into a little ball and tremble in fear. It was up to me now. The all knowing vampires turned out to be not so all knowing. I wasn't sure if it would have been better or worse to have come to this realisation before now, but this was it. I'd just have to deal with it.

I peeled myself from Edward and thrust my arms around Carlisle, squeezing as tightly as I could to show him my solidarity.

"We can't give up. _You_ can't. He needs you, Carlisle. He needs you to put your faith to the test for him. It's not over, and I know that's hard for you to understand, but you've got to trust me. We'll figure out a way to keep them safe while we deal with everything else. But for right now, we just need a little time, and we need to believe. Please believe with me. I don't want to do it alone. They need us to be strong for them, okay?"

A firm nod of his head was his assent as he gently patted my back in a gesture I'm sure he didn't mean to be condescending. He clearly didn't believe me at all, but at the very least he was willing to humour me - for a time. Whatever, I'd gladly take whatever he'd give.

"You're a remarkable young woman. Edward would be very proud."

It was me that was choked up that time, so I just nodded back. If I'd let the floodgates open then, there'd have been a deluge of Noah and the Ark proportions that may never have dried out.

He pulled himself up from the bed as if it took a great effort and slowly shuffled his way to the door, head bowed.

"Carlisle," I called, a thought entering my mind. He peered over his shoulder at me curiously. "Do you think it might be a good idea to see if some of the other wolves might help patrol around the house? Just in case, you know. There's still four of you that could get hurt."

His eyes brightened momentarily. "Yes. Yes, I think that would be wise." Then he turned to leave.

It didn't fill me with a tonne of confidence, but at least I felt sure that they weren't going to steal Edward away from me. We may not be married like the others, but he was _my_ mate, and I was in for the duration. The only thing that would prove to me he was really gone would be. . . well, I didn't know, and that was the point. Carlisle would have to come up with something incontrovertible to make me let go, because he couldn't be this perfect and be truly dead. He looked like he was sleeping, that's all. I knew that wasn't the truth, but it was all I had to grasp onto. I felt like I was hanging on for all of us, and I had to do whatever it took to get myself through it. I may not be strong like them physically - yet - but it was my turn to be strong emotionally for all of them now. They needed me, and that was weird, empowering and frightening all at once.

Laying myself back down beside Edward, I turned to my side and rested my head on his chest, wrapping myself around him, convincing myself that there was a good chance that just maybe he could feel me. I simply refused to believe I was hugging a truly dead dead person. That was just. . . No!

Sometimes I spoke to him, sometimes I hummed my lullaby. I knew my voice was a God-awful tone deaf mess, but I wanted to try and reach him any way I could, and to be honest, I was hoping his consciousness would be forced to reach out from the stillness and tell me to shut the hell up and leave the singing to him. Other times I stayed quiet, my mind a crazy jumble of thoughts and ideas and worries and hopes all mashed in together. If Jasper were okay, I was sure he'd have to leave the house I was in such a conflicted emotional state. I cycled between abject terror, hysteria, profound grief, cautious optimism and pensive strategising. I tried to focus on the more positive feelings, knowing that my emotional state was important to the rest of the family. I wouldn't let them see me give up or break down.

The darkness of night eventually turned to a deep grey as the burgeoning sun tried to fights its way out from behind the newly descended cloud cover to welcome a new dawn. Contemplating a position shift before my limbs fused in place, I imagined his fingers brushing against my thigh. Shaking my head to clear the delirium from lack of sleep, I pulled myself up into an awkward sitting position and stretched my arms and yawned loudly, mouth agape and completely ignoring the manners both my mothers' had instilled in me. I knew sleep should have been a priority, but for now, I was going to need caffeine and plenty of it. Once I'd decided upon it, I was surprised not to find Alice walking through the door with a steaming mug of the brew in her hands, until I remembered that she wouldn't be doing any such thing. _Not yet_, I told myself. _Just give them time. They just need time to give us the clues we need to solve this and fix them. _But I was running out of time. I knew what I had to do, and it would be best to get started, though I was loathe to do it without him holding my hand. I guess I'd just have to hold his _really_ tightly.

Breathing deeply, I prepared myself to tell him and by default everyone else my decision. I wasn't sure he'd be able to hear the words, but I needed to try, and I couldn't put it off any longer. While Victoria was busy growing her army, hurting our loved ones and God knows what else, we'd lost precious time. There were things we needed to do - discussions that had to be had - adjustments that had to be made. Steeling myself, I licked my lips in preparation for speech and looked down at him, stunned as always by his beauty. If I weren't so in love with him, I'd be insanely jealous of him. How could someone so masculine be so damn pretty? And how is it that even unconscious, he could still muddle my brain? Shaking my head to try to order my thoughts, I felt that gentle brushing against my leg again. No, I did _not_ imagine that. Grabbing Edward's hand in mine, I pulled it up to my face and willed him to move again, and as his fingers twitched, ghosting over my cheek, I couldn't stop the tears of joy that poured from my eyes.

"Carlisle. Carlisle, quick. It's Edward."

**A/N**

You should understand that I know as much about calculus as I do about brain surgery, so apologies for any inaccuracies to the references. I was just trying to show Bella's struggle with her homework at that time.

As always, thanks so much for reading. I'd love to hear from you so if you feel inclined, please hit the review button.

By the way, if you have reviewed or PM'd me and I haven't responded, I promise it is either a genuine oversight in my big ugly inbox that needs a massive clean out or else replies have been disabled. I make it a point to respond to every single review (which isn't too hard since I don't have many LOL) so if you haven't heard back from me, please check to make sure that replies are enabled on your profile and by all means try again. I really do appreciate all of you who take the time to make contact and give me feedback and everyone who bothers to read in the first place.

Also, please go check out TwilightZoner's latest story RPGs on Twilighted. The Monster is back and he's better than ever!

_So Bella has realised that her vampires aren't quite as perfect as she thought they were. Ever been in a situation when what you believed about someone turned out to be wrong? _


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